How do I get her to stop telling me? Or how do I deal?

Question

My Dad has a lot of mental problems...depression, alcoholism, medical problems, social problems, disabled, etc. My Mom comes to me when she is upset about how he is acting. I'm in my 30's. I'm tired of them not having their crap together. It has been going on my whole life. She has no friends and refuses to make any. She has no life other than a low paying job. It is just upsetting to be around it all the time. She is anti-social and does not make friends easily. Sometimes she will start to tell me and then stop or she will "allude" to something she is trying to tell me, leaving questions and doubts in my mind. I don't even ask any more. I'm just tired and fed up with the situation. If I tell her that I don't want to hear it any more, she will still have a way of letting me know. She is already on medication. I can't just up and move without disprupting my life and putting a financial burden on my family. I don't want to be rude. I'm all she's got.

Answer 1

There may be some dynamics involved that you will have very little control over. I understand that your mother is overloaded and concerned about your father, but, at the age of 30, it appears that you are having very little effect on either of your parents, at this time. Putting your father's issues aside for the moment, let us consider your mother. First of all, you are not "all she's got", without her consent. In other words, she has no reason to seek outside help, as long as she can come to you. With the number of agencies for assistance, mental health agencies, churches, social services, support groups, etc., of which there are many, if your mother isn't finding help, it's because she isn't looking for it. You also mentioned that your mother is anti-social and doesnt make friends easily. These are just some of the traits connected with people with needy personalities. They tend to alienate people and wear people out quickly. The seek out advice continually, yet, when given advice, never follow through. Everyone's problems, become their own. They want to share their problems with everyone, and, if their target doesn't have the time or ability to help, they accuse the target of not caring, or, trying to avoid them. They can be relentless, and, exhausting. Many times, if their target untimately refuses to continue, they will choose another target, rather than adopt a course of action that would put an end to their dilema. Without a dilemma, the needy personality has nothing to focus on. I know a young lady that has all of her major issues in life covered. Food, housing, insurance, education, child support, transportation are all fully under control. Yet, she is constantly on the phone weeping about any of the smallest details of her life. Why, because a needy personality isn't concerned with the size of the issue, the frequency of the issue or solving the issue. She will fret about events that have long been over, what will happen next, and, if you offer a solution to her dilemma, she will fret about that too. I'm not trying to suggest that your mother's concerns aren't valid. What I am trying to suggest is, that if seeking a genuine solution to her dilemma were foremost on her mind, the means to have one are out there. There are several paths you can take. Sit down with both your parents, evaluate the need, develop a plan, and, use the plan. This co-operative method is the best. If you formulate the plan together, everyone is on the same page. Everyone knows what has to be done, where and when. Schedules can be arranged, and, everyone's needs are being met. Or, you and your mother can implement a care plan for your father, together. The roughest path, is if you obtain a lawyer and sue for Power of Attorney, and get your father the care he needs, with or without their co-operation. I would suggest this action as a last resort. Otherwise, do the research regarding the needs and methods available for your father's care, developed it into an informational package, and, present it to your mother. Indicate to her, that all of the resources she requires to care for her husband are contained within that package, and she needs to start using it. Then suggest that your mother seek a good counselor, to assist her in dealing with the issues of her past and future. I believe that you should find someone as well, just to help you cope, and, to wrap up all of the loose ends.

Good luck, and God Bless!

Answer 2

Honey if you are all your Mom has got, then in a way you will want to help her, right? Instead of passively listening to her, put in in your opinions and tell her that she needs to make life altering decisions, or else you will have to make them for her.

Try to bring her to church (or make her), where she can unload all her burdens by praying, and not throwing it onto another person. She may also meet positive people who will not judge her, and make friends along the way. Medication may calm her down, but it will not erase her problems nor help her cope with them. The power of prayer is undeniable, and even more so when you are sincere in your intentions. At the same time, show your support to your Mom by praying for her and being there for her as a listening board, until she copes on her own.

Answer 3

Even though you feel like your parents need you,especially your mom, but it is not rude to get your own life. Sure you owe them in a way but I believe your parents would still want you to better yourself. Believe it or not, your mom knew what she was getting into when she got married. Marriage is an eternal bond between man and woman to be together forever for better or for worse. She has no right to take her unhappiness with your father out on you. Leaving her however may force her out on her "anti-social demeanor" and seek to release her problems and stress on someone else. Support groups are not for anti-social people because she going to complain about that group AND your father. If she has enough energy to complain, she has enough energy to do other thing as well. You can still help her with the finances but do just that. Don't be afraid to speak your mind.

Answer 4

As you have said, you're all she's got... and she is your mother, ... and what concerns here is your father..

So why don't you help both of them? Probably you can bring them to an institution or clinic where they can both get professional help suited for their medical/mental conditions.

This will help you out on the burdens brought to you, while making them get treated in the most professional way available.

This cannot be solved instantly like in a week or so. This will take a long time, maybe months, or even years. But if you love them both, be patient and help them at all costs. They are your parents, dear.

Answer 5

Hi, sorry to hear about your family situation.
My advice to you would be to get her into a support group of some kind, with people who have the same type of problems, if you have to go with her for the first couple of sessions, it may make her feel comfortable with them. Once she sees there are other people with the same problems, and how they have dealt with it, she may come to realize she isn't alone, not to mention it will get her out of the house into another environment with some positive results, and with some sort of mediation involvement, someone who is willing to help sort through her problems, and she will probably make some good friends as well, which is also a positive, eventually she will begin to feel better about herself, and be more self confident, hence fixing some of her problems herself, or with support from someone other than yourself. Right now you are her comfort zone, because she is familiar with you, and can speak freely. What she really wants is to get things off of her chest, and out into the open, this way she doesn't feel alone, and like she is the only one who knows about whats bothering her. So the first step is getting her there, then the rest will take care of itself. I wish you luck, and try and hang in there a bit longer. Kari

Answer 6

Poor girl, u r really in a bad situation. I deeply feel sorry for u....

But I wanna tell u that U R NOT ALONE... alot of mothers are kinda like urs; always complaining of dad and the way he acts.

U sound as a "good" girl who can never abandone her family or be rude or mean to them. and so I advice u to be. Try to be more patient, listen to her if she complains but don't let her words disturb ur life. I know it's difficult, but I know u can do it.

May God help ur mom & dad 2 be better, & may He help u to be good to them.

Answer 7

thats hard. honestly, i dont seem like you will get her to change so if you dont wanna be "rude" and leave a "financial burden" just deal w/it. in one ear & out the other. Personally, i'd be on the next plane outta town. i would still keep in touch and be friendly and try to help out when i could BUT you need to do whats best for you, not other people, family or not. If you do leave, that would most likely force them to get their act together once and for all. now that your grown and not stuck having to stay there if you dont wanna, i would be out asap!

Answer 8

I know how you feel .
My mom she's kinda the same way .
But you're right you are the only one she has .
And she needs to vent to someone .
She probably feels that she has to tell you because you are a part of the family .
Just be there for her and help her when she needs it .
Best of luck =]

Answer 9

They are being rude to you. You need your own life without them. They are grown and getting older just as you are. you are wasting your life by staying there. Think about yourself now. without you always being there , your parents will have to face their own problems with out you. Just as you have to face your own problems. Their problems are not yours they created their own let them handle them in their own way.

Answer 10

Make an appt for her to see a counselor you need to try to talk your dad into going and getting help for his depression, the reason people drink alcohol is to escape so if they can control his depression he will stop drinking i have been through it before i was depressed so i drank i got help and the drinking stopped so try to get him into a Psychologist..