Why does my step-mom do this??

Question

Whenever my step-mom and I get into a very huge fight, she always brings up my mother. She also brings up my mother when we have a small disagreement. My step-mom and my mother have some problems about eachother, but I have no idea why my mother is the topic of discussion whenever we get into little/huge fights. Why do you think this happens? What would you do if someone brought up an irrelevent subject into a battle? (Rude comments will be ignored).

Answer 1

Well, when you two are fighting, who usually ends up winning? Who's usually more reasonable or correct? It sounds like maybe she's afraid to accept the fact that you have a better understanding of the fight more than she does and so she wants to keep the fight running by adding your mother as the fuel. Maybe your step-mom is afraid that you will love your mother more than her. Whenever people try to throw irrelevent subjects into the fight, it's a sign that they are losing. It could also mean that your step-mom just needs someone to talk to as well. Try asking her about it. And what would I do? I would ask her to keep irrelevent topics out of the discussion because then you can forget what the real problem was. Hope I helped!

Answer 2

A couple of things you can do (and it may apply to any argument) although in the middle of a fight, it's difficult, but try:
To stay calm and not reactive. Assess where this person may be a little right in her issue, and also look at the issues the person has that are causing her to bring up this subject. In the case of the step mom, remember that it's difficult to step-mom someone because they may be insecure knowing their partner once loved another woman who created...YOU! And step-kids often play little games within that role as well.
If you can stay calm, you can ask calmly, why are you bringing up my mom at this point (if she's saying "your mom does this or that" she is diverting the focus of the argument, which is you vs. her) - we are talking about you and me, can we stick to that?
Visualize the person you are facing as a little child, because it is often a hurt deep inside, sometimes caused from something that happened to them long ago that makes them strike out.
Remember to "OWN YOUR STUFF" in the subject at hand...(if you didn't do the dishes, AGAIN...own that you have a problem with that, but you are studying right now, please give me 1/2 hour and I will do them) --people who won't own their own part in it will never win. Usually it's a bit of both to blame.
Hope this helps you. Kids forget that sometimes they are more mature than an adult!

Answer 3

I think there is probably more to it than what you are saying. Have you ever told your step mom rude things yourself like you don't want to be with her, she's not your mom, etc??? If you want good advice, you need to tell the whole story. I think it is probably a little bit of both of you and that is normal. But she is the adult and she needs to keep her opinion to herself. You, on the other hand, need to be careful that you do not use comparisons that might put her in the situation that she bad mouths your mother to defend herself. You need to let her know that it hurts you to hear bad things about your mother because she is a part of you also. I agree that you might have to get your father involved. I don't think it is so much a jealousy thing as it is a defensive thing. I hope things work out for the best because step-mothers can be a good thing in your life. My children have a step-mother and she is a sweet person and I don't think she would ever say bad things about me - in fact, she stops my ex-husband from bad mouthing me to my children. I am glad she is there to take care of my children when they visit their father.

Answer 4

Is it possible that she is jelouse of your mom?
I would talk to dad about it and have him speak to your step mom.Not only is it emotionally abusive, it may even be written in custody papers that one Parent is restrained from despousing(poor mouth) the other. It is a sign of immaturity,and is not compitant parenting behavior. Perhaps this whole family, mother and Step mother too, could use some mediation. Just try not to take it personal, forgive her immaturity, don't even give her your power by responding to it. And, you'll be bettered for it. My heart goes out to you that, maybe somewhere down the line you could become the example of how a grown up should act.
Hope things work out for ya .

Answer 5

it could be something to do with your father. maybe your step-mum feels jealous or feels threatened by her. if your dad has a good relationship with both of them this could the reason. however your step-mum should be grown up enough to know its not your fault. you dont say what the problems are between them so unless you're strong enough to ask you're never going to find out. people can be horrible when arguing and say things that have nothing to do with the row just to upset you.why do you argue with your step-mum so much? perhaps you say things that are hurtful to her too.im quite a straight forward person so i would be asking what the problem was. if you cant then talk to your dad sounds like he's getting off easy.

Answer 6

Honestly, your step mother is immature to use your mother in an argument with you, and you should let your father know about it. It is rude of her and she is the adult and should behave like one. Parents are supposed to take the high road, but in her case she doesn't have the maturity to do it. You should just ignore her and know she is ignorant.

Answer 7

She is trying to make herself look better than your mom. My mom always does this too about my father(and I'm 30) I usually finish her sentence by saying you know dad never says a bad word about you. That usually ends the behaviour real quick.I t is completely your step moms insecurity.

Answer 8

Sometime when you two are getting along OK, ask if you and she can have a private discussion about something that's bothering you. If she agrees, bring it up. Don't be combative, don't blame her. Use "I" statements: "I Feel bad when..." "I would like to be closer to you but..." "I wish we didn't have to discuss my mother when..."
You could make an inroad. As soon as you start using "You" statements, the fights begin (for instance: "You make me mad when..." "You always bring up..." etc)
Good luck

Answer 9

I think she is jealous of your mother, maybe your mother is prettier than she is, or maybe she dresses nicer, I don't know, but, it does seem like she's jealous. Tell your father that your step-mother is doing this and see what he says, if he doesn't do anything, just try to stay away from her.

Answer 10

she probably feels that your fighting because you dont love her like your mother so shes trying to bad mouth your mother to make her seem less of a person to you and her better than your mother.