How do you tell you three year child about death to there father?

Question

My daughter ask me what happen to daddy. He died three years ago by a car accident.

Answer 1

All this information is the same for a three year old.


What to expect at this age
Death is one of the hardest subjects to broach with young children, especially when you're struggling to deal with your own sorrow. But death is also an inescapable part of life, and children want to understand it and find ways to grieve that feel natural.

Even 2-year-olds are aware of death. They hear about it in fairy tales, see it on TV, and encounter dead bugs, birds, or squirrels on the sidewalk or roadside. Some children may have already experienced the death of a pet or a family member. Despite this, though, 2-year-olds really don't understand what death is. They can't yet grasp the concept of "forever," and instead see death as something that's temporary and reversible. They may believe that the deceased still eat, sleep, and do normal things — except that they do them up in the sky or down in the ground. Even when a parent or a sibling has died, 2-year-olds don't see death as something that can happen to them.

Two-year-olds react to death in a variety of ways. Don't be surprised if your 2-year-old becomes clingy, regresses in toilet training, or suddenly balks at going to his familiar preschool. After all, his daily routines may have been interrupted, he's struggling to understand why the adults around him are so sad, and the world may suddenly seem ominous to him in a way that it hadn't before. On the other hand, he may not show any reaction to the death at all, or his responses may be intermittent, mixed in with his usual cheerfulness and play. This is normal, too. Children process grief in bite-sized chunks, not all at once. And many delay grieving until they feel it's safe to let those feelings out — a process that could take months or even years, particularly if they've lost a parent or a sibling.




How to explain death to your 2-year-old
Express your own emotions. Grieving is an important part of healing, for both children and adults. Don't frighten your child with excessive grief, but don't make the subject off-limits, either. Explain to him that grownups need to cry, too, and that you're sad because you miss Grandma. Your child is keenly aware of changes in your mood, and he'll be even more worried if he senses that something is wrong but that you're trying to hide it.

Give brief, simple answers. Young children can't cope with too much information at once. At this age, it's most helpful to explain death in terms of physical functions that have ceased, rather than launching into a complicated discussion of a particular illness: "Now that Uncle John has died, his body has stopped working. He can't walk or run, or eat or sleep or see anymore, and he doesn't feel any pain." It's also important to help a 2-year-old understand basics such as who's going to take care of him. "He thinks, 'If Mom dies, who's going to give me my bath?' " says Michael Towne, a child-life specialist who works with grieving families at the University of California-San Francisco Medical Center.

Avoid euphemisms. Common adult phrases for death — "resting in peace," "in eternal sleep" — are confusing for a young child, so don't say that Grandpa is "sleeping" or "has gone away." Your child may worry that going to bed at night means he'll die, too, or that if you leave for the office or the store, you won't come back. State the reasons for the death as simply as possible: "Grandpa was very, very old and his body couldn't work any more." If Grandpa was sick before he died, be sure to reassure your child that if he gets sick from a cold or flu, it doesn't mean he'll die. Explain that there are different ways people get sick, and that we recover from minor illnesses like the ones your child usually has.

Tread carefully when discussing God and heaven. Explanations of death and the afterlife will of course depend on your own religious beliefs. If the concepts of God and heaven will enter into your conversation, think carefully about what you'll say, since words meant to comfort a small child may actually confuse him. If you tell your child, "Janie's happy now, because she's in heaven," for instance, he may worry: How can Janie really be happy if everyone around me is so sad? If you say, "Janie was so good that God wanted her with him," he's likely to think: If God wanted to take Janie, will he take me too? Should I be good so I can be with her in heaven, or bad so I can stay here with Mom and Dad? Something along the lines of, "We're so sad that Janie isn't here with us and we'll miss her very much, but it's comforting to know that she's with God now," will reassure your child without adding to his worries.

Be prepared for a variety of reactions. Small children not only feel sorrow over the death of a loved one, they may also feel guilt or anger. Reassure your child that nothing he said or did caused the death, and don't be surprised if he expresses anger toward you, the doctors and nurses, or even the deceased. Also expect that he may have tantrums more often, either as a way to get his own sadness out (though the tantrum may appear to be about something else) or as a reaction to the tension and sadness in your household.

Expect the subject to come up repeatedly. Be ready to field the same questions from your child over and over again, since understanding the permanence of death is a real struggle for him. He's also likely to come up with new questions as his awareness of death and his cognitive skills grow, grief counselors say. Don't worry that you didn't explain the death adequately the first time — your child's ongoing questions are normal. Just keep answering them as patiently as you can.

Memorialize the deceased. Children need concrete ways to mourn the death of a loved one. At this age, your child probably isn't ready to attend a funeral (particularly an open-casket wake), but he can light a candle at home, sing a song, draw a picture, or take part in some other ritual observance. It also helps to talk about the good relationship he had with the person who died: "Remember when you and Grandma went blueberry picking? She had so much fun with you."

Discuss miscarriage. If you and your partner have had a miscarriage, you'll undoubtedly grieve. But you may be surprised to discover that your child is also upset, even if his understanding of the pregnancy was sketchy. He may feel guilty over the death, or mourn the loss of the "big brother" role you'd been preparing him for. And he'll need lots of encouragement to believe that this kind of death is uncommon, especially if you try for another baby. Explain that babies who miscarry are usually not healthy enough to live outside their mommy's tummy. Let your child say goodbye by drawing a picture or making a special gift for the departed baby.

Don't downplay the death of a pet. This is many children's first brush with death, and it can be a deeply tragic event for them. A family dog or cat is often a child's first and best playmate, offering unconditional love and companionship. Feeding the parakeet or goldfish regularly may have made him feel proud and grown up. Try not to say, "Don't feel bad, Rover is in heaven now" — this teaches him that his very real sadness is inappropriate. Instead, offer him lots of sympathy for his loss, and expect the same kinds of ongoing mourning and repeated questions that you'd get if a person he cared for had died.

Help him respond to media coverage of death. Your child is probably fairly oblivious to the widely publicized deaths of media figures or to news coverage of national disasters or wars. But he will pick up on the fact that you're sad or anxious, and he may hear older children discussing these events. Reassure him that "people are angry and fighting far away," and that that makes you sad, but that you're there to take care of him and will do everything you can to keep him safe.

Do your best to get your child's life back to "normal." Don't compound your child's loss by abandoning the schedule and activities that anchor his life and give him a sense of security. Some schedule upset is to be expected, of course, but the sooner your child's routine gets back to normal, the easier it will be for him. He needs to get to bed on time, get up on time, eat meals on time, and, if he's in daycare or preschool, go back to the friends and fun he has there.

Don't try to be perfect. If you're deeply bereaved by a recent death, do your best to guide your child through the difficult times, but don't expect yourself to be perfect. It's all right to cry in front of your child, and you can't expect yourself to answer every question perfectly the first time. Ask for help from friends and relatives, and remember that the more you help yourself cope, the better you'll be able to help your child cope, both now and later.

Answer 2

I am sorry for your loss and I have never been there but with us being in the military (were out now) and my friends and family still being in we have descussed this, take a picture of her daddy outside and point up to the sky and tell her that is where daddy is and then point to your hearts and say the same thing. Tell her that daddy is with her every minute of the day and watches over her while she sleeps and that she can talk to him even though he won't anwser her. Let her have that picture to keep so she can see him. Now then explain to her that he is gone from this world and has gone to heaven and that is how he can be with her at all times. The reason why she is asking is she is now able to realise that other people have daddys and why doesn't she have one. If she asks anymore ?s after that then she is smart and you should be proud, don't tell her that he is asleep cause then she might be afriad of that. Good luck

Answer 3

I'm really sorry. I wish I had an easy answer, but I've never been there. It is good to talk about him to her every chance you get to keep his memory alive, even though she was too young to remember him. Frequently show her picts of them or the 3 of you together & gently explain(if you are religious)that daddy is in heaven or he's an angel watching over you. Make sure she knows as she grows up that he did not 'go away' because of her & that he will always love her. How he died prob.should be kept from her 'til she's old enough to handle it. Best of luck!

Answer 4

simply tell her that her daddy had a car accident and that he was so hurt from it that he died. if she wants to know what death is tell her that it is when you don't see hear or feel or think anything. if you read the Bible, look up scriptures that explain death and show them to her. it is very important to explain to her the difference between "sleeping in death" and normal sleep. even young children can understand this.

Answer 5

Just tell her that he is heaven. If she keeps pressing then just say that he died in a car accident. That will probably be the end of the questions.
My kids know that my parents are dead but every now and then they ask where my parents are.
Kids are curious for awhile and then the just forget things.

Answer 6

that's so sad, a 3 year old wont really understand much but tell her daddy's in heaven and watching over her.

Answer 7

Well explain that her daddy went to heaven. I am sorry about your husband.

Answer 8

That is so sad I am sorry but she has to find out the hard way.

Answer 9

tell her that he loved her very much and went to heaven and she will see him one day if she is good.... Sorry about you husband.

Answer 10

As forest gumps mom would say, "He's on vacation"

Answer 11

So, tell her.