How to disagree and defend efficiently?

Question

Some of my peers are total confidence machines and Im having a problem. A lot of the time, they can really put down something that I like and I am really bad at defending it and eventually, Im so sensitive and stupid that I actually end up listening to them.

4eg a (very fashionable) frien came ovr to my house and got a free tour of my wardrobe. She looked at it and made a negative remark about my sporty/athletic clothes. Personally , I rly lykd my athletic style and I didn't give a crap about fashion. But she just managed to affect me. I forgot to mention that this particular friend is also good at promoting her opinion and spreading it. The first few times, I tried to make it clear that I like this better, but her self-confidence and grace somehow easily managed to beat mine and I ended up being affected by it and for a couple of months. I feel like such an insecure loser. I have deal with stuff all the time. I rly wanna kno how to deal with them the way this girl does

I also have conversations where We come up with some disagreements and It normally goes something like this (summarized)

Me: I like TYPE-A
Friend: TYPE-A's are ugly ,I like TYPE-B
-(and note that she uses the word "I like" and "I" in such a powerful way...I just dont get how. And usually her opinion isnt even needed)
Me: UMmmmm....okay
Friend: TYPE-B is blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Me: I guess TYPE-B is pretty cool...

And Ill soon stop liking TYPE-B too. wtf?? Someone help me!! I really wanna stop being stepped on by this friend all the time. I really can't help kissing her butt.

I really dont want answers like dont become friends with her because other wise she is pretty nice and falling out isnt with her isnt as simple as you guys think. I just want to able to defend and get equal with her.

I forgot to mention that I have gotten advice not to care about what others think. This is hard for me , and If you're gonna give it as an answer ...please explain what I can do. But mainly , I just wanna get even when I have these conversations.

Answer 1

using the scenario given,I'd tell your fashionista friend to back off one of of two ways...(a) would be say something along the lines of not needing a fashion mag or runway model dictate what suits you best or (b) say nothing and smile on the inside that she is only wishing she could pull off casual and not live up to the "heathers" society standard and just be herself....she's prolly jealous.Just because you dont defend your own or criticize others doesnt mean you dont have confidence..it means you have grace and a little bit of tact.
in any other situation...just identify what exactly you dont agree with and why YOU feel that way...good arguers tend to generalize,but if you keep grounded as a personal opinion,there's nothing really to dismantle cuz its your perspective and personal feelings are valid. stick to your guns....and you're not a loser.

Answer 2

There are always going to be some people who, no matter what you say, it is wrong and the other point of view is right. The most important thing to remember is that the world would be incredibly dull if we all took the "type b" view on every issue. When you are in one of these discussions just think of the reasons you disagree. Why is type a more practical for your lifestyle, what benefits does it have that type b is lacking. On many issues there may be benefits to the other side as well. Explain why you like type A and you can always say something like "I see how you could think that" but you don't have to change your point of view. Just explain where you stand and if she continues on make a joke "wow, are you selling type b now" or change the subject.

Answer 3

Hi, I don't know your age but there is real confidence and the confidence that some people project but don't really feel. When a so called friend puts you down in any way just look them in the eye and say "Hmm, I'll think about it".
Why argue or feel bad? What they say is just their opinion, not any more important than theirs. Later, if they bring it up again just say "you know, I appreciate your concern but I thought about it and that's me and you are you. Good luck, and from the sounds of your letter and your question you are not the least bit stupid. Come on girl, start feeling better about yourself. You don't have to worry, you sound great. Bet you look great too.

Answer 4

Do you mean you would like to offend people as well as someone you call friend? Maybe best to consider that a while. The kind of a person that puts others down wouldn't have a friend at all if there weren't people like you who like them in spite of their bad behavior. Be glad for the personality you have .Stating the case that you like what your choices in life are is enough.That temperament will help you most in the more important areas of life (right and wrong decisions) .When there are a choice of roads always take the high one,Never mind the low one that seems to attract the most traffic! Most of us would choose your personality rather than your friends.

Answer 5

One thing that I wish teenagers knew at this impressionable age is that you will one day regret spending so much time worrying about what other people think.
Instead of trying to defend what you like, just say "okay". Let it slide, agree to disagree.
I also wish that teenager knew that EVERYONE is somewhat self-concious. Your friend may seem all cool and collected, but trust me, she has issues too. Just remind yourself of that when you think you're being a "loser". You're not the only person that feels that way.
Make a choice to be proud of your individuality. You don't have to defend, just know that it's yours.
Best wishes!

Answer 6

If you don't want to be a victim in this world (especially as a young person) you had better be a clearly defined predator.

From a very early age I was one of the smartest people in the room (still true today, irrespective of what room I am in). My parents didn't believe in skipping grades so I was constantly leaving my classmates to go take math and reading lessons with the big kids. By the time I was your age I was stuck in classes with nerds so I had to work twice as hard to fit in. I found myself playing to my strength. Just as your friend is a fashion bully I became an intellectual bully. I developed a proclivity for ripping peers with differing opinions to shreds with a few tightly worded sentences (dumbing my words down enough to be understood by an audience but with sufficient eloquence to minimize the probability of a meaningful response). I was amazed at the potency of my own venom. The good new is, you can develop a little toxicity of your own.

Whatever your strength is, your friends probably don't share it. Perhaps it is athletics. You can EASILY point out how uncoordinated, lanky, and otherwise unappealing Hollister girls are. Are you really going to take fashion advice from someone who probably can't even hit a softball? I'm sure you can come up with much better incongruencies than I can. What you have to learn is how conversations are directed toward your center of strength. I am about to share three things with you that I have spent a life time learning. If you practice them with people you're close to (they won't even know you're doing it) you'll have no problem deploying them against those who don't share your agenda.

1) He (or she) who is asking the questions is ALWAYS in control of the conversation.

2) Use silence to your advantage (make the other party commit to the conversation). Sometimes he (or she) who speaks first loses.

3) PRES. PRES stands for Point, Reason, Example, Summary. Being able to sum up your point of view in four or five sentences has profound power. Most people don't think fast enough to defend against it. For example, to your plastic friend you could say...

Point: "I get my sense of belonging from the team I play for, not the label I'm wearing."

Reason: "My friends on the softball team have my back on the diamond and in life."

Example: "Last week when Michael was talking smack about me, Gina threw her milkshake in his face because we're more than team mates, we're friends. I bet the other 500 girls in our school who all wear Aeropostale wouldn't do that for you just because you're all wearing the same hoody."

Summary: "I'm sorry you don't belong to anything bigger than yourself. Maybe if you were good enough to make the team you wouldn't need to hide behind a label that you will be embarrased to admit you used to wear ten years from now. If you want to make some real friends, try outs are Thursday. I could put a good word in for you if you want..."

This is a crappy example. I'm sure you can do much better. Practice asking questions. Practice using silence. Practice PRES. Confidence (and competence) grows at the crossroads of opportunity and preparedness. You can (and should) be the alpha female in your circle of friends with this information. The more you use it, the more second nature it will become. You'd be amazed (even at 37 years of age) how easy it is for me to move a room full of people simply because I'm using the right levers.

Practice on those who are close to you first. Perfect your technique. Go out and make me proud!

Answer 7

Tell her there is no way she is bype B personallity that she is really type A**hole personallity and she will eventually get the message. Otherwise you have to overlook at least one major personality foaw in everyone to ever have any friends!