pagan jokes?

Question

What's the best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on...

Please hold. All muses are busy right now, but your inspiration is important to us...

What's the difference between New Age and Pagan? About $500.00 a weekend.

The definition of "SAINT": "A dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives."

Sign in a Wiccan Bookstore: "No Shoplifting! Offenders will be Possessed! Second-time Offenders will be Re-Possessed!"

A sign with a daggar on it in a bookstore: "Shoplifters will be merrily hacked to pieces!"

How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Crowley never wrote a book about it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

"God Please save me from your followers"

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

its not. trying to lighten the mood in a very serious part of answers

Answer 1

how is this a question?

Answer 2

Pagan lightbulb jokes...

Druids: 501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.

Family Traditionalists: "Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!"
(or) "Go ask your own grandmother!"

Astrologers: "Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"

Pagans: Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before those Christians came along.

Gardernian Wiccans: Sorry, that's a Third Degree secret.
(or, In a low ominous tone) "Why do you want to know... initiate?"

Alexandrian Wiccans: Dunno - we haven't looked it up in the Gardnerian Book Of Shadows yet.
(or) 13. One High Priestess to change the bulb, and 12 to hold her up under all that jewelry.
(or) "Let's go see how the Gardnerians do it!"

Brit Trad Wiccans: 13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.

Solitary witches: (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)

Wiccans: Four. One for each direction.

Buckland Witches: "Refer to my second book, 'Practical Light Bulb Changing', by Raymond Buckland..."

Answer 3

Very cute! Nice to see somebody has a sense of humor

You might like this also:

How many athiests does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The athiests have decided the bulb does not exist, therefore there is no need for change...

(told to me by an athiest).

Answer 4

A Pagan dies, and to his great surprise finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The guy in charge looks him over before asking, "Can I help you?"

"Where am I?" asks the Pagan.

"Beg your pardon?" the other guy asks. "You're in Heaven, of course."

"B-but I don't believe..."

"Hmmm" (squinting his eyes) "are you one of them Pagan folk?" the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste.

"Yes, I am... I believe I'm in the wrong place, which way is the Summerland?" our Pagan friend asks.

"It's been 'temporarily' shut down for repairs," the gatekeeper said with an ironic chuckle, "ever since we took over...err...I mean... since the people found their way to the true path."

"Whatever," says the Pagan, "What do I do now?"

"I'm sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Pagans allowed here."

"WHAT? Hell? But I don't believe in Hell!"

"Sorry, those are the rules, just follow the downward path to the left."

So our Pagan friend walks down to Hell, only to find the doors open. He warily goes in and looks around to see beautiful meadows, and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods. "Hmm, so far so good."

A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin. "Can I help you?"

"SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you?"

"Ahem... a little too late for that, isn't it?" the guy said with a smile.

"Who are you, anyway?" our friend asks.

"Why, I'm Satan," the other one said with a slight bow.

"Satan?!" said our friend as he started looking around nervously.

"At your service... you're the Pagan guy Pete called us about, right?"

"Pete... oh the guy in Heaven, yes..." he said, eyeing Satan carefully. "What's gonna happen to me now?"

"Well, you can hang out, there's some great fishing going on in the lake beyond these woods and, if you follow the road down this way, there's refreshments and a little market not too far and to your right. I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are just behind that hill..." Satan went on.

"Are you serious...?" he finally asked.

Satan grinned at him innocently. "Why shouldn't I be?" Sudden understanding filled Satan's eyes. "You don't believe the rumors, do you?"

Suddenly, in answer to our friend's growing fear, the vault of the skies opened with a thunderous groan. A soul, plummeting through the sky, screamed in terror, his screams drowned by the opening of a yawning chasm full of fire and brimstone. The stench of sulfur thickened the air. Thousands of howling, suffering, tortured voices echoed through Hell. When the screaming soul finally fell into the pit, the ground shut closed with a sickening thud that rattled the earth.

Our Pagan friend all but soiled his undies as he yelped in terror. "And what was THAT all about?"

Satan rolled his eyes, and made a dismissive gesture with his hand as he said with a distasteful grimace. "Oh, just ignore that..." He rolled his eyes again. "My Christian guests refuse to have it any other way!"

Answer 5

What's an Asatruar's idea of a balanced diet? A horn of mead in each hand!

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? (Pagan style)

Alexandrian/Gardnerian:
To reveal this would be to break my oath of secrecy. I can say,though, that it really is an ancient rite, dating far back in time, back even before 1951, and I have learned it from an unbroken lineage. As Gerald said, it takes a chicken to make an egg.

Asatru:
First, we don't believe in a "One Chicken" or a "Hen and Rooster." We believe in many chickens. Second, "crossing the road" is probably a later Christian contamination of the original Norse riddle--in which the chicken "trod the road to Hel", a standard expression for death. Hail the Chickens!

British Traditional:
The word "chicken" comes from a very specific Old English word ("gechekken"), and it only properly applies to certain fowl of East Anglia or those descended there from. As for the rest, I suppose they are doing something remotely similar to crossing the road, but you must remember that traditional roads are not to be confused with the modern roads....

Celtic:
In County Feedbeygohn on Midsummer's day, there is still practiced St. Henny's Dance, which is a survival of the old pagan Chicken Crossing fertility rite. Today, modern pagans are reviving the practice, dedicated to the Hen and the Green Rooster.

Ceremonial:
"Crossing the road" is a phrase that summarizes many magical structures erected and timed by the chicken to produce the energy necessary for the intention of the travel across the road. For example, the astrological correspondences had to be correct, the moon had to be waxing (if the chicken intended to come to the other side of the road) or waning (if the chicken intended to flee to the other side of the road), and the chicken had to prepare herself through fasting and proper incantations. Note: certain forms of invocation (summoning an egg inside your chicken self) can produce abnormal or even dangerous eggs and should only be conducted inside a properly erected barnyard. ...

Chaos:
Thinking in terms of "roads" and "crossings" is simply looking at the formal, typically perceived structure of chicken crossing space-time. We, instead, focus on the possibility of chicken crossing itself; what appears to be a random act is thus actually the norm - it is the **road** which is the freak of chance. Indeed, quantum mechanics now demonstrates what we knew all along: two roads can simultaneously exist in the same place at the same time. Thus, by attuning ourselves to the dynamic energy (called "crossing"), we can manifest the road. Of course, to the unknowledgeable, this appears as a chicken crossing the road.

Church of All Worlds:
The Chicken arose from dinosaurian ancestry at the dawn of avian emergence. In the fullness of Time, the Chicken crossed the K-T Boundary in order ultimately to reach the compost heap, where it's Sacred Mission is to incubate a network of information, mythology and experience to awaken the Chicken within and to provide omelets and buffalo wings, along with a context and stimulus for reawakening The Great Hen and reuniting Her chicks through barnyard community dedicated to responsible brooding and the continuing evolution of galliformity. Even though we are all but Eggs, the Chicken knows that the Rooster came first, which is why the True Chicken will always be a bit cocky! Thou Art Fowl!

Dianic:
The chykyn ("chicken" is a term of patriarchal oppression) sought to reclaim for herself the right to be on the other side of the road, after it had been denied to her for centuries. By doing so, she reawakened the power of the Hen within herself.

Discordian:
cock-a-doodle-doo !

Druid:
To get to the sacred grove, of course! Keep in mind that 99% of everything written about chickens-crossing-the-road is pure hogwash, based on biased sources. Yes, there were a few unfortunate chicken sacrifices in the past, but that is over now...

Eclectic:
Because it seemed right to her at the time. She used some Egyptian style corn and a Celtic sounding word for the road and incorporated some Native American elements into her Corn-name, Chicken-Who-Dances-and-Runs-with-the-Wolves.

Faery:
In twilight times and under sparkling stars, those properly trained can still see the chickens crossing the roads. Reconnecting with these "fey-fowl" as they cross is crucial to restoring the balance between the energies of modern development and living with the Earth.

Family Traditional:
Growing up, we didn't think much about "crossing the road." A chicken was a chicken. It crossed the road because that was what worked to get her to the other side. We focused on what worked, and we worked more with the elders of the barnyard and less with all this "guardians of the chickencoop" business. We didn't get our concepts of "chickens" or "the other side" from Gardner, either. You can choose not to believe us since we did not "scratch down" on paper what was clucked to us orally (which, at certain times in history, was the only way to avoid becoming Easter chicken soup!), but that doesn't change the facts: there were real chickens, and they really did cross the road!

Kitchen Witch:
The chicken crossed the road to get food, to get a rooster, or to get away from me after I decided to have chicken for supper!

Left Hand Path:
White, fluffy chickens prancing across the road! Do you think that is all there is to crossing the road? Do you dare to know the dark side of crossing the road and the other path to self-development?

New Age:
The chicken crossed the road because she chose this as one of her lessons to learn in this life. Besides, there was so much incense and bright, white corn to explore on the Other Side.

Newbie:
Well, 'cause I read in this really kewl book that said, like, chickens are supposed to cross the road, right?

Solitaire:
The chicken didn't want to be part of a coven or an oven.

Shaman:
Crossing the road is a way to reconnect with the healing, visionary lifeways of the past. Chickens have long known this, but increasingly the Rooster's Movement is adding more roosters to the crossings too.

Snert:
Hey, are you guys really chickens? Can you give me a spell that will make a chicken cross the road?

Voudun:
The black rooster crossed the Road as a sacrificial offering to Papa Legba and Colonel Sanders.

Wiccan:
The chicken crossed the road because she felt like she was finally "coming home." She could do it alone or with others, but she had to call to the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the Barnyard first ... uhm, after casting the circle.