For instance, I am madly in love with a severely mentally ill woman. She's everything I've ever wanted in someone, except she's bipolar and she's very unbalanced. None of her meds seem to work, and when she goes on an emotional rollercoaster she takes me with her. She's always depended on me to be her "rock" when she's having a meltdown, and I've TRIED to be strong for her, but I've realized lately that I'm only in love with her when she's "normal". I don't want to have conditional love for this woman, but that's what it's starting to feel like. I just can't play "therapist" anymore. What's the best way to tell her how I feel without coming across as rude?
2007-03-04 08:42:17 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Be honest and respectful and explain that the role of her "rock" is draining you. It is not fair to you, and she really needs to find a way to stabilize herself before getting into a relationship. You don't mention how compliant she with her treatment. Medications and other therapies have to be consistent. She should have a professional therapist and not depend on you to fill that role. That is not Love on her part, that is NEED.
Yes, she will be hurt, and she will feel afraid and lonely. Yet, if she has any real respect and affection for you, she will know that you are doing the right thing.
Your love for her IS true, as you have stood by her thus far; however, your first responsibility is to love and take care of yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have gone above and beyond in your devotion to this point. And you may never find someone that has as much of what you look for in a partner. But you still have to do what is necessary to preserve your own well-being.
2007-03-04 08:46:40 · answer #1 · answered by HearKat 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
True love starts with recognizing your own requirements for well-being. Can this person honestly love you, support you, and be a real companion to you? There is a difference between having love for someone, and loving him or her romantically.
The person you are describing needs the services of a licensed professional. Medication alone will not cure her. You cannot provide the services of a therapist for a loved one, nor should you be expected to. Therapists go home at the end of the day, and focus on their own lives. It is NOT saying that mentally ill people do not deserve loving partners, because they do. Everyone does. But- not everyone can be the partner for such a person, and it is no judgment on them. It takes a lot out of others to be in the same room for an hour, let alone a lifetime. This is part of the reason that mental health is so important- mental illness destroys the lives of everyone involved. Do not judge until you've been there!
In which case, it is better that she know that you want her to be with someone better qualified than yourself to accept her problems, and provide the emotional assistance she needs. Are you still willing to be her friend? She should know that, too, that you are not "abandoning" her. The hardest thing for a mentally ill person is when all friends and family turn away.
I sounds like you really do care for this person, and want to see her get better. I do not know how old she is; bipolar often gets more manageable with age and time. There are many good therapies available now that were not around even 5 years ago. She needs loving support, but so do you. There is no easy way for you to do this.
To avoid putting her down personally, the best approach is always to focus on the actions and behaviors, not the person. You talk about the emotional rollercoaster- what specifically does she DO? Does she throw things when she's angry, for example? You could start there, saying things like, "I love it when you rub my back for me, but when you throw things because you are frustrated, it makes me afraid. I feel sad when you put yourself down, becaue you really are a wonderful person. I feel like you have so many problems to deal with, that there is no time for me to bring my problems to you." Etc. Allow it to be an open dialogue, not just a one-way, "I'm leaving". Let her express her own fears, and help walk her through them.
2007-03-04 14:19:30 · answer #2 · answered by Hauntedfox 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
There is no really easy way to do that. Its very difficult loving someone that has moments when they are everything you ever dreamed of, and then there are moments when they are your worst nightmare. The miracle worker in each of us hopes we can get to the wondrous part of the ones we love and keep that part alive all the time. Reality lets us know that we can't really do that, in part because we aren't trained to fix them and we are selling both the other person and ourselves short.
Having loved and left a bipolar person, I can understand your feelings. The best way to do it, is like taking off the bandage, one quick, steady movement. Don't waver, don't make promises you can't or won't keep. If she has a therapist, which I hope she does, tell the therapist just before you do it. Be honest, be kind, and then walk away, and don't look back.
God Bless you and I wish you well.
2007-03-04 09:13:16 · answer #3 · answered by I_Love_Life! 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First of all im sorry for not only her but you also for you. There is no easy way to tell anyone normal or not that its over. You said What's the best way to tell her how I feel without coming across as rude? what would be rude and unkind is you not saying the truth about how you feel and letting this go on. She may still have time to find someone else and the same for you. Do what your heart feels, but remember thru all the duststorms there is still clearness on the other side with brighter skies Good luck my friend
2007-03-04 08:58:14 · answer #4 · answered by niceman404 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be as direct and honest with us as you are with her.
If she has a professional she sees on regularly inform him/her what is coming.
There are sometimes you do have to let go for you own sanity.
I wish you well.
btw: There is no way you are not going to cause her or you pain that comes with breaking up. The more you honest with her and no games it will be quicker for both of you to heal.
2007-03-04 08:47:33 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Be polite and say that you are going to have a Sex Change Operation, wait for the response, if its abusive, then you will be able to make the correct decision from the reply.
2007-03-04 11:58:33 · answer #6 · answered by bernard l 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
bro just be honest with her, explain ur feelings to her and the ways in which the relationship makes u un comfortable please do this in the presence of either her mom ,her sister or some of her close relatives .its ur future and u have to make decisions that will impact positively on ur life.good luck
2007-03-04 08:50:13 · answer #7 · answered by kevin w 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's no easy way of ending it with someone,but honesty is the best policy,you will just have to tell her what you have just wriiten here. good luck x
2007-03-04 08:47:25 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
if u love her then i dont c y it matters u will love her no matter what but if u must and i mean must then it has 2 b honest y make it worse by basing it on lies??
2007-03-04 08:49:16 · answer #9 · answered by blossom 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
that you have testicular cancer and you only have a week to live and wana spend it with your parents.. so tell her u love her and say you dont want her to see you in your embarrassing death then hug her good bye!
2007-03-04 08:46:50 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋