This mommy needs advice!?

Question

I just brought home my 2 day old daughter and my 11 month old son thinks shes a baby doll.... he tried to feed her his big bottle and he gets mad when i tell him no when he tried to pull her out of my lap how can i get in a rutine of speeding time with them both with out my son trying to play with her because he thinks shes a toy... i never knew this was going to be so hard... nad i leave my new baby in her bed unless shes being fed or needing changed ... im having such a rough first day

Answer 1

Hang in there. It's going to be like this for at least a week, until he realizes that the baby is not going anywhere. Don't neglect attention to the baby. The more you act as if it is normal for the baby to be around, the more he will know how to deal with it himself. Good Luck!

Answer 2

Just teach him how to be gentle with the baby, and praise him when he's gentle. Your son will learn. Try not to make him feel jealous of his sister. Sit with him on the couch and hold the baby and show him what gentle means. Touch the baby gently and let him practice touching gently. Give him time. It's only the beginning and he is still a baby too. He needs to learn and understand that his sister is a little person just like him. You also need help with the two of them. Accept help from friends and family. Maybe someone could spend time with your son while you have some time with the baby. And remember to get lots of rest whenever you can, while they nap, etc... You will be fine if you get lots of rest. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

try giving him a doll and one of the babies bottles and diapers. encourage him to feed 'his baby' when you are feeding your daughter. if you dont want to give him a doll use a stuffed animal or something like that. also teach him do nice and be easy. let him touch her hand gently, but make sure you always make it a rule for him not to touch her head to prevent accidents. but an 11 month old is very young. doesnt understand. they will both survive and he will hurt her on purpose and on accident. but he will get over it. i have a brother who is 11 months older than me and we are actually still best friends, so just hold on and do your best it will all work out in the end. you may also ask someone to bring him a new interesting toy like a train, if he likes them so he has something to do and doesnt get so jealous. you can try letting him hold her bottle or cover her with her blanket when you are holding her, but make sure you constantly praise him when he does do nice things and when he doesnt put him in timeout or in his highchair or bed. dont make a big deal of it and he will soon realize to only do the good, nice things that he gets a lot of attention for and not the bad things that he doesnt get any attention for not even negative. but i would definately start with giving him his own baby to care for and a special bottle for his baby. good luck and hang in there. you will all survive. and congratulations on your new daughter!

Answer 4

I know what you mean. I have 3 kids when my daughter was born (middle child) i didnt think i could handle a 2 yr old and a newborn. but i servived. and im sure you will too. it will take time to get in a routine. like when the newborn is sleeping is a good time to spend time with your son. and when hes sleeping is a good time to bath, feed and play with the new baby. hang in there and it will get eaiser. the baby is just something new to your son and he is probably amazed by her. so good luck and congrats

Answer 5

I'm sorry you've had a rough first day--remember it gets easier.
He's too young to understand much, but just tell him over and over "Gentle." And show him how to be gentle by example.
Don't leave your poor new one in her bed. Please hold her almost all the time at this age.
I hope you have some relatives or friends who can come help you.
You could also look up a nanny service.

Answer 6

Find something that your son can do to help you with the new baby. For example let him help you pick out her clothes or have him hand you the babies diaper when you are changing her. He will feel so helpful and important when you praise him for helping instead of feeling left out.

Answer 7

well I'm not a mom yet. I'm to have twins soon. but i had younger siblings. i was the same way too. my mom would play games with me when my brother was asleep. but when he woke up she told me " i have to take care of your brother then we can play again." it is rough to take care of a new born and an 11 month old. but i will be taking care of twins. but i don't want to start i just wanted to help. well good luck and congrats

Answer 8

You may want to buy him a doll. I know that sounds really weird, but then you both can sit together and he can feed his baby and you can feed yours. This way you can teach him the "right" way to treat a little one. I did that with my children.

Answer 9

most hospitals have sibling classes for brothers and sisters and they are usaully free so call obgyn and ask about it.

Answer 10

I'm sure some of these ideas will help you even though this article is ment for a 3 year old


Adding a new baby to a family with a young child is quite a challenge. With a three-year-old and newborn, you have a good space between your children, in terms of diaper changing and interrupted nights - but the emotional tensions are still there.

It is very common for firstborns to be jealous of a newborn sibling. And when a three-year-old is jealous, he might well try to lash out on the infant. But your are perfectly right in refusing to tolerate the behavior.

Parenting is always hard work, and at this stage you have to protect both your children from the older brother's jealousy. But remember that his "atrocious" behavior is normal. And the good news is that violent behavior (directed towards siblings) tends to peak at the age of three our four - so things are likely to get better.

To make him feel more secure, try to offer him one- to-one attention. This is hard with a newborn, but do your three-year-old some special time. Also, talk about his feelings. If he likes drawing, you could suggest that instead of hitting his little brother, he draw pictures of him - they can be as ugly as he likes. Or, he could role play his feelings and actions with some toys.

It's not bad for him to have these feelings - he's just not allowed to be violent.

Just as important as one-to-one time, is involving him with his new brother. Find ways of getting your older son to notice the baby, and to think about him as a person. "Look at your little brother. What do you suppose he's thinking?" or "Listen to that crying? Do you think he's hungry now?"

Also, as you talk about the baby's thoughts and feelings, show the older boy how important he is to his new brother. "See how he's looking at you! He's wondering what that big boy is up to." Your new baby must be smiling by now. Show your firstborn that he can make his brother smile.

Also, you could talk about the future, and how this little boy will one day be a playmate. The jealousy may never go away - but jealousy is just one of the many feeling siblings have for one another. You can help all those good feelings grow.

Books Available by Terri Apter, Ph.D:

"The Confident Child: Raising Children to Believe in Themselves" awarded the 1998 Delta Kappa Gamma Society Educator's Award, published by Bantam. To order this book, click here.

"The Confident Child: Raising A Child To Try, Learn and Care" to order, click here.

About the author: Terri Apter, Ph.D. is a psychologist at Clare Hall, University of Cambridge. She lectures and broadcasts widely, both in the U.S. and Britain, on family and work issues.

In 1990, she published Altered Loves: mothers and daughters during adolescence which was hailed by The New York Times Books Review (where it was listed as a Notable Book of the Year) as `simply wonderful - a fresh vision that blows away old stereotypes, dated theories, male biases and familiar patterns of blame. It is a model of lucid research and writing.' The reviewer, psychologist Carol Tavris, said, `I heartily recommend Terri Apter's book to anyone who is, knows, was or will be a participant in [a mother/daughter] pair...Altered Loves does not minimize the inevitable fighting between parent and child, but it beautifully illuminates the warmth.'

Her next book, Working Women Don't Have Wives: professional success in the 1990s (1993) was described by Kirkus Reviews as `a thoughtful analysis of an extraordinary complex problem, as well as a concise summary of feminist thought over the past four decades: of appeal to anyone interested in understanding the feminist revolution,' and The New York Times Book Review wrote, `she touches a resonant chord...Working Women Don't Have Wives provides a useful focus on the sources of the enormous resistance that makes change so difficult.' Even at an early stage, her work on midlife women was seen to be of enormous importance, and, to conduct her research, she was awarded the prestigious three year Betty Behrens Research Fellowship at Clare Hall, Cambridge. The results of this research are revealed in her new book Secret Paths: women in the new midlife which was described in The New York Times Book Review as `lively and revealing...Apter also provides insightful passages on the balance of power as it shifts in midlife marriages; on love and disengagement in the relationship between midlife women and their mothers; and on the nature of love and experience as they apply to women at this time in their lives.' In The Confident Child, Terri Apter focuses on the challenge of raising children. This book has been described by Publishers Weekly as a `convincing, well-written and truly helpful guide...Here is a book that takes the vagueness out of the notion of self-esteem and suggests concrete ways for parents to help their children like themselves and feel confident about their abilities to deal with the world around them.' This book won the 1998 Educator's Prize awarded by the Delta Kappa Gamma Society. Altered Loves: Mothers and Daughters During Adolescence. Ballantine. $10.00

Altered Loves is a frank, moving and insightful examination of girls' adolescence and their continuing, but changing needs for a close relationship with their mothers. The strife that characterizes this period is actually the result of trying to renegotiate a valued relationship. Widely acclaimed, and chosen by The New York Times Book Review as One of the Notable Books of the Year, Altered Loves explodes conventional myths and theories about mother-daughter relationships and offers new and valuable insights that will help mothers remember and daughters understand the delicate, painful and complex process of becoming a woman.

Secret Paths: Women in the New Midlife. Norton. $15.00 Drawing on detailed interviews with women in their forties and fifties, Apter finds that women in midlife undergo a series of changes through which they gain a newly powerful sense of their own identity. She sees midlife as a time where women gain greater control over their decisions and a strengthened sense of their potential. Whereas other writers have seen midlife for women as a time dominates by biological changes associated with menopause, Apter looks at midlife passage through women's psychology. She debunks the myths associated with women's fear of aging and decreased attractiveness. Whereas once this was thought to cause anxiety and depression, Apter finds that women deliberately negotiate an acceptance of who they are physically, and resist cultural images that marginalize them. This resistance can be a starting point for greater freedom. While "midlife crisis" for some men is associated with a last-ditch attempt to hold on to their youth, for women it is an attempt to refocus their energies for the future. Secret Paths is a must for every woman's journey into midlife and beyond.

The Confident Child: A practical, compassionate guide. Bantam. $11.95 Raising confident, motivated, and caring children is a parent's greatest challenge. Children who believe in themselves and have confidence are known to experience future successes, to be less frustrated in learning, to show overall higher performance. This sage compassionate and practical guidebook shows parents how to help their children acquire self-esteem building skills and offers parents a plan for learning how to discipline, communicate and deal with their children's emotional life. In an accessible style, with down-to-earth examples of children's lives in the family and in school, Terri Apter shows parents how to raise a child to solve problems, to be socially active and understand others, to express feelings appropriately, and to manage emotions - all of which are crucial skills in developing confidence. Every parent and caring adult should own a copy of this necessary parenting guide. A Literary Guild and Doubleday Bookclub choice.

Best Friends: the pleasures and perils of girls and women's friendships. Crown. $24. Friendships shape girls' development and women's lives - often as much as parents do, but the impact these significant others have is usually ignored. But each friendship makes its mark on our psychology. Behind the most powerful woman is a girl who wants a friend, and a girl who has learned to be terrified of a friend's abandonment and betrayal.

Recently girls' and women's friendships have been portrayed in idealized terms. Depicted as caring and nurturing, best friends have been described as always supportive and loving. But though the closeness and connection aren't shams, these relationships are often uncomfortable. What we learn about managing these precious but difficult connections stays with us. We need to develop a kind of friend therapy to negotiate flashpoints.

This means being able to speak our minds, even when our thoughts differ from those of a friend. We can then accept conflict and talk it through. This means accepting that we have to share friends. This means accepting the slippery connections between admiration of friends, and occasional envy of them.

This means giving up the belief that we have to wear a mask of perfection to be liked, or find someone who is just like us, if we are to be liked.

Girls learn that networks of friendships can set up minefields of jealousies: "Whose friend are you?" they ask as they monitor these precious alliances for any sign of change. "Who do you think you are?" they demand as a friend seems to leave them behind. They want to be like their friends, and they want to be liked by their friends, and they can be terrified of her rejection because they see who they are by looking into a friend's eyes.

Mothers of adolescent girls dread the onset of the friendship wars. yet find themselves quite helpless in these situations. One reason mothers have difficulty helping daughters withstand these battles is that they miss the fact that these issues stay with them. Particularly as women increasingly work together in organizations, old ways of scuffling for place and recognition, for love and loyalty seem to pervade the experience of life at work.

Remembering is hard, because the early experiences of friendship are so raw with emotion. A woman's understanding of her own emotional journey through friendship is a valuable asset. It is through these perils and disruptions that lie the "pure gold" of girls' and women's friendships. A Book of the Month Club selection.