How do I accept spinsterhood?

Question

I’m 24 & have never been in a relationship, or had any real attention from men. I am not attractive at all and have never been kissed. Physically I’m very odd looking. I’m quiet and terrified of what people are thinking of me. I don’t know how to deal with men. My only ‘experience’ with dating was at 22 at uni, I saw a guy for a month. He was probably just as insecure as I was and we never did any more than hold hands. I get alot of crushes, from a long running crush on a guy at work, to feeling really self-conscious if I sit near a guy on a bus. It’s making me miserable, I would NEVER act on them, but I am so distracted that it can affect my work/ how I behave. I get my romance from books/TV. I used to want a man really badly but now every time I think about it I get panicked. I’m worried that I’ll get into trouble in a few years cos I’m so desperate and I can’t make the longing go away. What can I do to stop wanting a man? How can I let go of the idea of marriage and kids? It hurts.

Answer 1

First of all you NEVER accept spinsterhood.
There is someone out there for you - it just takes time and patience to find that person.
You think you are unattractive but many guys out there are not into looks they go for personality or what's inside.
Stop thinking that way about yourself - that is the first step
going otu and meeting new people is the trick dont just sit at home feeling sorry for yourself - go out and have a good time

Answer 2

No need to accept spinsterhood!!!

You are only 24 and have plenty of time ahead :)

It would appear your main stumbling block is your own low self esteem so you need to work on that , okay that said you probably wouldn't feel confident in practising on a one to one basis but you could try being more outgoing on yahoo to gain some confidence as a start to bigger things,,,lets see make a 360 yahoo and introduce yourself to other members and gradually you will gain confidence that way and that can transcend naturally into real life as your confidence grows.

I'll be your first friend on yahoo 360 if you take the plunge you have nothing to lose and everything to gain at least give it some thought :)

Best wishes

Answer 3

How is anyone gonna love you if you have no faith in yourself? Please dont think that at the age of 24 it is so important to be married with children! It's not! People meet and marry as far into their 80's and 90's!! They say there is someone out there for everyone, and when the one that is right for you (your soulmate) comes along, you will know it...you will be in no doubt.,
As for 'desperately wanting a man...' WHY? They are only good for one thing ... and you can do that in a test tube!!
For goodness' sake, stop being so darned hard on yourself. There are many of your friends out there, believe it or not, that will secretly envy you as the single one. You can do what you want, when you want, why you want, with who you want, because you want, and there aint a thing anyone can do about it.
And remember, it takes all sorts to make up a world, and we are ALL part of that allsorts. Give youself a break. Act happy and confident, and you will be.
Good Luck & God Bless and Dont be in so much of a hurry. Youre still a wee bairn!!

Answer 4

Oh god, hey don't give up on getting married - things happen out of the blue when you're not expecting them. There's someone out there for everyone. You'll need to take some steps though, if you really want things to change. You say you're "physically very odd looking" - without seeing you, i don't know what you mean by this. If you want to change your appearance, it's easy these days. Get a new hairstyle, new clothes, use make up etc. Get out and meet some new friends to improve your social life and build your confidence. Go out with work colleagues etc. You'll meet new people this way. Join a dating agency too in your local area, or go into a chat room. Don't ever give up though - you'll find someone. X

Answer 5

Can you post a picture of yourself? You could be odd-looking in a very unconventional way which can make you different, but interesting looking. I think you just have to take the plunge, I'm a shy girl, but I did and I've kissed a few people because of it. Just go with the flow and do whatever feels right. I'm sure there are plenty of guys who would like to thank you. Good luck! ^_^

Answer 6

Single blessedness is a virtue. You are only 24 and still have lots of years ahead of you to meet someone. However if fate is not kind to you accept whatever God"s will be done to you . Most marriages today end up in divorce and the majority end unhappily. You are lucky if you are single and free.You do not have to deal with a philandering husband and abusive children. As for your wanting for a man. Take a cold shower and it will go away.

Answer 7

Firstly,I'd have to say that your problem is your self esteem. You say your unattractive-that's the way you see yourself;but there will be men who will find you attractive. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But the fact that you put yourself down and are so self conscious will project on to others. Please consider counselling to help you to learn to feel better about yourself. Once you have more self confidence,it will show-and men will be attracted to that. You're young at 24-there is plenty of time. But I can guarantee,once you build up your self esteem,one day you're going to look into a man's eyes-and realize that to him you are the most beautiful woman he's ever known-because he loves YOU.

Answer 8

wanna go out with me? that's better than spinsterhood, kinda.

Answer 9

Please read this very carefully.

As other people have said in their answers, you DON'T simply accept spinsterhood, nor should you accept the insecurities which plague you.

The reason you have never been in a relationship has little to do with your physical appearance - it's all about the way you project yourself, the way you come across to others. You must have heard people say: "He/she isn't that good looking, but there's just something about them...." Think Julia Roberts when she married her first husband, Lyle Lovett! (If you don't know what he looks like, Google his name so you can see what I mean!)

This sounds cliched but it's true: you have to learn to love yourself before you can even think about sharing your life with another person. It doesn't sound as though you even like yourself very much, which is heartbreaking to read. You evidently don't feel worthy of anything or anyone, which is why you've resigned yourself to single life. Ask yourself this: how is anyone supposed to find you attractive or appealing when YOU clearly have such a low opinion of yourself?

You may not realise it, but your insecurities manifest themselves in your behaviour. You haven't said one positive thing about yourself, so your body language will reflect the fact that you feel miserable and unattractive. People sense these vibes, especially men. If you truly are "desperate", that will radiate from every pore, and you'll find that men will give you a wide berth, unless you find someone with the same hang ups as yourself (e.g. the guy you dated at uni).

You're still young; there is plenty of time yet, but you must work on yourself first. You say you're "terrified of what people think of you", and that you "can't deal with men." It seems you feel so inferior to others that you use books/TV as a form of escapism, which means you have a somewhat romanticised notion of relationships. Your fears are so overwhelming that you refuse to confront them. You musn't put men up on a pedestal - they're only human, not unattainable fantasy figures.

Men formulate lasting relationships with women that make them feel good about themselves, and vice versa. No-one wants to be in a relationship with someone they have to constantly reassure.
Everyone has their own issues, but they try to acccentuate their positives as opposed to becoming fixated on what they dislike about themselves. A huge number of the population drink alcohol (or even take drugs) every weekend in bars and clubs not only to have a good time, but because it can make you more confident, thus facilitating lots of people getting together. Obviously I'm not suggesting for a moment that alcohol is the solution as it's not often you'll find the love of your life in a bar or club; I'm merely pointing out that everybody has insecurities and this is one way of temporarily dealing with them.

Finally, being in a relationship is not the be all and end all. You should see a partner as someone who'll complement your life, not be the reason for it. You do not need a man to validate you. I'm sure that there are many wonderful things about you, and I am only sorry that you don't see them. Stop obsessing about "spinsterhood" and start being kinder to yourself - accept that everyone has flaws and we are all equal.

You can't engineer the future; no-one knows what's around the corner, but if you start focusing on the things you enjoy, such as spending time with your friends/family and devoting more time to the things that make you happy, you will become more content in yourself and thus project this persona. I understand you may feel this is an impossible task, and the tone of your writing suggests you are depressed, in which case you must go to your doctor who'll either prescribe a course of anti-depressants or perhaps arrange for you to have some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which would be hugely beneficial. Many people are reluctant to seek help for depression, but it works in the same way as anything else: if you had a bad headache, you'd take some paracetamol. If you had cut your finger, you'd put a plaster on the wound. Do not be afraid to seek help. Why should you suffer a moment longer when you don't have to?

In time, you will come to realise just how much you have to offer and only then will you be ready to embark on a relationship. It will happen when you least expect it.....but not until you are confortable in your own skin. I sincerely hope you'll take my advice and act upon it. I speak from personal experience - I have a friend who was in a situation like yours, but she's worked really hard to change her life. I wish you all the very best.

Answer 10

At 24, you should have been settled long since. What on earth is so odd looking about you that you cant find a boyfriend. Looks are pretty much skin deep, and its really about personality. You need a good seeing to pretty smartish, and if I was in your area I would put a smile on your face. Go out to a disco or similar and put yourself about a bit. Get yourself shagged before you crack up.