im need to laugh, does any one have a good joke?

Question

any type of joke doesnt matter what its about.

ex:Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat *** out of the way.
whats that wrinkly thing on your grandpa?>>>>>>> YOUR GRANDPA

Answer 1

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It´s too hot. It´s too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

"Good luck will be followin´ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"t he guide said. "Unfortunately, it´s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can´t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can´t kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you´ll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you´ve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma´am," the frustrated guide said, "but I´ve sat on it."
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Go to the football field and get thee candles. There will be a cat waiting for you. She's your dentist and she's going to kill you. Then she had to go to the wedding for his funeral. Then she went to the funeral because she had to use the bathroom. After she was done she went to Sonic to get 5,000 buffalo wings because she had to go to the bathroom to poo. She got the Sonic mageger and threw him into a dumpster full of doggy poop. She went to her home and she saw someone in the mirrow and killed it. Then she got her glasses and ate it and lived happily ever after.
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Yo momma so smelly
that her poo is glad to escape
that standing next to a skunk, the Skunko smells sweet!
that her house is so dirty I gotta wipe my feet before I go back outside.

Yo momma is so old
when she was at school...there was No history class!
she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade
I told yo big sister to act her own age...and she died.
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!”

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach piped up, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
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You are driving along on a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old person who is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the elderly person, because she is going to die, and thus you should maximize her limited time; or you could take the old friend because he/she once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him/her back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with her answer. Think before you continue reading.







She simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the old lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the man of my dreams."
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Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The young lady leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
<><><><><><><><><><>< "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The young lady leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
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If you going to pick me as the best answer, please leave a comment.

Answer 2

Did you hear the one about the blond coyote that got stuck in a trap? She chewed off 3 of her legs and was still stuck!
A blond, brunette, and a red head rob a grocery store. The cops come and chased the 3 into the back. The 3 then hide in 3 sacks. A cop follows and sees the sacks. He kicks one and the red head makes a high-pitched meow. So the cop thinks a cat's in the bag. He then goes to another sack and kicks it. The brunette makes a low- pitched woof. So the cop thinks there's a dog in the bag. He then goes to the last bag and kicks it. The Blond yells out "Potato!"

Answer 3

old joke but,

An Asian guy
walked into the New york city
Exchange With 2000 yen
and exchanged it for $74 Dollars
The next week he done the
same thing with the same amount
but this time he only got
$68Dollars ,He asked the lady behind
the counter why this week he got $68
but the week before got $74 for 2000yen
the lady replied "Fluctuations"
The asian guy stormed out
and before slamming the door
behind him,he turned round and yelled "and fluc you Amelicans too"

Answer 4

A Girl loved to have Sex every day but did not want to get pregnant. Went to her Doctor and asked for some medicine.

The Doc gave her a bottle of pills and told her to pop one every night before going to bed. Next day the girl went back to her doctor and said "It doesn't work. It keeps falling down".

Answer 5

Okay How did the man cross the freeway. Take the f out of free and the f out of way. answer below




There is no f in way like there's no f***ing way.

Answer 6

There once was a house was full on ants. Then 1 of the family member looked online to see what can help them. Later the girl said I found it. Then the dad was like " oh I know, you blow up the house on fire and then the ants will die."

Answer 7

Your mama's so fat that when she sat on the bed the bed said 123,abc get your fat a** off of me.

Answer 8

well here's a few:
A doctor and a handsom man both liked this one pretty modle girl. turn out the pretty modle likes the doc. but she soon started to get closer to the handsome man. then the handsome man had to go away for 7 days. The man gave the modle 7 apples. why did the man give the modle 7 apples? ***** because a appel a day keep the doctor away!
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a 6 ft. man had a capless water bottle in his hand. he dropped the water bottle without a drop of water coming out. how is this possible?********* the water bottle was empty!
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a babysitter was baby sitting 10 kids. there was 10 cookies in the jar. she gave away 10 cookies but there was still one in the jar. how is this possible. ********* she gave the jar with a cookie in it to the last child
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Answer 9

What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?
Dam

Answer 10

yo mama's so fat she fell in the sea and the whales sang ' we are family' xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx