i'm experiencing some jealousy and need to deal with my feelings and figure out what it means if anything. my girlfriend (dating 8 months & in love) is very close to her ex-boyfriend as i've always known. i've met him and he's very nice. wasn't feeling jealous until she told me that she still snuggles with him. she says it's a unique relationship and that they're just very close, best friends etc... when she could tell it seemed painful for me she said she would refrain from the snuggling aspect, yet she has also expressed she would want to keep doing it as it’s important to her relationship with him and she sees nothing wrong with expressing affection for a close friend.
in any case, last time they got together i found myself feeling jealous simply knowing they have long dinner then back to his place for movie nights. she maintains that they have no sexual feelings for each other whatsoever. in fact they didn't have much while they were together, which is one reason they split.
2007-03-03 20:40:10 · 21 answers · asked by earthling 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
they're just very close friends. i see him every so often as they have the same circle of friends which get together often - all very nice and fun. they seem affectionate in a very playful, innocent yet somewhat touchy way.
anyway, today when she said she was having dinner with him tonight, I asked if she'd be home late and when she said yes my face clearly showed my emotions. she reiterated no snuggling, but i'm reluctant to tell her to stop doing whatever she naturally does (turns out she’s not actually sure she’s ready to give it up anyway – her stopping was meant as temporary until i’ve dealt with my feelings about it. she says it will take some getting used to). anyway, even without the snuggling in there -- somehow i'm still jealous. i don't want to be a possessive weirdo, and all of a sudden feel quite "teenagerly". they also live very closeby each other which also makes me a bit jealous at this point. or a schmuck. sheesh…
2007-03-03 20:41:47 · update #1
what about looking at it from a standpoint of compersion? any thoughts?
2007-03-05 19:33:50 · update #2
I think she needs to chose- you or him!
Is it really over between them, or are they still trying to get it on?
It asking too much of you to not mind!
OK, be friends, but to get all snuggly? Oh, come on!
She's got her cake & eating it too!
2007-03-03 20:45:23 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
I actually think the close male/female friend does not work too well when there is also a long term relationship going on. I have a close male friend who I would have kissed and hugged and snuggled up to when we were together. I used to feel very safe with him, and although we did once give it a try, it was never a sexual thing. Yet when he met his wife-to-be, although she did her best to understand the closeness we had, it became very uncomfortable when we were all together; like everyone being on their best beahviour; in the end, although we never openly discussed it, we gradually withdrew from each other. We are still friends, but it's different now.
I think you need to address this as a couple - I don't think it's appropriate for her to have an ex hanging around in this way. And what's in it for him? Less of the long dinners and movie nights would be a start - that's your territory!
If it's a unique realtionship, fine, it will stay unique and if it's THAT strong, it can stand a little constraint. I don't think she's being fair to you, knowing how you feel and continuing to meet him in this intimate way. The physical and emotional intimacy you describe should be for you. I don't wonder you are feeling a bit jealous. I think maybe she should know that it's hurting you; and see how she reacts.
2007-03-04 05:49:20 · answer #2 · answered by marie m 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can understand having a relationship with an ex but this is extreme. She should be able to have a close friendship with him without all the touchy feeling. She has you for that now. I also think the standing movie and dinner nights are a bit too much. I could see her wanting to hang out in a group like setting with him but that is.... dating. I mean when you're dating someone it's not just about the touching. It's about the private relationship you have. The things you share. Many times when a person cheats it's not just the sex that hurts. It's the time and effort the person gives away. So in a very similar way she is cheating on you. She is having a personal maybe not sexual but intimate relationship with her ex. She is giving him the same attention she's giving to you. So what if she's not screwing him. She's screwing you over.
2007-03-04 05:01:16 · answer #3 · answered by quel772o 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know this seems harsh but she is in love with the other guy. If she truly loved u she wouldnt need to snuggle anyone else. This is very strange. Why dont u get invitied to these movie nights?
Maybe u should get a mate who happens to be a girl and see how she likes the fact that u snuggle up to someone else when she isnt there.
I think u should tell her straight that the snuggling has to stop but that they can still see each other and if she doesnt agree then u should find someone who will treat u the way u deserve and give u every affection that they have.
2007-03-04 05:46:52 · answer #4 · answered by stacey f 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have a few close mates that are guys and we do all the snugly and nights out but only when we are all single as soon as one of us finds a partner we stop the snuggling, we continue with the nights out and take our new partners out with us!
It is possible to just be mates BUT if you love someone and you can see something makes them feel uncomfortable then you stop pleasing yourself and give a little thought to the other person.
I think this girl is rather selfish and loves the fact the you feel insecure because it makes her feel important so where's the love???
Dump her nicely and see if she will do the same with you if she gets a new partner?.........I think not!
You sound like a real sweetie go find yourself someone who makes you feel NO.1 that's what you deserve I wish you luck n love.
2007-03-04 13:05:15 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are a schmuck. If she loved you at all and knew this sort of relationship (WITH HER EX!!!) was hurting you then she would create some distance between him as her supposedly BEST FRIEND would understand.
I'm sorry to sound so negative but it seems they are not over each other. Thats not to say they have sex - but she is having an affair of the heart.
You need to tell her exaclty how you are feeling - if she continues to be like this with her ex/bestfriend/whatever its only a matter of time before they go out for dinner, have a few too many drinks, curl up, watch a movie, and his hands start a wanderin!
2007-03-04 04:57:16 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Hi!
You're a bit of both - but who can blame you?? You're in love and at times love is TOTALLY blind!
My goodness, you have shown great patience and restraint with this girl and her ex.
IMHO you are far too good for this girl.
Talk about having her cake and eat it - you're taking her to the cake shop and telling her to take her pick!!
How do you think she would feel if the boot was on the other foot? I bet she wouldn't like it one bit!
She has certainly lost her sensitivity chip don't you think?
You say you found yourself feeling jealous by simply knowing they have a long dinner and then back to his place for movie nights?? Geez, this girl is WELL pulling the wool over your eyes!!
Unique relationship?? MY goodness you're not kidding THERE!!
This ex must be p**ing himself, knowing that she'll leave you at the drop of a hat and go to him for one of their little intimate 'movie' nights!
I'm afraid you need to put your foot down here, and if she's not willing to concede to your request that she stops seeing this ex boyfriend, then she obviously thinks more of him that she does of you!
At least by giving her this ultimatum, you will know where you stand, and you can go out there and find yourself a girl who will only have eyes for you.
It is really gonna be hard, I know, but you have your self esteem to think of here and you need to be true to yourself before anybody else, and I think you know what I mean by that.
I don't know if this helps, but my heart goes out to you, and I wish you the very best.
2007-03-04 04:57:34 · answer #7 · answered by Moofie's Mom 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
OH MY GOOD GOD!!! a possessive weirdo?? I cant believe how unbelievably mean and INCONSIDERATE this B*tch is of your feelings!!! I would drop her in an INSTANT!!!! My God, this makes me so so very mad, I feel bad you have been unable to tell her she is way out of line and she can not have a relationship thinking she can walk all over you and still carry on this crap with the ex. You are much better off alone. She's unbelievably selfish. Please, you seem like a sweet guy, but it's time to grow a spine and look for a woman who can treat you well.
Take care.
2007-03-04 04:50:25 · answer #8 · answered by gaga_chick 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
The fact that she is upfront, honest & open about her friendship, should tell you that there is nothing untoward going on with her ex bf. You haven't said how old you both are but I guess your maybe in your 20's. The best thing for you to do is be happy & & remember what you said (dating 8 months & IN LOVE) that says it all. Unwarrented jealousy can destroy a relationship in an instant so stop bein a shmuck
2007-03-04 04:49:48 · answer #9 · answered by Denise W 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Go out yourself to a club with a sidekick, hit on every woman that show interest and when you show up at noon the next day, just explain that it was a innocent night out with you crashing on the couch.
Sorry bud, the bottom line is she feels nothing for your feelings. She may just think its innocent and friends but its not and she does not care if she is jeopardizing your relationship.
2007-03-04 04:50:10 · answer #10 · answered by Cdn_Superdave 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
sounds like they're good for eachother. Save yourself the heartache later. She's clearly not ready to let go of him and you can't make her. She's not ready to be in another relationship and it's unfair for you to have to put up with it. Everyone deserves someone who can give them their all if you're giving them your all. This is baggage you neither need or deserve. Also, this is not salvagable. Not for years and not for you two. Find someone who'll make you happy. Do not buy into her BS. If she loved you, she couldn't possibly expect you to put up with this. Furthermore, it wouldn't matter if she would put up with this or not, YOU shouldn't have to. Hope this helps but I know love can make you an idiot. That's why you have to be careful who you love. You may not always be able to choose who you fall for but you can choose which relationships you want to nurture and invest in. If you invest anymore of your time in this one, you'll kick yourself in the butt for it later....but it won't do you any good.
2007-03-04 04:53:08 · answer #11 · answered by Dr. Joe 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋