What do you do when nothing you ever do is right?

Question

My husband makes comments all the time about thats not the right way or thats just stupid WRONG and alot of other things he says makes me fell worthless and stupid . I try all the time to do things to make him happy but it is never enough. He talks to the kids the same way just not as much as he does to me . I dont like it and i have told him how it makes me feel but nothing changes. What can I say or do to make him understand how i feel?

He hasnt always been like this he just recently quit smoking cpold turkey and he al so has a military background But he was not like this when i married him he is 41 could he be going through mid life crisis?

Answer 1

I'm sorry you're being treated this way. Your HUSBAND is the one with the problem, NOT you. He more than likely has ocd(perfectionism)....trust me I've experienced it. He probably goes into rages also when things are not done HIS WAY. I think you leaving with the kids for a bit and telling him he needs to change before you return would help him open his eyes. I know it's harsh, but you nor anyone else is perfect or ever will be. This behavior is also bad for the kids. Think about it...if YOU'RE feeling "worthless and stupid" imagine how they're feeling as they're in the most important years of their lives. I wish you the best.

Answer 2

Conversation...communications...counseling for yourself or for the two of you (marriage counseling) to bring out awareness and skills to work through this.

My ex-husband would speak to me the way your husband does to you...After a while I began standing my ground and saying back to him comments such as :

That's a hurtful thing to say.
Your " jokes " about me are cruel.
That's not o.k. with me (in reply to a rude comment he'd make)
You may not agree with me...but, that doesn't make what I said to be stupid.

His replies were . . .
You're being over sensitive...You don't have a sense of humor...You must be P.M.S.ing...Well then tell me what I should be saying . . .

We did share conversations, counseling...He still didn't stop. I heard the phrase " People are only going to treat you the way you let them treat you ".

I was married 23 yrs...I found my inner strength and re-found my self value. I've been peacefully divorced 4 yrs. now. Divorced him for that and other neglect.
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For you . . . Stand in your power...find your own ' voice '...go to counseling...Hopefully there will be enlightenment and you two can relate in a healthier way together...If not...you have some choices to make...stay or leave.

P.S. I just read "Justforlu" reply to you...I was told the same thing...I tried that for several days...I came to the conclusion of " why should I bow down to a bully and make all right for him when he has little thought about making anything right for me". To "Justforfu" . . . How does a person express a ' rasberry ' here ?

Answer 3

I agree completely with all the advice you're getting to the effect of "If he doesn't change his behavior, end the marriage, despite the great cost of doing so."

That said, it sounds like he hit 40, realized most of his dreams in life won't come true, and is taking it hard. What's more, surely your sex life isn't nearly as good as it used to be, his athletic recreations aren't going as well as they used to, etc., etc.

You have to stand up to him and tell him the behavior is unacceptable.

If there are any signs of physical abuse -- even threats -- get out IMMEDIATELY. That can escalate fast; your time window for remaining safe may not be long once the signs emerge.

All that said -- it's likely that your marriage will only survive if you succeed on a parallel track, namely talking to him about what might make him happier. He wants to make his life better right now by subtracting minor annoyances from it, but that can't be enough. It also is necessary to add pleasures (minor or major), or to subtract MAJOR annoyances (for example, via a career change).

Maybe you'll succeed and maybe you won't, but that's what you need to try to know that you did your best for him and your family.

And if it doesn't succeed, you'll need to end the marriage.

Unfortunately, I recommend that you start another thread to the effect "If I fear I'll need to end your marriage soon because my spouse has become emotionally abusive, what early steps should I be taking to protect myself for later on?"

Best of luck to you, your kids, and your husband.

Answer 4

Do things that you feel are right and you will feel better. Teach your children the difference between right and wrong so that they have a good grasp of what is really good for them.

It is right for you to teach the kids to be respectful to dad even when he is mean or wrong. This life is filled with mean, unfair authority figures and open rebellion isn't going to help them adjust. Quiet disagreement can lead to changes whereas open rebellion can cause open fights, which are rarely productive.

Do positve affirmations for yourself. It could help. Search the term on the net, and you should find a lot of material on that.

Peace

Answer 5

If you're unhappy with your marriage, tell him. There is no reason why he should be treating you like that. A wife is there for support and men are supposed to treat their wives gently; with care. Tell him this, tell him that he is not doing his job as a husband. Trust me, you're probably not doing anything wrong, it's most likely just the way he is. My dad is like that with my mom and it makes her feel the same way. It makes her feel stupid and she becomes clumsier cause she gets nervous when he asks her to do something. Don't let that keep going. Value yourself and tell him that things need to change or else you're gone.

Answer 6

I do what makes me happy. Please just accept me for who I am... even with all the things that YOU find flaws. Instead of complaining.... laugh about the worthless and stupid things.. because they are just that. And I will do my best to keep life enjoyable for everybody... even if it wasnt exacly the way you think. Beacuase not everybody thinks or feels the same and thats just the bottom line. Say somethin like that?

Answer 7

Dear Tina are you doing everything he likes if you, do and he still like this i think you should keep eye on him if he is not interesting in you. He just want to avoid you. And put you down all the time ask me it happened to me too.The best thing is to do the same thing what he's doing to you. Person only understands when they go through the same thing. I did same thing to my husband and he changed now he understands me, what's it like to hurt his wife's feeling. Try it maybe there is chance for him to change.

Answer 8

Your husband is picking on you because of his own insecurities. he figures if he constantly says you do everything wrong, then he will look much better to you in your eyes. Start sticking up for yourself. tell him the next time he says it "I am sorry you feel the need to pick on me because of your own insecurities, but if it makes you feel better go ahead, but I know that I am a smart woman, and for now on I am going to ignore your insults", then laugh at him, once you start laughing and making HIM feel like a fool, oh trust me, he will stop. Be strong and never let anyone make you feel worthless...... and good luck.

Answer 9

This is verbal abuse, and hes not going to change unless he gets some kind of professional help. Sit down with him, when he is calm, and explain to him that he is making you feel really bad, and that its not good for him to be doing this to the kids, because eventually they will either start doing it themselves, or grow up depressed and feeling worthless. Good luck to you!

Answer 10

This may be a silly question, luv...but why would you marry an inconsiderate piece of sh*t like that in the first place?
Hope it gets better...nobody should have to put up with that kinda treatment.
You'll be in our thoughts and prayers...