Mother/daughter relationships?

Question

I recently gave up my home (and essentially my whole life) so I could move into my mums house to be her carer and I'm starting to resent her so much. Initially she needed me because she broke a hip, but that's healed now and she needs me around because she has severe arthritis in both her knees which gives her serious mobility problems and she needs a Zimmer frame or crutches to walk. She tends to sit down ALL the time and very rarely moves out of her chairs, in fact as far as she's concerned she's getting exercise if she gets up and goes to the toilet! Her doctor has said she needs to "use it or lose it" about her knees and she's already losing it because her legs are wasting away. She's only 5ft tall but weighs about 17 and a half stone so she desperately needs exercise. I've tried coaxing her but she won't listen and all I really want to do is scream "You're a lazy fat bag" at her. She won't do anything, except eat and watch TV or use her computer. Any advice? (She's 69.)

I also have trouble getting her to take a shower. Ideally I'd like her to go in at least every two days, but she's stubborn and will only go in every 3 - 4 weeks, which is really disgusting. She doesn't smell particularly sweet sometimes and it's not nice being near her. She should have gone in the shower two days ago but she's still dragging her heals about it. And when I ask her if she's cleaned her teeth she says "Yes, a few days ago" or "I have but it was a while ago".
The doctor says she's not depressed or anything, she just horrifically lazy and I'm just about ready so start swearing at her out of simple frustration!

I have tried and TRIED to get her to a day care centre but she won't go! I can understand that because it'll be like a first day at a new school, but I'd like her to go if only for company. Most of her friends have died and she doesn't know many people now. I've done my best for her for years and she just doesn't listen when I tell her she's doing herself real harm by not getting any exercise. I ask her to walk up and down the garden path just to look at all the bulbs that are flowering but she can't be arsed to do that even. She says "I'll do it tomorrow" and that's the end of it. I've tried being positive over and over and over with no effect. The doctor says I'm doing the right thing and I should keep on trying but when you get nowhere it's hard to carry on. She has severe circulation problems through lack of exercise and she whines about being cold even though she sits beside a radiator, but she can't see that if she moved a bit she'd warm up.
I want to scream

Useless info, my mum may have arthritic knees but I have an arhritic spine as well as a prolapsed disc, trapped nerve, a slight curvature, osteophytes and a disease that's making the vertebrae crumble away, yet I manage, although I do need strong painkillers every day, even just to get out of bed.

Thank you all for your caring answers. I would dearly love to move out but although she's not demented or anything like that she is a danger to herself because there's been times in the past when she has tried to cook for herself and has walked off and left a frying pan on a ring a couple of times and it's caught fire. I don't fry food for her so I expect that's why she tried for herself.
Also, she is very good at emotional blackmail, and she can sulk like no-one else I know. She's my mum and I'll always love her but really there are times when I wouldn't care if I never saw her again.

Answer 1

You are at the end of your tether. The doctor should be doing much more. Also where does she live is it UK? My dad is 88 and without going in to detail his mobility is awful. I live 25 miles away (only child) and he is in a little pensioners house without a bedroom. Under no circumstances would he move here. He is trying and has a shower every day. However, getting to the point the care he receives from Social Services is amazing. I believe this is a lot to do with him living on his own and no family close by. I am wondering if you hadn't moved in would your mum had the outside care she obviously requires? I live in Scotland and we have free care for the elderly this means my dad's personal care as in showering, dressing anything related to his personal hygience and giving him his meals is free. He only pays towards his cleaning and shopping. This depends on circumstances and he pays just under £60 to the council every 4 weeks. He can well afford this as he is in receipt of Attendance Allowance. Have you looked in to all these things for your mum? Seven days a week he has carers in 4 times a day, weekends is purely personal care and reduced times but still regular and I know if I'm not there he is checked on. In your mum's case you are needing to speak with the doctor and if he is not interested I wouldn't be afraid to make a complaint against him if your mum would not allow you to change doctors. It sounds like your mum needs care both for her mental and physical state. PLEASE fight to get something done, for your own sake if nothing else. I have just realised your mum is only 69, in this day and age this isn't old and so much of her problems seem self inflicted. I am sorry I am not really giving you positive feedback to your posting as what worries me is as the saying goes "You've made your bed so you can lie on it" This could be they way the authorities are looking at it and unfortunately without doing something desperate they may just be leaving you to it. Through experience with an elderly unmarried aunt of my husband's that was exactly their reaction. Although we didn't move in as you have done and despite me just being married to her nephew, no blood relative as I was seeing to her, taking her meals down etc the necessary help wasn't provided for her. At the very least you must confront your mother, begin nicely but don't take any snash from her. As someone suggested leave her meals where she moves to eat them. This is not cruel if she is supposed to be moving around. If possible go out even for a walk when you put her meals down in order your don't hear her demands. Same with personal hygiene, tell her straight she stinks, you are willing to assist her only ONCE more getting her thoroughly clean but she requires a shower EVERY day and if she doesn't you don't help her. If she can walk to the toilet she can walk to the shower. Also a dietician should be involved here and without cutting down you no doubt could provide a far healthier diest, both to loose weight and for her general health. Know saying it is all so easy and no one knows more than me when it comes to a parent how difficult it can be. I wish you all the very best and just sorry I am not able to give you answers that will resolve your dreadful problem.

Answer 2

You need to move out to your own place again.

1. Becoming her sole caregiver 100% if the time does result in burn-out and many of the resentments that you are experiencing.
2. You are not in a position to make her do anything at all that she does not want to do. The terms of the living arrangement are that she's the boss and you just do what she tells you to do. She does not have to obey you, as you have discovered.
3. Your presence is enabling her to eat, sit down or lie down. That's all that she does. The things that you do for her (that she should be doing for herself) are making her increasingly dependent on you, not more independent. Thus, she is NOT getting better.
4. You arrived for a broken hip. The hip is now repaired as best it can be. As soon as you can arrange for other lodging, give her notice that while you will still visit, you are no longer her live-in servant. Since she is in charge, it will be up to her to make other arrangements. There's nothing wrong with her mind.

My mother-in-law recently moved from her home to an independent living center where many of her remaining friends (she's 86) also live. She has trouble recalling the immediate past but seems to be responding well to her new environment.

Answer 3

The GP doesn't sound like a very caring person at all. Your mother has perhaps become lazy as it is very painful to move. I would suggest that you put her on a low fat diet and not buy any chocolate in for her. She is also in need of exercise from the sound of it, perhaps she could have some physiothrapy to try and get her a little more mobile, or she if she would go swimming.

It seems as though you need some support as well, caring for someone full time can be very frustrating, I would advise you to get in touch with your social services and sort out for an OT to come out and some homecare services. You really need some homecare as it is a strain on your relationship.

I hope this has helped you and that you sort something out. Good luck

Answer 4

I feel for you, really I do. My grandmother lives with us and my mum cares for her due to a persistant leg ulcer and severe arthritis. She too will only shower when it suits her, which is probably about once a month and that's with coaxing. She will stay in bed until about 3 o clock in the afternoon and even then will just stay in her nighty and sit in her chair and watch tv for the rest of the evening. She isn't very mobile either and also thinks going to the toilet is exercise! However, she can walk and stand some distances but is reluctant to do anything for herself - pretty much expects to be waited on hand and foot, complains about her food and even complains that we don't take her out - yet when we offer she says she's not feeling well - it's getting to us too.

However, advice on what to do is difficult as we are still struggling too. Usually we tend to try and ignore her comments if she complains about something. Don't rise to the complaints if she makes them, it only seems to spur my g'ma on. The only thing I can really suggest is to look into local homes which offer respite facilities or a day care place to get her out of the house so you can have some time to yourself. Or look into getting a carer or home help a couple of times a week to help with her. Maybe she would be more willing to take suggestions of a shower from a carer than her own daughter? As far as exercise is concerned you could look into taking her to a physio to get her moving, it may cost you some money, but could be worth while to get her to use her knees. Are you getting any kind of monetary benefits from it? Usually the person being cared for can get an "attendance allowance" (if you're in the UK) which you could get transferred to your account, and use it to put towards her care (the day's out etc).

If you feel you're about to scream, take a breath and count to 10 - she's only likely to become more reluctant to do things if you shout. I don't think I've been much help, but best of luck to you.

Answer 5

Jesus, what a mess! Why you? have you any brothers/sisters? has your mum any other family, sisters/brothers? Anyone at all who can get involved in her care and give you a break?
Your mum like having you there to fetch and carry; you may have get seriously tough with her. 69 these days is not that old; my father lived to be 84, and HIS mother was 96 when she died, so in theory you could have a long long life of misery for you ahead.
I wonder; did you not discuss it wiht her before you moved in? Was there a time limit on your services? If it was meant to be a more or less permanent arrangement, you are going to need to look after yourself. First of all, set limits for your availability to your mother.Take time out every single day, even if it's only an hour; tell a neighbour you are going to do this - I take it your mum does not need 24 - 7 nursing. You then need to take at least one night a week to go out. this is where your relatives come in. Take all offers of mum sitting, meals being cooked. Tell your relatives you can't cope otherwise. Also tell your mother. She has nothing wrong with her brain; she needs to understand, very forcefully, that it's not going to work unless there is a lot of co-operation from her.
In the meantime, check out what is available in the way of long term nursing homes; what they cost,how to get in. And see if they do respite care; you will need a couple of breaks a year to go away somewhere. You will need to call on the services of your local community nurse and see what support there is in the community - like a day care centre. My friend's father lives alone, but the family take it in turns to call in on him and set him up for the day; he goes to a day care centre once a week where they give him a shower; he also has a home help and a daily call from the meals on wheels.
Your mum is not a baby; you have basically turned your own life upside down to make hers safer and better; this does not mean you have given up your life - it just means you have adjusted it; and only temporarily. You must get firm with her; start by telling her the new arrangements - that you are going out for a walk; that she will be fine, and that it would be really nice if she could practice and you could go for a short walk together. then introduce the nights out and the respite thing!
I really feel for you; another friend of mine has just gone back to work after nursing her mother for 18 months with MN disease; her mum was lovely, a real pet; but I saw how often my friend was left alone by the rest of the family to deal with crises. Act now, while you still can!

Answer 6

It sounds as if she needs to be made to move before you both lose the will to live!!

Tell her that she is being selfish. If this doesn't work then you will need to make her move.

E.g. Put her meal on the dining room table, so that if she doesn't move she doesn't get a hot meal. Stop making life so easy for her, and force her to move to get the things she needs. Eventually you could get her to help prepare the meals etc.....If she won't help you can just give her the basic nutrients without making her food tasty unless she helps (as long as the doctor agrees that she is capable of of curse).

You need to get out and have a life too. Does she have any other friends or relatives who could sit with her while you are out? Preferably people who have a no nonsense attitude.

You need to be cruel to be kind sometimes. This is for both your sakes!

My mum had a two year illness before she died, but on her good days she always got up and about, and would cook meals etc. whenever she felt up to it. When she said she wasn't up to it, I knew she meant it. She had to accept help for the most basic things in the end, and she hated it. I think your Mum is being selfish.

Answer 7

Hi. I'm in a similar situation. Although i havent moved in with my mum, but other things are similar. Its unfortunate that you have moved in cos she's getting your full attention now and is really milking it. What you need to do now is pull back. If you can move out then do that or get a part time job to give you space from her. If you move out get a carer in. Contact your local social services for the elderly. They will arrange for someone to come in and assess. Like me you're a young woman and resentment is inevitable, but to keep your sanity you have to stop thinking about her 24/7. You've said and done all you can, when she realises that you no longer will tolerate her desire to give up, tell her she's made these choices including pushing you away and step back. She will blackmail you with everything but she'll have to do something for herself in the end. For the utmost, dont feel guilty. Good Luck

Answer 8

I know how frustrating this can be - I have had a similar thing with my gran. Firstly, try to deal with your own feelings - get out with your friends and other family, and I found that my frustrations were founded in the fact that my gran had always been this strong, able person that I looked up to, and now she had become feeble and weak - I was annoyed at her for that as well as the individual events when she was lazy or rude.

I would talk to your doctor and get him/her to do more - when I was looking after my gran she got a new GP who got things moving - I think when the older person has someone to care for them it is too easy for their GP to do less, partly because the solutions are quite drastic and would be hard on both their patient and their family.

My gran ended up getting both knees replaced, and while she recovered she stayed in a rehabilitation hospital because I refused to have her home. After about a week of her being upset with me for that, she thanked me everytime I came to visit because she was meeting so many new people and feeling much better than when it was just us in her flat. She is now home and much better, she has a buzzing social life (better than mine!) at 88.

Whatever you do, don't just leave it as you will ruin anything you have left of your relationship and your mother will get no better.

I wish you the very best of luck xx

Answer 9

It sounds as though mum is stubborn and lazy.A sharp shock treatment could be the answer.Could you go away for a whole day, and leave her to cope on her own?.
She doesn't value you,she thinks that you should look after her because you are her daughter.I think you should write to her explaining that you cannot go on any more looking after her unless she changes her ways,and that you are thinking of moving out,and that she is driving you away from her.
The best way to get her to see the error of her ways is to ignore her needs.Go on strike,because you know she can walk and do a lot more for her self.It will take a lot of strength to do this,but it really is essential that she gets up and exercise her legs.Place her on a healthy eating plan,and if she doesn't like it then she will have to do her own cooking.You have heard of the saying "to be cruel to be kind" You need to be firm and stick to your guns with her! Good luck hun!

Answer 10

Find another doctor---she is definitely depressed. Also, you cannot know the pain of severe arthritis in your knees unless you've had it.
Your mum sounds exactly my grandmother whose arthritis was so bad she couldn't stand for more than 3 minutes. Consider getting her a wheelchair or scooter so she can get out and ask a doctor or search the internet for exercises wheelchair-bound persons can do to boost their stamina. Exercise is also a mood-enhancer so between finding a doctor to prescribe an anti-depressant and getting her to exercise she should be on her way to better independence and you can get back to your life. Good luck!