Does anyone have any suggestions for helping a self harmer?

Question

My daughter self harms,and the more i try talking to her the more she shuts me out,she has been to a councillor but said they were useless....Im at a loss now with how to help her

Answer 1

Check out the link in the source box. It gives you some info on self harm. At the bottom there are a list of organisations that provide support

Here is also a link to a factsheet for parents and teachers:
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinformation/mentalhealthandgrowingup/self-harminyoungpeople.aspx

Just because your daughter has tried counselling, it doesn't mean that it's the end of the road. Please stay strong and speak to someone and keep trying to communicate with your daughter.

Answer 2

I've been where she is... I still go there sometimes. Try to establish a bond between you. Talk to her about non-harming areas of her life. Don't focus all your talk on self-harm because then it becomes like a way of defining your relationship and ultimately a way of defining her. She is obviously in a lot of pain right now, but trying to force her will NOT help at all. That will just cause her to retreat further. Make sure she knows that you are there for her, and will not judge her, if she comes to you. Councillors are good, but it can take a while to find the right oneand they're not right for everyone. Ask her gently whether she'd be willing to try another. Please don't dismiss her as attention seeking because that will only hurt her further. Self-harm is very rarely about attention seeking. Some of the reasons can be: control, releasing emotions/feelings, stopping a feeling of detachment/numbness, as punishment, for enjoyment. Self harm is of course much more complex than simply those things but they are often a starting point when you think about why. You cannot force someone to stop self-harming, a person can only stop when they are ready. Forcing a person to stop can be very dangerous.
Good luck. Just give her a hug and tell her you're there if she needs you. I can almost guarantee she'll appreciate that.

Answer 3

Talking and listening are the key. Try to open comunication channels buy talking about every day stuff with her until her feels she can confide in you. Don't push but see f you can find the root of the problem s to why she's so upset as to feel the need to self harm. I don't like councillors they have never helped any one i know who self harmed but that's not to say they don't work. This also may sound silly but she could grow out of it, the problem may resolve itself. That's what happened with my best friend. The situation she was in changed, of its own accord, and she didn't feel the need to harm any more it took awhile to stop completely but it reduced conciderably. Also it may have become habitual and she may find it hard to stop. It could even be that she is doing it in support of someone else. Self harm is a very complex area-attention seeking, low self esteem, a way to have control of something in life, power, support and even enjpyment. The best you can do for her is be there and let her know you care. Just don't push her she'll tell you eventully!!! Good Luck and i hope that this is sorted out quickly and that your daughter finds the words to explain the problem.

One last quick though - if your daughter feels she can't talk to anyone see if she will write her feelings down in a diary or journal.

Sx xxx

Answer 4

I've been there in her shoes. Keep trying councelors if she's not clicking with the one that she's working with now try another one try letting her choose between them after she's talked with them, usually 3-4 visits is a good feel if ones going to work out or not. Self harming doesn't mean that they're suicidal just means that the person has so much pain on the inside and doesn't know how to express it any other way. Then it becomes like an addiction at least it did for me. I had a journal I always wrote in. You can also check into rehabs for her. But as far as the counsleing goes make her cont. going but reassure her he/she isn't going to be telling you anything that's shes telling them. She might be afraid of trusting them because she's afraid it'll get back to you. Just a few ideas hope it helps but know you're doing the right thing by doing the counceling.

Answer 5

I have been a self harmer for over 10 years and there are a lot of things that help. A few sites that may help are:-

http://www.NSHN
http://www.selfinjury.freeserve.co.uk
http://www.crystal.palace.net/~llama/psych/self.html
http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/health.htm

The NSHN (National Self Harm Network) is excellent! It has advice for self harmers and their families. If you give your daughter these sites, she can help herself in her own time. I know it's hard for you too. My husband finds it difficult to cope with sometimes too, but you really are not alone! 1 in 10 people are known to self harm in there life and these are only the people who admit it!
Sometimes people don't realise that self harm is really a coping mechanism and while it is hard to understand, is the same as any other self destructive behavior.
Away from the internet, I have made myself a 'rescue box' which helps in times of crisis too. In it, I have photos, trinkets, letters, cards from people I love, and some games to distract myself. I taught myself to juggle and use diablo. It's basic, but a good distraction.
It's good that she has seen a counsellor, and I strongly recommend that she does carry on seeing someone - even if she changes counsellor. It's too difficult to be honest with the people you love the most (when you think you will upset them) but everyone needs a person to talk to.
She just needs someone away from her situation.
I understand it is very difficult for you, but I do hope this advice helps. Good luck.I'll be thinking of you. x

Answer 6

I used to self harm when I was very depressed. I'm probably a lot older than your daughter too. (I'm 47 now...got ill at 40)

If I try to explain it to you maybe that will help a little.

Before I became depressed self harming was something I'd never dreamt that I could do. I was afraid of even getting a splinter.

Then when things got very bad... the thought....well it was more of an urge than a thought... a real urge.. to harm myself kept coming into my mind. I didn't want the thoughts...they just kept coming at me. Throughout the day I'd get a mental picture of me slicing my arm or throwing myself through a window.

There came a point when those urges were simply too overwhelming to manage and I began to act on them...the relief afterwards was immense. Then I felt satisfied...for a time anyway.

You can compare the urge to that of real hunger...imagine the hungriest you have ever been and how you just couldn't wait to eat...or perhaps felt faint from hunger...you KNOW you MUST eat...the urge is so strong. The urge for harming is very powerful indeed.

Okay, that said, if your daughter can learn to recognise these feelings when they are at the thought stage rather than the urge and tell you or someone it is happening, it may, with practise , be possible to stop the thought developing further. Eg. through talking, screaming anything really, even doing something, going out for a walk. It does take time to catch the thought though because the feelings can come on strongly quite quickly.

The urge to harm comes from something deep inside...often you have no idea at all what it is, or why these emotions are coming at you so strong. It often takes a good counsellor to get to the root. I would suggest your daughter sees another counsellor who she may get on better with.

Also a good idea is to agree together that you accept the harming for now...as it is her mind's only way of venting...there are often no words to articulate powerful emotions....ask her to agree to a 'cutting contract : she will always use clean sharps...she will never cut too deeply...she will always clean the wound thoroughly afterwards. This is to limit the damage that she may do to herself until she works through the issues that are causing her to do this.

Try to see the harming as part of her illness....it's not something that she can choose NOT to do at the moment. Therefore, as hard as it is, never get angry....show a sad expression though caring too.

Try not to stand guard over her and follow her everywhere...my husband used to do this...it heightens the frustration and a determined harmer WILL harm in the end...harmers have to be very sneaky. Once all the guarding and suspicion has gone...that in itself brings more calm to the house.

It's very hard for you, as a mother, to watch your child go through this, but with the right support and understanding she WILL get through ....I did. It took 5 years of counselling for me but everyone is different.

Best wishes and I hope this has helped a little.

Answer 7

self harm is not about attention seeking its about having something to control in their life and is an addiction. I am surmising when you have spoken to your daughter you have stopped her from doing it and maybe shouted at her in frustration because you love her. This may sound a bit weird but just by being there whilst she is self harming may help your daughter. It may make her feel more confortable about the issue and not feel like she has to run away from it all the time. there is many ways to self harm but maybe giving her different methods like an ellastic band on her wrist and flicking it hurts/ ice cubes held titghtly in her hand hurts. Im a psychiatric nurse and care for people who self harm and the one thing people say is its one thing they have control over their lives and what no one else can influence it. Just being there and try talking to her but in a nice way maybe more benifitial. Try and find out why she does it and what triggers this behaviour. good look love x

Answer 8

Like other people have said, talk to her, but, as you are trying you know that it tkes AGES to get through. if you can, take away whatever it is that she uises to harm herself. Tell her that you are doing this, and that it is because you love her and don't want her to hurt herself. Say that you know she must be feeling awful to want to do that to herself.
It can take several goes to find a good counsellor. Maybe go to the GP with her, or go with her and wait outside. Suggest she writes down what ever it is she needs to get out of her head (self harmers are often overwhelmed by things in their head that they use the pain tomake a path through) She can then use that writing with the counsellor, or use it to put the ideas outside of herself - maybe suggest painting or sculpting if she can't get words out to explain how she feels (some people work better in images - she MAY get art therapy on the nhs if that's the case)
oh and MIND do free counselling too, if the waiting list on the nhs is really too long.

Answer 9

I too am a self harmer. I have scars all over my arms and legs from cutting myself. I have tried to kill myself 27 times and i have had an eating disorder for 9 years.
When my mum first found out she was horrified and it really affected our relationship. I am pleased to say that we are rebuilding our relationship now.
Dont let your daughter ever feel like she is alone and let her feel that she can talk to you about anything.
One thing my dad and i used to do was to meet up in the kitchen for one hour a week. i would tell him everything that upset me,bothered me, just everything that was muddled in my head. When we talked there was no fear of anger or judgement. We agreed that we would have an amnesty...We could swear, shout,cry, laugh and just get everything a bit straighter in my head. I kept my dad in the loop of how i was feeling and we kept everything between us. Eventually dad helped me realise that i needed to talk to someone who knew what to do with all my feelings. I have seen several councillors and the one i see now is the best yet. I dont see her in a clinical environment because that makes me feel very uncomfortable. We meet in town for a coffee or a sandwich. I trust her now.
Some ways to make the harm safer are...Holding an ice cube against the skin, snapping an elastic band on your arm or leg and using a felt tip pen to 'draw on injuries'.
One of the things i find very useful is writing. i dont keep a diary but keep notes of my feelings.
Lastly...make sure she is occupied with things she enjoys and try to be a part of them with her but DO NOT have an ulterier motive...talk to her for her and eventually she will open up.
I really hope she can find a way out of this vicious spiral. My thoughts will be with you. x

Answer 10

I am a self harmer,and it is really hard to speak to people about it and as to why we do it! All i can say is Dont keep pushing her, not constantly! It will make things worse. She may not understand her self why she does it, she may still be trying to work it out! It really is a difficult thing. I am seeing a psycologist at the moment as ive just been dignosed with Two types of personality disorder. Just comfort her and show her you are there for her, dont pressure her into tell you why she does it. Dont ask questions just show her you care and u really are there for her if she needs you!