Am i doing the right thing as a stepmother?

Question

My 2 boys and I moved in with my fiance and his son 6 months ago. His son's mother is only in the picture when it is convinient to her, which isn't often. My finance works crazy hours and it barely home therefor I take care of all 3 boys and the household. I am having a hard time with my step-son in getting him to realize the importants of school, he is failing his grade 7 and will not bring home his book to do homework, lies about homework and will not study. I took away his PSP, PS2 and computer, he is not allowed out during the week, if we have a good week, no lying, no uncompleted homework and not failed tests he could go out on the weekend, which he hasn't gotten that privilege yet and it has been 2 months, he is forever in the house but it seems as soon as we give a little he is right back the same way. He has never been disciplines or in a routine like he is now. I don't want to have to move out because of the stress it causes me. Any advice? Am I doing the right thing?

Thank you for all your help, I will take it all in consdieration. He is currently in counselling, because I also had issues with him sexually abusing my 2 sons. I keep in contact with his teacher on a regular basis. His teachers writes all his homework on the internet therefoe I know what he has to do, but there is still always an arugment that the teacher didn't tell him he had that in homework regardless what the teacher wrote. I take alot of time talking to him and telling him that if i didn't care I would not be doing this, he sais he unserstand but I was once 12 also and I knew it all. I do talk to his father but he doesn't show much support. he wouldn't know what I am going throught because he never had to go through it. Anyway i will not give up.I will stay strong and keep my patience with him. I think conselling will do him alot of good. Thank you all soo much, it helps talking to other step-pareants as well as those who lived with step parents.

Answer 1

OMG!! yes you are!! i am a stepmom too with a failing stepson! his mom lets him play games and sports but i DO NOT when he is in my house he will be on the computer doing school work or reading i dont care if he doesent want to i cant give you any advice on what to do better because your doing it RIGHT! dont feel bad at all your the one who takes care of him so YOU set the rules when hes in your house!

Answer 2

First things first get a babysitter (he hasn't proven he is ready not to have one yet) and take a you day you need it. Now that your head is strait yes you are doing the right thing however you might have to give in a bit. A 7th grader who has never had discipline looks at a week like it is forever what about the 3 days he was good? it would be like going to work for a week and not getting paid for the week because on Friday you were late. I would suggest finishing your homework with a parent to check it worth something immediate like an hour on the Ps2 or computer. 3 good days equals Sunday the other three equals Saturday going out ( I did this backwards because Sunday is usually less fun so it makes Saturday an added incentive)It might also help if you find out what some of the more relaxed rules were and incorporate a few. you are combining families its not fair that you and your children are living on all the same rules and your fiance and his son have become overburdened with yours. You may want to look into getting him a cute tutor to at grade 7 I'm sure this ploy will work.

Answer 3

Ok you have a good way of doing things. But step back and look at things. failing school??? Does he have a hard time understanding things, classes to hard. Peer presure. You have to see if there are other things that maybe going on and have been before you got there. Sit down talk to him, tell him you really hate seeing him with out this stuff. And tell him you'll help with home work and any problems if he comes to you. End it with some thing like this.. " I see you are so much smarter then most kinds and could be and do anythung you want, but if you screw up school you screw up thr chances you have at getting what you want so let make a deal I give you a game back for a week and for a week you bring home books and homework and I'll help you. You don't I take game back, you do and we will give some thing else on the same deal. During this time if he does his part watch and see if he has study problems, make use you let him know how happy he made you if he does bring stuff home.

Answer 4

Yes your a good mother but I would like to suggest something. You see he feels as if hes not really your son or part of the family. Take him out everyweekend with everyone even though hes getting bad grades just to let him know that he is a major part of the family. Then start going up to the school and involving yourself with his class check or call the teachers to see if he has homework. Offer to help him with the homework. Praise him when does do something even its something that seems so minor. Tell him the better you do the better reward. give a gift or 2 when he does something good and start stretching it out so he knows working hard pays off at the end. But include him in all the fun activities to get him use to you to trust you. Tell him something about you how you acted in school tell him no one else knows this is our secret. lil stuff like that. Good Luck

Answer 5

Yes, you are doing the right thing. I'm also in 7th grade. Talk to him about what's going on and explain to him what you have been thinking and feeling. Ask him what he has been feeling also. Do not say that you understand what he's been feeling because every child will say that's B.S. Just tell him that you wish you could understand and relate to him, but that you will always be there to talk. Maybe also take him to a concert of his favorite band to make you guys better friends. Also pick his work up from school and watch him do the work and check it and make sure that he tries to anwser the questions. Good luck.

Answer 6

Reading your question is like reading a page right out of my own life! YES, you are doing the right thing! I am also a step-mom...for 14 years now! And I have the very same situation regarding the kids and their mom. When a child (no matter how old he is) has not had the love and support and discipline of a secure family it may be hard for him to adjust. Hang in there! Tweens do not like to admit it but discipline is what they need and CRAVE! Make sure you are not the only one doing the disciplining and make sure your man is as involved as possible. Hang in there my fellow step-mother....this too shall pass.

Answer 7

Sweetie, you are doing the right thing. As long as you aren't putting your hands on him or anything, you are doing the best you can. Read this article:

Tips for Stepparents

THE U.S. Bureau of the Census predicts that stepfamilies will outnumber traditional families by 1995. By then, 59 out of every 100 children will live in “blended families” (families with a stepparent) before they reach 18 years of age. Following are just a few suggestions to help the growing number of stepparents.

Give It Time: Stepparents must remember that it takes time for stepchildren to accept a new parent. Mental-health professional Mavis Hetherington explains why the first few months—or years—can be so difficult: “In the early stages of remarriage, both sons and daughters are hostile, sulking, negativistic and angry not only at their stepfather but at their mother. They’re mad . . . at their mother for remarrying.” Stepparents must try to understand the feelings of the children, challenging though that may be.—See Proverbs 19:11.

Build a Good Relationship First: Joy Conolly, in her book Stepfamilies, wisely cautions that stepparents will be in a better position to correct their stepchildren’s behavior after they have built a good relationship with them. In the meanwhile, it may be best for the natural parent to handle needed discipline. (Compare Proverbs 27:6.) On the other hand, stepparents can give children a sense of continuity by supporting the routines they have long enjoyed—such as taking long walks or playing games together. Stepfathers, though, should not use mealtimes as occasions to lecture the family.

Avoid Favoritism: The stepfather or the stepmother should avoid, if possible, any evidence of favoritism toward his or her natural offspring, however difficult this may be at times.—Compare Romans 2:11.

Draw Close With Caution: A recent study of stepfamilies found that it is often particularly difficult for stepfathers and stepdaughters to get along. One author put it this way: “Stepfathers reach out, and the girls shrink back. Stepfathers try to exert some discipline, and the girls fight back.” The author summarizes: “It seems there is nothing a stepfather can do, early on, with girls that is successful.” Great patience and empathy are thus needed. While girls appreciate verbal praise from their stepfather, they often feel uncomfortable with physical gestures such as hugging. The stepfather should be aware that a girl might feel this way. If she does, he should put more emphasis on verbal praise and discussion than on physical displays of affection.—Compare Proverbs 25:11.

Beware of Jealousy: Experience shows that many a stepdaughter tends to perceive a stepmother as a competitor. A stepmother who anticipates and empathizes with the girl’s feelings may thereby wisely prevent unnecessary power struggles. The father can do much to relieve tension by reassuring his daughter of his continuing love and esteem. (Proverbs 15:1) Researchers caution that stepmothers often try too hard and too soon to become parent figures for their new stepdaughters. Again, patience is the key.

Being a stepparent is far from easy. But it can be done, as thousands of successful examples show. And remember, the Bible gives the best advice for success in any family situation when it says: “Clothe yourselves with love, for it is a perfect bond of union.”—Colossians 3:14.

Answer 8

From one stepmom to another, I feel your pain. My 17 y.o. stepson has lived with us since he was 11. We have many of the same issues. We are consistent parents who expect him to follow the rules and carry his weight around the house (which he won't do).
We went to counseling and the counselor basically said it's dad's problem. I'm supposed to stay out of it because I'm "only the stepmom".
Sounds like you're doing all the right things. My advice to you would be to demand his father be a father. Don't let him dump his responsibility in your lap. Of course there will be issues you can't let go of, but choose your battles and then stick to it! Good luck. As he's only in the 7th grade, it's gonna be a long haul.

Answer 9

He is having a really difficult time. You need to talk to him and let him know that even though you are not his mother, you care about him. The path that he has chosen is a difficult one. Failing, lying and probable feeling sorry for himself will only get worse if he continues on this way. You are doing the right thing. I just feel so sorry for him. He just needs to realize that things happen and he needs to continue on, school work inculded. I hope things improve for you. Good luck.

Answer 10

To a degree yes you are, but you can't make the poor kid feel like a prisoner in his own house. Maybe you are putting too much pressure on him. What he really needs more than anything, is your reassurance of your love and protection. If his head is in the right frame of mind, he will be willing , and able to learn better. Try not to be the prison guard, and more like a mother.