I just found out my dear friend is dying of cancer and lukemia. She is the dearest friend I know. what to do?

Question

She told me not to feel guilty, what does that mean?
She seemed like she was very calm about this, and she only found out 3 weeks ago.
I'm still in the denial/shock stage, and she is a very important and dear friend. She helped me and listened and suggested and took me to classes on elder care prior to my mother's passing. I don't know what I will do without this special friend in my life. It seems like she is saying her good-byes, and not expecting the chemo to work. she doesn't believe in chemo, but is doing one more round for her family. she herself, has only known for 3-4 weeks.
She says it happens, and doesn't expect the medical treatments to work, as it's now spread into her hip, rapidly.

My friend and I have a very wonderful relationship, and have never had hurt feelings. It's the best friendship I've ever had in my life. I'm so fortunate to have this person in my life. I don't have anything to feel "guilty" about, other than some earrings I was to make her a year ago, which I will be delivering this week.
Thank you all for your comments.
I spent the day crying and feeling sorry for myself and the getting over the grief and shock of it. I also didn't know that she was in the hospital, so that could have been what she meant by don't feel guilty.
I hadn't been well, and we hadn't spoken for 3 weeks, which is normal for us when one isn't well, we each go into extreme self care mode.

I know I will be strong enough to face this Monday in the Morning. I went to the bead store and bought some special stones for her...those earrings I gave her 18 months ago, she gave to her daughter and requested a pair only 2" long...NO time like the present! thanks!

Answer 1

First, let me say how sorry I am to hear that your friend is going through this. I have a little bit of insight into this because I have a terminal illness. I can tell you what she doesn't need. She doesn't need people telling her to try magical cures and sending her off to some spiritual place so some "healer" might cure her for the right price.

She is going through the chemo for a couple of reasons. First, she is doing it to placate those around her, and deep in the back of her mind, she still has a little hope that things will work out. I think she is probably a realist and knows her odds of surviving this are slim. She is actually trying to prepare those around her for the worst, because she has accepted her fate. If she has moved through the 5 steps in the grieving process (yes, the dying go through the same steps the living do), then the best thing you can do is get to the acceptance phase of things and "return back to normal" as quickly as possible.

This is going to be difficult, but you need to get back to the old days where you were great friends and health wasn't an issue. My friends and family call me up, ask me how I am doing, and then we move on to other more pleasant things. That's what she wants as well. When you see her, give her a hug and ask her how's she doing (if she wants to talk about it, listen to her) and then move on to more pleasant things. She doesn't need a constant reminder that she is sick. She lives it every minute of every day. What she does need is a reminder that she is the same person she was before she got sick, and that will make her feel better than anything any doctor can do.

Remember, it's OK to cry with her, but don't cry for her. She's cried enough for both of you. The terminally ill feel a lot of guilt because of the anguish and hurt other people feel because of their illnesses. They know how bad you feel and they know how your heart is breaking. They also know they are the cause of that grief and that is a heavy burden to bear. By accepting her fate and treating her like you always did, you will illustrate just how much she means to you. One of the responders stated that a lot of people pull away when people suffer a terminal illness. Those that pull away say they can't handle it or don't know what to do. The reality is they are selfish and don't want to stay involved.

She's still the same person she was 3 months ago, 6 months ago, two years ago. The only difference now is she is facing her own mortality. It isn't an easy thing to do, but facing it alone is something no one should ever do. Give her a call in the morning, ask her how's she doing, and then move on to more normal things. You will make her day, just like you have every other morning you gave her a call.

Good luck to both of you. She sounds like a special person and you sound like a special friend. Cherish the time you have left with her and don't spend it talking about bad things.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry for your friend, and you. It's such a stressful and sad thing. But not all hope is lost. First off, I don't know why she would tell you not to feel guilty. I think perhaps what she means, is don't be sad for her. But that's impossible because you care for her so much. She may appear calm but some people handle bad news very quietly. The really important thing is that she's receiving the best medical care possible. If money is not an issue, she should go to the Cancer Center of America. They have innovating treatments and a higher cure rate than anyone else. If these treatments don't work, the only thing you can do is leave it up to God. Everyone has a pre-ordained time to die. If it's not her time, she'll make it. If it is, God can provide peace of mind and get both of you through this thing. Another thing you can do is to take her to a strong faith church and have them lay hands on her. I've witnessed healing miracles first hand so I know they're real. Again, this depends on what God has planned for her. She also may want to consider therapy, and you too. It can really ease the stress to talk to someone about it. I wish her the best. Take care and God bless.

Answer 3

Be supportive as possible. No matter what you do, you will hurt. As an addition to chemo Try Vitamin C therapy. A few years ago a cancer researcher came out with a paper saying that the best cancer and infection fighter as yet found was Interferon, but, at the time, it cost $15,000 a gram. The good part was that Interferon was a product of the natural breakdown of Vitamin C in your system. The FDA says that the RDA for Vit C is 64 mg a day, just enough to prevent scurvy. Linus Pauling, who got a Nobel Prize for his work with Vit C and a second Nobel Prize for organic chemistry, said 1000 mg a day as a minimum and 2000 mg a day if you are sick. On a personal note, I was sick twice a year, for 2 weeks at a time, for 20 years, and was flat on my back for at least a week each time. To this day the doctors have no idea what the problem was. After I gave up on the doctors I tried Vit C. I took enough to keep from being sick and just below too much to get diarrhea. It followed a bell curve over 2 weeks with a peak at 40,000 mg a day – about 300,000 over the 2 weeks. I was not sick for those 2 weeks and after a couple of years of that I have not been sick since. I did not dissolve my kidneys, as some doctors said would happen. I did not get any calcium build up or stones and did not dissolve my cones or solidify my joints. Try it, but drink a lot of water – Vit C is a natural diuretic.

Answer 4

How heartbreaking..I am so sorry for you and her....just try to be there for her if she needs you...try and spend as much time with her as you can..and if she is being pessimistic than you be optimistic....and don't give up hope.....try to be up beat around her....I know this might be hard...I have had family members die of cancer...and it is so hard to be "bright and sunny" when your heart is breaking...but now is not the time to be glum ..she needs to smile and laugh ..if ( I used the "if."..because there is always hope and you can't give up on it ) ..this is her last little while on earth..than it should be made as pleasant as possible....

I am truly sorry and I know how heartbreaking something like this is...but don't be to heartbroken yet...she may be able to kick this thing in the a____ ...and that is what the focused needs to be on....and her sounded like she is already lost is a normal reaction....anyone would be depressed with this kind of news....so just try and be her strength and be encouraging around her ..this will help her with this battle...

I wish for her the best possible outcome ......

Answer 5

when she said not to feel gulity, she meant not to feel that way because she's dying and you are not and not to feel bad about any bad feelings you both may have had in the past. the only thing you can do is support her and try to have a little FUN, thats right, FUN.remember, she's not dead yet, carry on, thats what she wants, something close to normal, no obvious tears, for she has hidden ones. GOD BLESS YOU BOTH!

Answer 6

DONT GIVE UP...
Go and take some cesium chloride with rubidium and DMSO. Also take some oxygen drops, and ip6 pills. Also, take an aloe vera plant, a fresh one from the local floral shop, and cut off their pricks. Then cut off a chunk and put it into a blender. Put some vanilla ice cream into it. This is going to be extremely bitter so just gulp it down. Do this maybe 3 times a week for about a week or two. This should take care of you and kill any remaining cancer you may have left in your body. The oxygen drops helps your body take in more oxygen and nothing more. But, its effective because cancer cannot live where there is too much oxygen. Um, it also prohibits cancer from developing. And its natural, all it is is a liquid that allows your body to take in more oxygen. the cesium chloride changes your ph level in your body so that cancer cannot live. Its like taking a freshwater fish and putting it into a salt water body of water. The fish will eventually die. This is what the cesium chloride does to cancer. The rubidium in the cesium chloride helps your body take in the cesium chloride. The ip6 pills take iron out of your body. It binds with the iron. Iron is the building blocks of cancer. So, without it, it cannot multiply. It will multiply until it runs out of iron. And without iron, it will have to die because it needs it to live, thrive, and multiply. And cancer multiplies alot faster then your normal body cells. So, you can do without iron for a while. But, this ip6 does something even more extraordinary. It takes iron out of the cancer cells and not from your body. But, this leads to the next situation. You need to limit your iron intake. Like beef, red beets, broccoli, etc etc. You must eat brown rice. Ip6 is just an extract from this brown rice. It binds with iron but only from cancer cells. Cancer takes it from your body. So, by eating brown rice, it absorbs all the iron in your body.
PS..The aloe vera is a natural cure that alot of people can get a hold of extremely fast. Its cheap and available at any flower shop or nursery...Just grab one as soon as possible...while you wait for the other medicines to get to your door..
EXTREMELY IMPORTANT: Also, if you can get a doctor to administer Vitamin C in an iv, it would be superb. Its 1 mmol/L and/or 10 grams per 12 hours. If you can force a doctor to put this into her arm, it would help out alot. Doctors wont do this because this is a known cancer cure......

Answer 7

Please let her be comfortable with herself and her decisions. A very close person died one month after being diagnosed - she knew she was terminal, but none of us would listen and insisted she be on chemo etc. Should have just let her be comfortable and not sick to the very end. Accept and listen to her.

Answer 8

You just have to be strong for her. This is the time she needs to be comforted also-it won't help if you show weakness. I'm sure she doesn't want to see that.

Answer 9

Here's site with good info on Leukemia, so that you can read about what's really going on with your friend.
http://www.leukemia-lymphoma.org/hm_lls
Best wishes

Answer 10

Don't give up on faith and pray for your friend. I'm hoping your a christian cuase that's the only solution I see. As for me I will keep her in my prayers and please keep me updated.