How do I deal with the overbearing grandma to be?!?

Question

Im currently 32 weeks pregnant and everything is going well the only thing i am having trouble adjusting to is my boyfriends mom. This is her first grandchild and she is very very very excited, which i think is nice and think she is a wonderful person. However, I like to consider myself a very independent person and my relationship with my parents have always been a little but of a struggle so i have managed to deal with things on my own and not have so much involvement from outside people. My Bf's family though is the complete opposite, they are a very close family and if she had it her way her kids would never leave home!! I think they are a wonderful family and i am blessed to have them in my life but i also have my own family that is involved and great just not as "in my business" I guess my question is how do i find the balance between both family types and my own boundaries for a woman that would move into my apt if she could without hurting her feelings?!

Answer 1

Tact and diplomacy is an art. There are very polite ways of saying tough things, but I think being very clear about you boundaries is most important. tell her you need piece and quiet time to be calm again if she shouts about in your life too much, explain to her how wonderful quiet time is, so much, that she wants it too... that is true diplomacy.... if you manage, everybody is your friend, even if you say things they do not really want to hear. tell them how much they differ from your family and that you think it wonderful to have them, but that it is also a big ajustment... and you expect them to take time to get used to your ways of wanting piece and quiet too... you get the idea I think... good luck with finding de balance!

Answer 2

Oh my god, that sounds exactly like my mother in law!!! I am not pregnant yet but we plan to start trying in May or June. I have been worrying a great deal about this too. My mother in law has been this way ever since we've been together so I guess I've just learned to ignore her & deal with her the best way possible. She doesn't mean any harm by it, that's just how she is & I'm sure that is how you b/f's mother is. This will be my mother in law's first grand child too & she is already saying she is taking time off work when the baby is born. I don't like that idea at all, I just want it to be me & my husband. She was this way when we were planning our wedding too. She was trying to make things & plan things how she wanted them done until my husband reminded her that it's OUR wedding. Maybe your b/f can talk to her. Do you think he would say something to her about overstepping her boundaries?
Good luck with the new baby & congrats!

Answer 3

You need to set limits NOW before you are so tired from lack of sleep (because you're getting up all the time with the baby) that you snap and say things you don't mean, or go the opposite way and let her walk all over you to the point SHE is raising YOUR kid the way SHE wants. Start out by telling her your appreciate her help and support, and are thankful you have someone like her as a part of your baby's family. Then tell her this closeness is not something you are used to, and it might take some ADJUSTING for YOU to get used to it (saying it that way makes it sound like you don't think there is nothing wrong with what she's doing, you don't want to put her on the defensive), it might give her the hint that she needs to back off, and give you some space without taking it personal (no guarentee on the whole taking it personal thing, SOME people find a way to take EVERYTHING personally). Have a get together with both of your families so she can SEE how your family interacts, if that's possible. Make sure you let her know when she does things that make you uncomfortable (my mother in-law likes to do my laundry EVERY times she comes over, and she doesn't pay attention to the labels to see when things aren't supposed to be put in the dryer, OR the washer, things get ruined, so I either make sure ALL my laundry is done the day before she gets there, OR I make sure the only loads left are already sorted and are all things that can be put in the washer AND dryer, in addition to that, I make lists of things she CAN do when she's over (sometimes I have to invent things, like going to the grocery store for food, and while we're out we stop at two or three other stores just to keep her out of my home and away from my laundry LOL!!! Like last time she and I went to the home improvement store and spent all day looking at paint samples, which my husband HATES to do, to decide which color to paint my bedroom, I'm no where NEAR ready to paint my bedroom I have at least 20 other projects I have AHEAD of painting my room, but it kept her busy) the point is make an effort to spend time with her, but take control so that you are in a situation YOU are comfortable with. If you preferr keeping her away from your home (your personal space) offer to meet her for lunch (at a restaraunt, if your budget doesn't afford somewhere nice McDonalds is always an option, and they don't care HOW long you sit, chat and visit, a restaraunt where you are "expected" to tip isn't a good place to sit for a long time... although you could always use that to your advantage if you're LOOKING for a short visit in between errands). If she's the sort of person to stop by without calling, let her know you would prefer her to call before she came over so you could be more presentable (or get the house presentable), IF she still shows up unexpected do NOT let her in the door, tell her you are expecting other company, or tell her you were about to leave to go run errands (even if you are NOT expecting company or DON'T need to run errands). She will get the point that dropping by unannounced leaves her standing at the door, not inside. the point is you need to be firm, and be firm from the start, yes feelings may be hurt at first but she will get over them eventually, and I can guarentee she will not harbor a grudge for long (especially when it means pissing you off means LESS time with her grandchild).

Answer 4

You just told all of us what you need to tell your mom-in-law! It sounds to me like with a little communication with this much caring honesty on your part ,the two of you will be just fine,as both of you can adjust a little bit to accommodate each others ways that have been established in your past relationships.

Answer 5

Moving into your home with you is going too far, even though she means well. Tell her you're not up to that much company until the 6 week check up, at least.

Answer 6

Just wait until the baby is born. You will probably be only too happy to have someone to help you with him. Being a new mom is extremely stressful and having an experieced helpful person around is wonderful. Wait and see.

Answer 7

HAVE YOUR BOY FRIEND tell her about your family and how you feel about them. You tell her that YOU think her family is wonderfuL.

YOU tell her that you respect her and that you will ask her for help and advice when you need it.

If you tell her to butt out, you will alienate her for life. Don't do that.