Am i doing the right thing as a stepmother?

Question

My 2 boys and I moved in with my fiance and his son 6 months ago. His son's mother is only in the picture when it is convinient to her, which isn't often. My finance works crazy hours and it barely home therefor I take care of all 3 boys and the household. I am having a hard time with my step-son in getting him to realize the importants of school, he is failing his grade 7 and will not bring home his book to do homework, lies about homework and will not study. I took away his PSP, PS2 and computer, he is not allowed out during the week, if we have a good week, no lying, no uncompleted homework and not failed tests he could go out on the weekend, which he hasn't gotten that privilege yet and it has been 2 months, he is forever in the house but it seems as soon as we give a little he is right back the same way. He has never been disciplines or in a routine like he is now. I don't want to have to move out because of the stress it causes me. Any advice? Am I doing the right thing?

Thank you for all your help, I will take it all in consdieration. He is currently in counselling, because I also had issues with him sexually abusing my 2 sons. I keep in contact with his teacher on a regular basis. His teachers writes all his homework on the internet therefoe I know what he has to do, but there is still always an arugment that the teacher didn't tell him he had that in homework regardless what the teacher wrote. I take alot of time talking to him and telling him that if i didn't care I would not be doing this, he sais he unserstand but I was once 12 also and I knew it all. I do talk to his father but he doesn't show much support. he wouldn't know what I am going throught because he never had to go through it. Anyway i will not give up.I will stay strong and keep my patience with him. I think conselling will do him alot of good. Thank you all soo much, it helps talking to other step-pareants as well as those who lived with step parents.

Answer 1

You are definitely doing the right thing! It sounds like your stepson needs to talk to someone like the school counsellor. It sounds like he is having a hard time adjusting to not having his mom and suddenly having new siblings. This is normal behavior in kids who have gone through divorce/remarriage, and they often need to talk to the school counsellor.

Answer 2

I do think that you are doing you're best, and your heart is in the right place. Sounds like some of it may be acting out, but there's probably more to it. I know when I was his age and lived with a step parent I didn' t necessarily like being disciplined by my step dad, but now I look back and know it's only because he cared. Try not to be so much disappointed in him, but more involved...He may be going through a lot right now and not have the dedication he should in school because he's got a head full of things that are bothering him. When I was going through what it sounds like he is, all I would do is day dream in class, and then forget about homework, cause I didn't have a clue where to start. And the Decipline didn't change a thing for me. If you take too much away he might just lose hope and stop caring. I definately think his dad and you should both be involved with making desicions, I mean come on you're going to be in this boys life for a very long time, and if you give up now, you may never get a chance to bond with him and could lose out on a great love. Good luck, keep at it!

Answer 3

Gosh Glad to hear that your not married to this many yet. Being a Step child or parent isn't very easy and being one myself I still have issues. About school well now days a student like that can still get a fairy good job by going to trade school. I was similar except I grew up on a farm and my interest was in the livestock and all the other outdoor things and school was lets say hardly on the list. But today I wished it would have been the other way on top but I wouldn't want to change the way I've lived either.

You might size up things and do move out on your own before you get tangled up in marriage. Its much easier to get married and pregnant than it is to end it and if you have children with this many then your locked in for a lifetime and no choices or limited.

Either way or what comes good luck.

Answer 4

You should not be the bad guy. As the only enforcer of the rules it has become easy for him to put you in he role of bad guy. Also very important to remember, if you take away all of his entertainment and fun then there is nothing for him to look froward to. He becomes more and more miserable and angry taking it all out on you and your children. So no you are not doing the right thing in my opinion, but you are doing the best you can. It's obvious you want to help and want whats best. His father is the only person who should set rules and punishment for his son, with your advice as a good parent of course. As for enforcement you should remind your step son that he needs to do his homework or clean up his room but under no circumstances do you enforce punishment. So have a talk with your fiance and stand firm, you are not the boys mother. Even if he is busy, he was busy before you moved in. He needs to handle every problem. You can be a sounding board and a shoulder to lean on, a friend for both of them.

Answer 5

Has he been tested for ADD or ADHD? That shounds alot like the ADD i dont cares. They dont care, nor work to get taken things back. I would speak to my B/f and make an appointment. Better to follow up and be wrong then to not know.

Im not pushing meds. My son is ADD and on nothing. We just have to set up quiet study areas, He is once again a good student, but thats because I got daily and weekly school reports, so that I knew for sure what he was and wasnt doing. He just decied doing it and turning stuff in was better then dealing with me over it.

Answer 6

Just treat him the same way you would your own children. Expect if his father isn't involved (no matter what hours) you'll never get the boy to behave. His father must decide to either sit down and tell his son that this is the way things are going to be, other wise the boy will think it is just you. Have you tried signing the boy up for counseling? Maybe tutoring too. Maybe he is seeing if you'll stick around or by doing this he'll get you to leave. That way his life will go back to revolving around his way of thinking, (not having parents make him have responsibilities). Just stick to your guns and get your finance to understand the stress it is having on you.

Answer 7

My advice is to stick with it. It's only been 6 months, so he has adjusting to a stable house to deal with. That could really take up to a year. I would also get with his teachers to try to find some remedy about his school work, it might also help him get the point of a united front. His dad also have to be on board with all of this too, that is imperative. He will learn what it's like to have a steady mom figure, and he will be all the better for it. You are doing the right thing, stick to your guns.

Answer 8

You should contact the principle and his teachers. My sister was the same way in middle school so my parents contacted the principle who had a talk with my sisters teachers and they started sending home a paper with my sister everyday with homework assignments that had to be done and as soon as she got home my mother would ask for the paper and make her sit down at the kitchen table and do it, she was not allowed to do anything till she finished all the homework.

Answer 9

you are doing the right thing, and no you are not being mean.But his dad needs to help you with him more so that he can be gotten under control sooner.If you would not set limits for him then think of what he will become if no one takes them time to care!! and think about what it will say to your own kids if you just let him go.I hope you can hang in there and you all work through this,and think about it before you move out if you go then who will help this child get his life on track i give you 10 stars for taking the time to care and help him out also how about showing him that you love him,he may be doing all of this for attention,its a good possibility.best wishes and good luck

Answer 10

although dad works odd hours make him aware of the issues and get his help and support and another thing then son may be acting out due to lack of his mothers presence.see if the counselor at his school can talk with him.it may help him a great deal.