what can you do if you 'fear' your becoming or turning into a person you never wanted to be or hoped youd

Question

never be? im 29, ive just been recentley diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. and ive been through a hell of alot of pain in my life..and i feel really tainted and damaged by it..irripairely. i feel im becoming, hardened, bitter, intense, all the things ive been frightened of becoming..im turning into a serious, intense, lonely hardened person, who doesnt enjoy life or his existance anymore..my life has been serious, intense and severe for so long now, since 16, im starting to resent and feel angry to other people who are happy, and whove not been through what ive been through..i feel angry and enraged at other peoples giggles, smiles, laughs. i remember, my past vividly, bulllying throughout secondary school, victimised by gangs of youths in the street years ago, i remember well how people have made me feel about myself in my life. and to top it all off, im still suffering now, still struggling through this disorder to try and get the life i want. with no end in sight

Answer 1

I feel you,I also have borderline personality disorder.Everyday I wake up wondering why am I still here in pain and life is so unfair I just can't stand it.I see no purpose in life for me or anyone.I'm not sure what your question is here but I would like to just let you know that you are not the only one who goes through those feelings.I hate life itself and I wish I was never born most days but there are days were I am so happy that I am around to have seen them.It's very unsettling to feel the way that I do and if I could find a way to stop all the pain and heartache I would so take it no matter what the cost.I do hope you find some comfort in my words.

Answer 2

Hi there,

I suffer from Depression/eating disorder and I understand what you mean. Growing up you think..that won't happen to me.. I will turn out "normal" and then all of a sudden one day you turn around and realise that your not and that you have got to a place that you don't know what road really took you there and if you did, how could you not have stopped it.
FIrstly remember that you didn't get there by yourself..this is not your fault, you have had a lot to deal with in this life and it can majorly be the fault of bad influences and experiences which you had no control over that have lead to your "disorder". No one out there would have found what you went through easy and even fewer would have had a chance of coming out of it with no scratches or mental scars.
The fact you have realised you are turning into something more than you don't like can be seen as a positive thing...you can work towards helping resolve these feelings or fighting against them to become the person you want to be. I know that's much easier said than done but looking at it positively is the only way you can do it pet. You dont have to do it alone, go to your gp, a counsellor, a close friend or family member..or try ring or emailing the smaritains for extra support, which you truely deserve.
I think a problem that gets so many people, including myself down is that, we see "no end"..just as you said. Don't look for the end but hope that tomorrow will be better than today and take each day at a time..that too can seem impossible but try. When you look at other people's happiness from now on, give a go at not begrudging the their happiness but seeing it as your goal..to each day smile a bit more and become that person that you want to be...infact who you really are but is just buried under a lot of emotional rubble right now.

Remember your a good personan and people want to help you, your doing well, keep fighting for you!:) x

Answer 3

I hate the whole 'there are people out there worse off than you theory' because it discredits those of us who went/go through hell, but it's true.

Besides that though, getting diagnosed bpd and/or turning 29 should not change the way you've been or are viewing life. Be glad you have some stupid diagnosis - take medication if/when it helps and keep on living.

My little sis and i are 6 years apart - courts split us up between parents and i continued to get the raw end of the deal. When I saw my mom and sis having fun, being a family, showing love, hugging each other, etc., I hated them both for it. I was bitter and hardened because I never got this type of attention. Everything was good in life until my sister came along - I was the baby and the only girl until I became the forgotten one. I went through a lot of crap too and lost my brother on one of my birthdays.

Stop struggling and focusing on the past - it's not getting you anywhere. It's just giving you a copout. It's your choice now to build the life around you that you want. You don't have to let the bullies in or the gangs or any of thata crap.

There is an end in sight - some day we are all rewarded the prize of death. Remember that the next time you think it's all too much - it will be over one day.

....And this too shall pass....

So, um, focus on the solution, not the problem (but define the problem first).

Get real - go read a Dr. Phil book (Self Matters, for example) and start focusing on what you can control and where you want to go - not where you've been.

Answer 4

The first thing you should be is proud that you have survived all the s@*t life has thrown at you, you are here on this site and able to tell us how you feel, you have ben diagnosed and hopefully this is your short moment at the bottom, as things start to get better. There are, sadly, many people who would not have made it this far, so well done.
You are not a bad person, you do not want to become as bitter as you feel that you are and so you cannot be as hardened as you thought. A certain mental toughness is only to be expcted and in a survivor like yourself may have helped you get as far as you have.
I was also bullied & victimised for most of my young life and understand the intense bitterness that this causes for many years after the event. However for me there came a point where I decided to actively fight it. Even when I felt like crying or ripping someones head off, I took a moment and pretented to smile, laugh & have fun. It was horrible at first but It did work, at some point I wasn't always pretending, occasionally I actually felt a bit happy and I started to forgive those that had done me harm. This makes it sound like an easy thing to do, but you have to give the passion & determination to pretending to be happy that you would to being angry. This might not work for you or it may make me sound a little loopy but it made such a difference to my life and allowed me to become the person I wanted to be, that I had to share it. It's never too late to become who you were meant to be and however you get there, please trust that you are on the beginning of that path.

My best wishes

:)

Answer 5

My Lord, your only half my age, but yet I have felt EXACTLY as you do since childhood. The older I get the more bitter I become. Reading your letter makes me think and compare all the things you have said. I too, NEVER wanted to become this person, and the family link to all this misery was my father. I am now a 56 yr. old woman who like you, is bitter,resent others happiness, and want to puke when I hear these wholesome looking people say they suffer from depression~ I feel they couldn't possibly know what its like. Being as depressed as you and I are...takes a whole lifetime, not just because Johnny broke up with me, and I broke a fingernail...C'mon who are they kidding? I wish we didn't live countries away, and could discuss and compare our tragedys further over tea or coffee. Have you any knowledge of Methadone? I believe my email is available if you'd like to coorespond privately. And oh, yeah...back to the question...I became the person I never wanted to be! My father...When he passed away 3 yrs. ago, I had'nt seen him for almost 15 years, and even on his deathbed he told my son he didn't want to see me. More later maybe!!

Answer 6

today is the first day of the rest of your life .you must try and put the past behind you ,i know its not going to be easy ,every time you think about the bad things people have done to you tell yourself i am a better person than that,you can be happy ,you can be the person you want to be it takes time but you will get there ,you have to get some good memories ,and think of those take a Holiday and see some beautiful sites ,i hope you will overcome all these bad feelings i did,be positive best of luck .you can email me if you need to talk

Answer 7

Go to a therapist, start a journal so you can let your problems out, and try to find something that makes you happy. It is your life and you CAN change it. Good luck, I'll be praying for you, and hey, if you need to talk, you can e-mail me.

Answer 8

It's all part of growing up, we have all been through lots of pain in our live's. U either accept it, or get someone to help u. Best of luck.

Answer 9

TRY TO KEEP YOUR MIND CLEAN BY MEDITAITING AND LISTEN TO MUSIC TO GET YOUR MIND OFF WORRYING. GO OUT WITH SOMONE AND MAKE FRIENDSHIPS WHICH CAN HELP ALOT IN GETTING YOUR THROUGH THIS
GOOD LUCK!!!