How can I accept a child of the other woman?

Question

I love my BF and I am willing to accept his child as my own (child is 8 named Devin). However; I can't seem to accept the fact that he is also the ex-gf's child. The fact that my BF still has to even talk to her about anything at all. I understand completely that he would have to talk to her if it's regarding Devin being hurt or of his needs. She calls my BF and complains to him about how Devin isn't being a good boy expecting my BF to do something when she isn't even there to be a mother and she won't allow Devin to live with my BF. She was the one who cheated on my BF a year after he proposed to her just for the sake of holding the family together. Now that she's kissing Devin's butt whenever she's home (she's either at work or out with her new BF and already has another kid with that guy) Devin thinks so highly of her now. No matter how good of GF or better of a mother I can be, I won't be able to win his heart over his mother's. How can I accept a child of the other woman?

Answer 1

Hello Minty,

I sure sympathize with you. You haven't taken an easy path to walk. As a step-parent, the father of seven and a Certified Christian Counselor, I have heard this question more times than I can count. I have been counseling Broken and Blended families for over 25 years, and, as a Pastor, premarital counseling for Blended Families is of a particular challenge. Devin is at the age where Daddy is still a hero, and, love seems to be boundless. That is a wonderful thing to watch. But, unfortunately you have to deal with an unreasonable adult from time to time. First, the best way to show your love for Devin, is to show appropriate love for your boyfriend. I know that you want to express your love by mothering Devin, but, he already has a mother, and, doesn't need the added confusion at this stage of his life. To your benefit, you can give Devin all the love you wish, purely out of love, and not out of obligation. You are not compelled to demonstrate love for him, but, you can tell him that you love him, by choice! Out of all the little boys in the entire world, you picked him to love. And, getting his father thrown in? Well, that's just a bonus. If you care for Devin as deeply as you indicate, keep the feelings for him within the boundaries of that relationship. And, don't even take into consideration who gave birth to him. Just thank God that you have found two individuals to love. Some people never even get that. Monitoring the ex-girlfriends activities and lifestyle will only cause anxiety, for everyone involves. Remember, you can't fool the kids. Devin will learn to love those, who genuinely love him.

Good luck, and God Bless, Minty!

Answer 2

This is a dilemma and there is no definitive answer, however there are a few things that you need to consider.First and foremost, what is most important to you? Keeping your boyfriend? Do you plan onm spending the rest of your life with him? It is not Devins fault, he is a child, so is it important that you teach him how to be a good person and honest, caring values?
If you answer yes, then that dictates how you will act.
If you answered no then it doesn't really matter what you choose, except that you may feel guilty for a long time. The Ex-GF is not really important in your relationship but for as long as you are involved with your BF and Devin, she will be around. Either, you learn to deal or not, you may drive a wedge between your BF and you or you and Devin. Is that something you are willing to allow happen?

Answer 3

Its like this except it or dont, I have been raising my 2 step-sons for the last 5 yrs. my husband and i have been together for 10 yrs, and his ex put us through h**l , she non-stop used the boys as pawns and non-stop trying to start trouble and come between my husband and i. Is there a court order? And of course she wont let devine live w/ his dad because that is her meal ticket. You need to realize you will never take the place of the real om, i am here for my 2 step-sons way more then their real mom but i am not the real mom.... But if you really believe she is unfit you need to do what i did and become her friend or just be nice to her you catch more bees with honey then you do vinegar.... How do you think we got my 2 step-sons? we didnt go to court, she volutarily signed them over so she could go run and have fun., because i became her friend, and you need to tell your man this is hard for me, and the only time you need to speak with her is to give her the tie you will be there to pick him up and drop him off, or if he is very, very sick... They are caled ex's for a reason! If there are no court papers u might want to get some. But decide now if you can live with this if things never do change.. I know some people that just pay nomind to it and just dont get too involved with the kid... But i didnt i am a mom to these boys and i wouldnt have no other way, and if the little boy treats you bad your man needs to step in.

Answer 4

This sounds exactly like my situation when I first met my Now Husband. He was older and seperated from his wife who had got pregnent by his best friend. So I came into the relationship and all of a sudden had to be a mom. So I know exactly where your coming from. All you can do for what could end up being your step son is first be his friend and try and let dad be the parent. Its hard when dad is doing the things that you thning need to be done but you knida have to bite your teeth. The hardest part is always having to put up with the ex, her calling and the two of them arguing and then there are going to be times where she gets mad at you for trying to be a mom to her kid. I have had some times where the stress was really high but I am glad that I stuck in it because My stepson is just as much my son as he is hers. If she is not a good mom you might talk to your man about getting custody.

Answer 5

1. Understand that if you marry your BF, Devin's mom is now in your life FOR LIFE. If you can't accept that, walk away NOW.

2.This is not a compitition for Devin's affection. His mom will ALWAYS win out, ALWAYS. If you can't accept that, walk away NOW. It's not your place to replace his mom, not matter what you think of her. Its your place to love Devin's dad, and be the best step-mom that you can be. But you will never ever take his mom's place. Ever.
3. Being a good step-mom means swallowing those angry words you want to say when Devin's mom is behaving like a jerk, and keeping to yourself what you think of their custody agreement and child support arrangement. It means having no legal right to a child you love and not having any say in what happens to him when he goes to his mom's. It requires you to put Devin's welfare above your own pride and your own sense of importance in his dad's life. It requires you to get along with someone you don't like and to make compromises for his sake when you would rather punch her lights out. If oyu can't do this, walk away NOW.
4. It is your duty as an adult to not put Devin in the middle of any unpleasantness between him parents, and not to cause any unplesantness. This means no dirty looks, no attitude towards his mom, no talking bad about her around Devin, always pretending you and her are best friends and that you don't mind at all that she calls Devin's dad. If you can't do that, walk away NOW.

Being a step mom is the hardest thing in the world. I know. I am the non-custodial parent of a child who has a step mom and I respect the hell out of her. Its a lot of work to maintain that relationship and not devolve into anger and bitterness. But I do what's right for my child. You have to do that too. Or this relationship isn't for you.

Take care.

Answer 6

How much love do you have in your heart? Is there room for a little boy, who is innocent of everyone's mistakes? You should be able to accept this child, cause he is your man's son. Yes he is a part of her, but that is not something for you to dwell on. Get over it. Grow up. Petty crap is very annoying, and I am sure he will grow tired of it real quick. I no I would. Each child has their own personality. Doesn't mean he is like his mother. The sooner you realize this, the better your relationship will become.He also will learn to love you if you don't have a cold heart, kids can be real sensitive to that.....

Answer 7

thats a very good question. dont feel alone, this happened to my aunt. what she did with her "step son to be" was she and her boyfriend brought him to a family party and introduced him to a family. they figuredo ut who he got along with best on her side of the family and made sure he stayed in touch with them and got to see them often. he then assosciated her with having fun and being around people he liked and didnt assosiate with family trouble. my aunts step-son now comes over to my house once a week and we do all sort of fun stuff. it helped him transition from his birth mother to my aunt and her boyfriend. they now live together and his ex gf is off some where in a trailer park with three other kids and her bf who cant even provide for her. my aunts step sone doesnt even mention his birth mother anymore, he only has eyes for her.

-i hope this helped hun!!

Answer 8

you will never as you say win over the child heart as his mother has
but he will come to love you if you love and care for him
his mother will always be in your life so get used to it.

Answer 9

treat him as if he were your own. love him. and watch the movie Stepmother with Julia Roberts in it....maybe that'll help you sort things out a bit. hope that helped :) Godbless...

Answer 10

either get over it or move on...