Any funny lines about men who've just crawled in from the pub?

Question

My other half is about to come in after a rare night out with the lads. I know he's half-cut already so a sensible conversation is not really going yo happen. But he will laugh at some of the funny stuff.

Answer 1

i find it best to let the drunkest person start the convo if it you then let him start the convo.... let him think he da man.... works for me..... lol

Answer 2

A guy walks into a bar, sits down in the same chair, and orders 3 gin and tonics, every day for a week straight. After the first week goes by, the bartender asks the man "If you don't mind me asking, why do you always order 3 drinks?" The patron replies "well when I moved here from Detroit, my 2 brothers back home said have a drink for me when you get there." And so I am. Another week of this goes by and the patron comes in, sits down, but this time only orders 2 drinks. The bartender can't help but ask, "Did something happen to one of your brothers?" The patron says "No, why do you ask?" Bartender- "Well because you're only ordering 2 drinks." Patron says- "Oh no, that's only because I quit drinking."

Answer 3

The 8 yr old boy who weighs 14 stone was asked earlier today on TV today what his favourite musical instrument at school was!
The fat Cu*t said the dinner bell!


Fat ugly bird walks into asda with two kids, the guy on the counter says, 'welcome to asda madam, lovely kids, are they twins? She says ' He's feckin Twelve and she's four you prick!'
'Well' he replies, " I just cant believe someone has shagged you twice ya fat retarded bastard!'

Aussie lad driving over sydney bridge & sees his girlfriend ready to jump off, he pulls up and says ' Sheila wot are you doing?'
She says,' you got me pregnant and now i have to kill myself'
He says 'not only were you a good shag but you're a good sport too!'
hahahahaha

There's a few too make him laugh.....