Gimme your BEST joke!!!?

Question

Alright i havent heard a good joke in a while!!! so i Really need to hear one!!! Come on gimme one even if its Not all that funny!!!

Answer 1

A blonde was driving down a highway way to slow, so a cop pulled her over. He walked up to the car and said, "Mam, do you know how fast you were going?. She responded, "Yes, I was going 23 miles per hour."
"That is way to slow, and it is also dangerous, why are you going to slow?"
The blonde said, "The sign said to go 23 miles per hour."
"But that's the route sign" And as he said this he saw 3 quivering girls in the back and he asked the blonde, "What is wrong with them?"
"Well." the blonde said, "we just got off Route 144"

Enjoy.

Answer 2

its a letter:

Dear Friends, I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird ****. On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my **** together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone. Love, Santa

Answer 3

Dumb blonde jokes(sorry if anyone's blonde...):
A blonde is walking on a dirt road and sees another blonde rowing a boat in a wheat field. She yells to the other blonde and asks "What are you doing?" the other blonde responds "I'm rowing in a sea of wheat." The blonde says "It's people like you that give blondes bad names. Now come over here!" The other blonde asks " why don't you come out and get me?" The other yells back "I can't swim!!"

Two sisters inherit a cattle ranch, but need a bull to begin a breeding program. So, the older sister goes out to see a bull. She tells her sister that if the bull is affordable, she'll send a telegram to tell her to bring the trailer to take the bull back to the ranch. She goes to see the bull, approves the price, and goes to the telegram office. She realizes that she only has a dollar and asks how many words she can send. The attendent says only one. She replies " all right, then send 'comfortable'." The clerk asks how the person will know what to do. She say "oh, my sister has to sound out the syllables in words...com-for-ta-ble."

This joke's funny, but sad:
A husband and wife are riding through the desert on a horse. The horse begins to misbehave and bucks, the husband says "one", the horse bucks again two hours later "two", the horse bucks a third time, the husband and his wife dismount the horse. The husband grabs his gun and shoots the horse, and the wife says "Why did you do that!! Now we have to walk through this desert! You idiot!!"...the husband reloads his gun and says "one".

This one's supposed to be more visual:
A man is driving and runs over a cat. He walks around to a house and knocks on the door. A woman answers the door. The man asks "I'm sorry, but do you have a cat?" The woman replies "yeah, why?". man says "I ran over one, and i'm trying to find the owner". The woman asks " What does it look like?". The man says " like this:" and slumps over with his tongue hanging out. The woman says, "no, no, before you hit it..." The man says "like this:" and throughs his arms up, widens his eyes and Meows.

A papa tomato, a mama tomato, and a baby tomato are crossing the road. papa tomato hears a splat, looks backand says to baby tomato, "Ketchup!"
(Like 'catch up')

Answer 4

Here's one someone else told me:

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were hiding from the police because they had robbed a store. So they ran and hid in some potatoe sacks that were in the alley. So when the police came into the alley they kicked the sack the redhead was hiding in and the redhead said "Meooow!" and they were like "Oh, it's just a cat," then they kicked the sack the brunette was hiding in and the brunette said "Ruff, Ruff" and they were like "Oh, it's just a dog" so finally they kicked the sack the blonde was hiding in and the blonde said "Poootatoees!"

Answer 5

How did the police scare the bugs away? They referred to as for the S.W.A.T. team. Why does no longer the Energizer Bunny come out of the bathing room? as a results of fact he saved goin! and goin! and goin! How did the Pillsbury Doughboy die? Yeast an infection Why are E.T.'s eyes so huge? as a results of fact he observed his telephone bill. what's a mermaid's undergarment? Algebra How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it! Why are not there any WalMarts in Afghanistan? as a results of fact there's a aim on each and every corner! Husband says: as quickly as I get mad at you, you never combat back. How do you administration your anger? spouse says: I sparkling the rest room... Husband says: How does that help? spouse says: i take advantage of your Toothbrush..... properly, in simple terms the different evening my spouse got here to me on her arms and knees." His acquaintances have been surprised! "What befell then?" "properly, then she stated, “GET OUT FROM decrease than THE mattress AND combat LIKE a guy” Why replaced into the canine thrown out of the butcher save? He replaced into chop-lifting. How is in simple terms slightly gum like a sneeze? Its a chew! What could you call this u . s . a . if actual everyone had a purple vehicle? A purple carnation! Why did the scientist set up a knocker on his door? He had to win the No-bell prize! choose Judy to prostitute: 'So while did you already know you have been raped?' Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'while the verify bounced.' "Did you hear related to the self-help team for compulsive talkers? that's referred to as On & On Anon. " Did you hear related to the florist who had 2 teenagers? One's a budding genius and the different's a blooming fool.

Answer 6

My six yr old told me these.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
His butt was on fire !!

Why did the M & M go to school?
Cause he wanted to be a smartie.

What goes OH OH OH?
Santa walking backwards.

Lil boy praying in church
"Lord mommy wants me to be a good boy. If you can not do that do not worry I am having way more fun this way."

Answer 7

Three nuns were in the church the other day and the 1st nun says, "I was going through the Father's office and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns.

"What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

Answer 8

Confessions of kid

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.


Letter 2
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.


Letter 3
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary! .
He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 4
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!
!!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

There was it's little boy he had a dream and a crow came and told him that his aunt was gonna die and she did

4 days later he had the same dream but it said his father would die he tells his father and he runs away and come back at 1am and said I Had the worst day ever his wife said You! The milk man died on our porch

Answer 10

A wife and husband was doing the gardening. the wife was leaning over and planting seeds. The husband said..wow.. I think your B-hind is as big as our gas grill. the wife got mad. then the husband said let me get a tape measure and see if it is. The wife got madder but continued to garden. then she felt her husband behind her and looked and saw him with a tape measure.. He said, honey I am right. Your B-hind is as wide as our gas grill. Now the wife is livid.. just steaming... So later the husband tried to cuddle up to his wife and wanted sex.. The wife said, NO if you think I am going to fire up this gas grill for one itty bitty weiner.. you are wrong!!