bereavement /losin parents?

Question

Having lost both my parents over the last 3 years i need to ask this question-I am not after sympathy i just need to know if anyone else feels the same.I sat and watched both parents die and was devastated when they died,but even now sometimes i feel like i have not excepted this.When i look at my mums photo,who died 14 months ago its like i want to push to the back of my mind,or i couldnt cope with it.My dads photo is the same,with dad died earlier by 12 months.i feel comfort from him but still feel like i havent excepted all thats happened.even just writing this has me in tears.Its not like i am a young person i am in my 50s

Answer 1

Hi Kate, I lost my wife in a road accident in Aug 05, she was 32. I have two children, who are now 11 and 13. In Jan 06 my Dad died of cancer. There isn't a moment that goes by when I think of them and constantly ask.. Why me.. Why us. But for the sake of the kids I had to carry on. We still talk about her as if she is still here this helps the kids to move forward and not live in the past. You cannot love someone who isn't here, its just too painfull. Love the memories. I had great support from all around me too which was a factor which hepled me cope. Regards

Answer 2

I lost my Father, Brother & Nephew on Valentines Day in 2002 and I understand your feelings. Losing someone you love is extremely hard to deal with, you might have lost both your parents at different intervals but it is no different to me losing three of my family on the same day, because you did not have time to grieve for the first death when the secound one happened. You could more than likely be like myself and think if only (in my case my elder brother who died) my mother had of been here to help me cope with this grief, or (like me) you could without really realising that you are slightly angry for the people you loved being taken with you left behind having to pick up the pieces.

I really found grief councelling a great help, it doesn't make it any easier but you can learn to accept the deaths of your parents.

People have probably said "oh it will get easier with time or time is a great healer". I don't believe this for one minute because you know you won't see or hear these people again in your life and thats the hardest thing to accept. Please seek the help of a bereavment councelor as talking to a stranger can be a lot easier than some one who you see everyday

Answer 3

I watched my Father die 15 months ago and it was awful....dont know if Ive properly grieved yet. He wanted someone there with him at the end and I offered...felt like it was the last thing I could do for him. He died of cancer and I watched him whilst his lungs filled up with fluid and the horrible death rattle that they make started. It took about 13 hours from start to finish and I think ive tried to block a lot of it out through fear of what it might do to me emotionally if i try to face it. Im glad I was able to be there for him but at 59 I feel he was too young to go!! I have still got my Mum so cannot fully imagine how you feel but I can totally relate to what you are saying. Its so devastating. Take care x x

Answer 4

My father died when I was 15, my brother 8 yrs ago and Mum 6yrs ago. I still miss them like crazy. I have a loving husband and 2 wonderful daughters but at times I still grieve for those who have died. This is normal. My doctor told me it took 3 yrs to get back to `normal`, He was right, time doesn`t make the loss easier to bear it just makes the pain less raw.
I look at it as having the best of both worlds, I have a lovely family here on earth and a one waiting for me. I am thankful and so lucky for having had them in my life. like you I am not a youngster I have my 60th birthday this year. Celebrate what you had with them, grieve and accept you will have down times, but the pain will become less raw. Good luck.

Answer 5

I nursed my mum until her death last Novenber, and watched her slowly just rot away.She was 89. I can't get over it and never will I think. I am in my 50s. I don't cry for her, I think I cry for myself as I am alone without my best friend now. I helped dress her when she was passed (she died in my house) and it seemed like any other day dressing her and cleaning her. I think it must take any awful long time to accept what has happened, or perhaps you never do just carry on trying not to think of it. I feel numb about the whole thing. I try not to think about it all. And to make matters worse other members of the family seem to think it was nothing and just get on with it. I have written each day to the Samaritans by e mail and find this helps just writing down your thoughts.

Answer 6

I lost both of my parents as well. My dad in '85 when I was 19, and my mom in '01 when I was 35. Both times was hard, but I think it was the hardest accepting my dad's passing even though I was closer to my mom....age difference I guess.

With both of them, I woke up about six months later during the night, bawled my eyes out for about an hour or so, then went back to bed. I haven't cried for them after that, so I guess that was my way of accepting the fact they were gone but in a better place.

Anytime you feel the pain, the healing process has begun...

Hope this helps.

Answer 7

Well my father just died January 18th. I have been watching him slowly deteriorate for the past year. My dad was sick since 2000, and I didn’t accept the fact that he was extremely ill. Even after he was hospitalized, I was still trying to convince myself that he was coming home. The messed up part of this, is that he was getting better and then he just passed away out of nowhere. It’s not fully registering with me that I won’t see my dad ever again and I’m 20 years old.

Answer 8

I am sorry to hear of your loss, its never easy loosing someone you love, no matter how old you are unless you have a stone where your heart should be. I feel you need to talk to a bereavement counsellor or even the Samaritan's, if you have no one close to talk to. I to felt like you do and even now but not so often after nearly 18 years. it does get easier to bear though, just think of all the good times you had together. i wish you good luck in your search for contentment

Answer 9

What a shame for you, i guess its everything that someone dreads.
When my grandmother died (whom i was extremely close to- last july) i tried to take the positive out of it......ie. that she was no longer suffering. I, like you still cant believe she is gone but crying is relieving your grief.
I think everyone deals with it in different ways and this is your way. You could go to a bereavement councillor to talk things through at your own pace.
I think this is very hard because it is your closest family - take the positive that they are there together and watching over you.
Take care

Answer 10

i have lost both my parents too , my father in '98 and my mother in '05, and i still feel empty, feel like i am just floating.its almost ,for me,like some weird thing that happened that i have not quite figured out.i am not even sure if it's supposed to mean something because i have not fully addressed the issue,old or young,losing a parent is devastating, let alone both.

Have you tried bereavement counselling, they may be able to help

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