While going through my battle with cancer, chemo, etc. my brother, who I feel closest to in my family, didn't?

Question

come to see me. He called weekly & was genuinely concerned without a doubt but never offered to come visit. He is semi-retired, lives about 50 miles away & had the time but during that time, took 2 trips to AZ & one to Mex. Do I approach the subject with him? He's somewhat self-absorbed but also thinks life should be one big party & maybe didn't want to have what I was going through right there in his face. I don't want this to continue to be something that I feel badly about so don't know the best way to overcome it.

Correction, that's 500 miles, not 50. Missed a 0.

I also meant to add that I am single, no kids. I have a large family, extended family & friends & had great support so hate to appear ungrateful for those that were here to support me in person.

Answer 1

Many people have deep difficulties dealing with life-threatening illnesses in loved ones. While I am not making an excuse for your brother, he probable never got past the denial stage of mourning. When my wife had breast cancer, her "best friend" for years, abandoned her. My point is that you are not alone in experiencing this phenomenon. It is fairly common unfortunately.

The good news is I bet you found out you had more friends and people who cared about you than you thought. At least that was our experience.

Answer 2

Wow, that is terrible. I would be upset too. Some people don't want anyone bursting their bubble. They don't want anyone rocking the boat they're on.

I don't care it's not enough to say that they couldn't deal with it...he is your BROTHER. I've had difficulty too knowing what to say to people but that is no excuse. Sure there are people who are private and deal with these things differently but hey, you are obviously in pain over this and you've gone through enough and should unburden yourself to him and at least find out the truth behind his reasons.

My son had cancer and frankly, my feelings for those friends of ours who didn't say a word has forever been changed, but we were greeted with many surprises from people we never would have expected support from, and total strangers too.

I would certainly tell him, or write him a letter where you can take the time to put your thoughts and emotions down clearly. Tell him how disappointed you are, and how of everyone on this planet, you thought that he would be the one to come running to your side and hold your hand. Make him feel like a heel because he is.

Life is full of "awakenings" as I like to call them. Frankly, you should not keep your feelings to yourself. He doesn't deserve to get off that easy. You know you would not have abandoned him the way he did you. There is still time for him to make amends to you and I hope he does.

Sure hope you recovered and are in remission. Best to you.

Answer 3

Perhaps he loves you too much and did not know how to express his fear that he might lose you. He may be keeping all the fear he has internalized. I really think that you should contact him and talk to him about your cancer. If it is possible maybe you could go visit him. I think it is difficult when a loved one is so far away that you cannot see them on a daily basis when they are ill.
But, truly, I am more concerned about how you feel in this situation and the fact that it is bothering you so much. You need to be honest with him, even if he trys to turn away again, you need to tell him exactly how you feel so that the truth is out there.

I don't know how close you are to your brother but call and tell him that you would like to see him so that you can talk. You need to air this concern.

When my son was diagnosed with cancer the first thing my oldest brother did was call to see if I wanted him to come home. He lives across the country. I told him no because I felt that he had already dealt with enough turmoil in his life . .his beautiful wife had just died from breast cancer. We do not communicate all that much, but I know he loves us and would be here in a minute if he thought he could make a difference in what we are going through. Frankly, my brother was my inspiration in how to handle this horrific situation. He taught me how to be strong.

Take care . . and call your brother as soon as possible. ;-)

Answer 4

I had breast cancer, my husband and I got thru it together. I have other friends, neighbors and family but I truly did not want them to see me sick. Many many many people hate hospitals and esp the word : cancer. I would rather you entertain the notion that he didn't come so you could do what you had to without entertaining him. Also I don't know anyone that doesn't hate the news of a family memeber being diagnosed with cancer. It's human nature to wonder : am i next? Forgive him and never bring it up unless he does. My brother appears self absorbed but he fumbles at anything with the words love or feelings.

Answer 5

Its hard to say, some people have a real hard time dealing with the thought of cancer, it sounds like you should bring it up if it is something you are questioning.. but bring it up without being confrontational. He is the only one who can tell you, and if you have beat it (congratulations by the way!) then it may be easier for him to talk about it. Be ready to cry, be ready for him to cry, but lay it out there and find out.... its the only way you will ever find out. He may have been just selfish and self absorbed and not thought about it, but if you two are close, chances are he thought he was doing the right thing. Good luck, and congratulations again!

Answer 6

on occasion, that's that scientific care won't postpone a canine's existence. we've all heard thoughts of an proprietor treating a sixteen-twelve months-previous canine with maximum cancers with radiation scientific care, and we've thought, "i could never do this." yet letting bypass may be fairly puzzling while it is composed of your man or woman canine. Be elementary which comprise your veterinarian, and look at what's suitable for a loving puppy who has been a committed and longtime substantial different. each and every each and every now and then euthanasia may be the main humane decision, and the superb act of admire for a loved canine.

Answer 7

Hi COblonde- we keep answering each other's questions! I am guessing that he couldn't emotionally deal with you having cancer. Some people are just so terrified by it. The people who were most supportive to me on a regular basis were my "newer friends"- and although my sister and I spoke regularly- she never visited during my treatment. I actually said something to her about that several years later, and she said that I had seemed to be doing so well, she didn't think I needed help. Maybe your brother thought that, too. Hope you are doing well, now!

Answer 8

well it wasnt right for him not to visit but there are some people that cant handle looking at someone with cancer i know how it feels to have that type of person in the family see my husband has cancer and all of his family live close and they dont come and see him you really need to talk to him about this ask him why he dont come and see you i know deep down inside it would make you feel a lot better i know i would hope and pray for the best for you

Answer 9

Don't feel hurt because of your brother. He doesn't realize that he is being insensitive. If you bring it up, he'll feel some shame, but it probably won't make a difference in the long term. Change must come from the inside. Even though he's retired, he is not yet emotionally mature. When we don't know what to do, it is best to do nothing.

Answer 10

sometimes he cant bear to watch....cuz he is the closest....things like these make people dont know how to react..how often does it happen to him? First time and will be lastl time? See? Believe me, it doesnt sound like hes not concerned..you said it yourself...
But, the cure for cancer is around....these are some of the cures I dug up....
Go and take some cesium chloride with rubidium and DMSO. Also take some oxygen drops, and ip6 pills. Also, take an aloe vera plant, a fresh one from the local floral shop, and cut off their pricks. Then cut off a chunk and put it into a blender. Put some vanilla ice cream into it. This is going to be extremely bitter so just gulp it down. Do this maybe 3 times a week for about a week or two. This should take care of you and kill any remaining cancer you may have left in your body. The oxygen drops helps your body take in more oxygen and nothing more. But, its effective because cancer cannot live where there is too much oxygen. Um, it also prohibits cancer from developing. And its natural, all it is is a liquid that allows your body to take in more oxygen. the cesium chloride changes your ph level in your body so that cancer cannot live. Its like taking a freshwater fish and putting it into a salt water body of water. The fish will eventually die. This is what the cesium chloride does to cancer. The rubidium in the cesium chloride helps your body take in the cesium chloride. The ip6 pills take iron out of your body. It binds with the iron. Iron is the building blocks of cancer. So, without it, it cannot multiply. It will multiply until it runs out of iron. And without iron, it will have to die because it needs it to live, thrive, and multiply. And cancer multiplies alot faster then your normal body cells. So, you can do without iron for a while. But, this ip6 does something even more extraordinary. It takes iron out of the cancer cells and not from your body. But, this leads to the next situation. You need to limit your iron intake. Like beef, red beets, broccoli, etc etc. You must eat brown rice. Ip6 is just an extract from this brown rice. It binds with iron but only from cancer cells. Cancer takes it from your body. So, by eating brown rice, it absorbs all the iron in your body.
PS..The aloe vera is a natural cure that alot of people can get a hold of extremely fast. Its cheap and available at any flower shop or nursery...Just grab one as soon as possible...while you wait for the other medicines to get to your door..pancreatic cancer is fast...so you have to be faster...