Why is my daughter so difficult?

Question

She refuses to do anything I ask for and cries and has tantrums. I have been a loving, caring, affectionate mother, and always set up fun activities for them to do - even if it means cleaning paint off everything. I want my kids to have fun. Yet when I am stern about cleaning up or going to bed she goes crazy. She is nearly 7 years old. Also, she wets her pants - not a lot but enough to have change her pants 2 or 3 times a day.

Answer 1

Hi There,

Do ignore the idiots on this site but do take up the suggestions you feel are helpful to you and your daughter.

I have had five kids including some pretty heavy duty special needs kids with behaviour problems....

The most important things about altering your kids behaviour is to understand that you can not control your child...... the aim of changing their behaviour is not for you to control your child..... The aim of working on their behaviour must be to teach them to manage and control their own behaviour.....

This like all other kinds of parenting is easier said than done... but can be done even with the most difficult children..

Follow this plan and see where it takes you and your daughter...

1) get a doctor to run some tests to ensure your daughter's bladder and urinary tract is healthy. Follow your doctor's advice to resolve the issue of wetting her pants.

2) choose the most difficult behaviour first and work on that.... ignore all other bad behaiovur and focus solely on the one kind fo bad behaviour you want your daughter to learn to manage...

3) once you know what you and your daughter are working on you let her know that you know she can learn to adjust and manage this one behaviour... reassure her that you love her and you believe she can learn to behave in a better way...

4) every chance you get reward her with kind words about being successful... even if only successful at the last possible moment... or in a small way...

5) when your daughters behaviour is out of control she must go into 'time out' this is one minute for each year of her life..... she is seven so she must successfully sit still and quietly for seven minutes..... (an eternity for a seven year old)....

6) time out time starts only after she sits still and quiet..

7) if she refuses to sit you need to repeatedly lead her back to the time out chair and reseat her there and remind her that she can sit still for seven minutes and that you know she can be succesful.... (I remember having to repeat this process many many many times for my five year old to make it through his first five minutes....and I am sure the reassurances that he can do this were as much for my benefit as for his...LOL)

8) When she succeeds in sitting still and quiet reward her lavishly by saying positive things about her behaviour and her ability to manage herself.... such things as "Wow! You did it! You succeeded in managing your own behaviour for seven minutes!" and "That is very good self control." and "You are very good at sitting still.... It helps if you say along the way..... "You've been sitting still for two minutes.. that mean only five to go.." and then You have been sitting still for four minutes... way to go.. You only have three more minutes on the chair... etc...

9) do not make generalised statements of praise or punishments such as "you are a good girl" or "you are a bad girl" these kind of unspecified statements do not help her to understand what behaviour is being praised...or puniched.. instead make very specific praise... and praise each of your children right through the day... (YUP it gets tiring and you start to feel like an automaton looking for good behaviours all day but it does make a difference and has the added benefit of shifting your focus to the good things your kids do...)
Some positive types of praise you might look for throughout the day are:
"You put your breakfast bowl in the sink. You are a good helper in the house"
"I noticed you let _______ have some of the toys. That was very good sharing."
"You haven't pushed or hurt anyone this morning. That is very good control."
"Thank you for helping to put the toys away. That is great. Now I have time for a snuggle!"
"You went to bed when I asked you to. That was very grown up of you."
"Oh you helped ____ when he fell over.. That is very good caring"

When your daughter manages her behaviour about one thing well for several days add one more behaviour to the list.... then when she has some consistent success with that one then add another...

This is a slow programme that will take determination from you and your daughter to help her change her behaviour....

You can do this.... you can help her gain control....

Answer 2

I have no idea about the wetting her pants problem. Could be from sexual abuse, could be a small bladder.
I thought kids around age 6 still didn't object to doing chores--it's when you start later that you have the problems.
Whatever the problem is, if there is some kind of abuse or whatever, please remember to do this. That is to get her around horses. Let her muck out stalls, groom horses, I know she is young, this can start when she is 8 or 9.
One of my kids was in mourning because she had a lot of love to give and there were too many other children in the family and she got overlooked. She acted out terribly at age 9, stealing money and using it to buy candy for the kids at school, to get popular. My husband got her started with riding lessons. She spent time after the lesson helping around the stables.
It was the making of this child.
She is a young adult today and the most wonderful person.
Had she not gotten around horses, I'll bet she would be a very unhappy drug addict, embarrassing her entire family and just being deeply and fundamentally unhappy.
Could you get her around horses? Tell her she has to pay for riding lessons by taking care of the horses? There is something about big animals and making kids responsible and more loving. Try that route in addition to the other ideas people are giving you. Gotta tell you, it is really strange that she is acting the way she is. It's not typical of a 6 year old growing up with affectionate parents. Something isn't right. But as I said, whatever else you do, don't forget the horseback riding and the mucking out of stalls and just being around horses. My 9 year old spent entire weekends during the year and all day every day in the summers at the stables from sunup to sundown--for 4 years. that is what it took.

Answer 3

She blows up for a reason,rational or not.She may be struggling to be her own person.Has she started her period.If so mark it on a calender and see if she is moody with her cycle. She needs to be in the Right school with professional teacher's and resources.Find one.We pay taxes for our public schools and there are pretty good teacher's out there that are very good at working with students with special needs.Is she bright or struggling with her grades? She also needs to socialize and homeschooling may keep her isolated,not good for her.Taking her out of a school and homeschooling her may protect her from the world but she has to live in the real world sooner or later.Sometime other kids will understand her better than adults and she can vent to her friends.Kids sometimes are the best therapy.She can control her anger she has to have someone teach her how.She should be evaluated by a psychologist and have a complete medical work-up to factor out any organic problems.(drugs,brain tumor,heavy metals,food allergies)etc.)Just because you have Bipolar does not mean she has but it may be a possibility . You know the what having Bipolar is ask her and see if she is feeling similar to the way you feel. As far as she will never make it is nonsense,hope she hasn't heard that from her family that could defeat her and make her mad as well. She will make it with your help,maybe not the way you want or expect but she will make it.Listen to her even in her anger,what's beneath all that rage..A few years ago I read about a study that teens don't have the ability to rationalize things and develop it later (by their 20's) thats why the goofy things and bad decisions they make.With imformation on what you are facing as a parent with a teen or pre-teen you will be able to at least cope.When she is calm talk to her and listen and don't tell her how bad she is or how she should feel.Just listen.She is not having a good time either.

Answer 4

Ignore the "person" who put down the SICK comment that made me feel sick, he has been reported.

My daughter is very similar (except for the wetting) and is very "difficult" as well. I have read "raising a spirited child" and it is helpful. I have also attended parenting classes to try and diffuse some of the difficulties. I also find that if my daughter doesnt have 3 balanced meals and 2 good snacks, she is out of control. Also she has trouble sleeping which doesn't help. All we can do is love them, and try and be patient. Good luck

Answer 5

She has to be punished for unacceptable behavior. Give her Time out, and stand by your time out punishment. Also she should not be allowed to do her favorite things, fun time for example until she complies with the rules.

If all else fails - a firm swat to the buttocks is whats needed. This does not make you a bad parent and our nations greatest leaders had spankings and were not the worst for it, but better. A child has to learn early in life that they can not just have their way, and that society does not tolerate bad behavior.

If you don't start handling your child now, how will you ever cope with her when she hits her teens? There are NO perfect parents and there are no perfect children (no matter what so called professionals say). There are good parents and there are good children. Good parents teach their kids to behave, and good children are learn how to behave.

Answer 6

That's tough. I think changing 2 or 3 times a day for a seven year old is pretty strange. Have you sat down and really talked about her behavior? Do you have "house rules"? (No tantrums, etc) Maybe set up a chart for behavior with rewards and benefits.

You might also discuss with your doctor.

You sound very loving-but obviously need to get things under control. Is she in school? Does she act like this there?

Good luck! I watch a lot of "Super Nanny" in preparation for these times. I have a one year old.

Answer 7

You sound like a good mother
My nephews went through the same thing
but they are over it now

Staying patient is important and consistent
time-outs work really well
but you might talk to her maybe something is going on

make sure she knows you love her and that you are there for her if is needs you

Answer 8

you have to be tough you know when i was a kid i grew up in Chicago and it was not pretty if an adult tells you to do something you do it i had the same problem with my kid (not as bad). but know i live in a good area and my kid never experienced a tough life.As for you. have to be strict tell her who's boss take her barbie dolls or anything she plays with if shes misbehaving. and get that priceless bond with your daughter shes only young for 2 more years. be strong shes old enough to know her actions good luck

Answer 9

this is what you should do ( be hard on your kid when she refuses to to anything and about the problem she has about that she wets her pats then you should take her to a DR.

i hope u the best but u have to be hard even if it hurts you.. i don't have kids but i have brothers and i'm the oldes (19) but for my little brother who is only 5 when he refuses to do something i always take something away from him or tell him that i am not happy with how his acting but with a verry mad cerious face and he knows that i am the oldest and that he should respect everything i say and he goes and does what i was telling him to do.. and he also comes to me and say his sorry about what he did and i just give him a big hug and tell him i loved him and
and i also tell them that God is always watching us at everytime and that he is not happy when we are been bad or when little kids act bad and that also lets them know that if they act good they are making God verry happy

Answer 10

Look Lady i wish i could say that it would get easyer but this is just a cake walk wate tell she hits 13 then from then on it will be a rollar coaster my suggestion is to use monipulation tactics trust me monipulation can get pretty far