Marry now or after baby's birth?

Question

In January my fiance and I got engaged. We planned on surprising our parents in March at my mother's graduation. Well in febuary I found out i was 13 weeks pregnant, and decided to tell our mothers about the pregnancy/engagement. We both would like to marry soon, but finances and a lack of time (5 months till baby's due) prevent planning a traditional ceremony. My suggestion to my fiance was to have a "courthouse ceremony" now and plan for a large traditional ceremony next spring. He thinks that's backwards, and that we will become so busy w/ the baby; 3 yrs will go by, and I'll be unhappy w/ the fact I never had my "dream ceremony". My mom suggested settling for a small ceremony, but upon doing it, I want it to be right. I dont want to "settle" for something I will regret years down the road...What should we do?

We are also undecided with living situations. Right now we have a small 1 bdrm apt in SC, we planned on moving back to Washington state (where we met) this summer. (Better jobs/schooling, ect.) Now w/ the baby coming we want to get back to Wa sooner(within the next 2 months), b/c of the potential to SAVE more money for the baby. We're gonna end up renting a house for a year (I guess, we have already found a few rental homes we like) and i dont want to be stuck trying to BUY a home/plan a wedding/raise a baby a year or 2 years later. But my wedding is very important to me. I dont know...this is making me depressed.

Answer 1

You sound like a really smart young woman, you should not let this depress you. You're focusing in on an "event" (a wedding party) when you have your entir elife laid out in front of you -- and the most important parts of your life will be as a wife and as a mother.

Your idea of getting married at the local courthouse will make your child be legitimately born into a wedded home, and you will find that so important as you get older, not to mention what this will mean to your child. Have a small celebratory party afterwards with those that are really close and supportive of you and your husband (he'll be your "husband" at the party!)

It is such a problem in today's society and in the US that people get so carried away with wanting the "ideal big event" centered on all of the material things and glitzy, showy stuff that will not matter years later... I have friends in Europe, Mexico and other parts of the world and all of their celebrations are about tradition, family, being together -- nothing to do with the dress, the cake, the ring, the color scheme, the flowers.... focusing on all of these things that are impossible to get "perfect" and that are SOOOO overpriced just b/c it is a wedding will only stress you out even more and put you into debt at a time when you need to save as much as you can and prepare to have a situation where you and your husband can start your new life with security (savings for emergencies), stability and many options.

It's a little bit surprising that your fiance also wants the big party, but remind him that the two of you are about to have the most amazing gift and experience with this baby -- things did not work out how you planned, but they will work out beautifully in the long run and you just need to go with the flow and order of things as the happen.

Make your baby legitimate, become a married couple asap as you prepare to start a family, and TRUST ME, use any money that would have gone towards a big party to have an awesom BABYMOON, take a trip with your husband before the baby arrives and have some bonding time with him before you both have all of your energy zapped into raising a baby.

Good luck -- don't give in to social pressures / TV dream images that are just that, unrealistic images that don't mean much in the long run :)

PS: I forgot to add, if you are thinking about having the big party you have to also consider that this now becomes an event with many other people involved, and be realistic, most people will not be open and warm about attending a wedding that is "out of order" - it may not be right / fair, whatever, but when you think about a "dream" wedding you are factoring in that there will be many, many people attending and supporting the "dream" event. Especially those older than us and people with traditional values (which believe me, you will want in your life as you are raising a child -- not teh "anything goes" people), these people will not be likely to fully support, maybe even attend a wedding set for after a baby has been born and the couple is already living together... the whole thing will just end up being odd and not the "dream" you had in mind, so I say do the right thing and formalize everything now, have an appropriately intimate party -- take that trip! -- and then enjoy being a motherm it is the most amazing experience ever (I have a 2 yr old with baby #2 on the way), you won't care about the wedding once you and your husband are focused on the well-being of your new family.

Answer 2

It seems that many people focus more on the wedding in this country on the marriage. Yes, it would be nice to have a formal wedding, but as many have said below, it's a good idea to get married right away:
1. You had already decided to get married
2. It's for the protection of the parents and the baby
3. A marriage is no less a marriage with a small ceremony
4. As you said, you can have the ceremonial wedding later.

So first, get married. Then, if a more ceremonial wedding is what you want, keep planning it. Set a date, go through all the motions, and make it happen. Do not let it slip away into nothing. Put the money away now, and get things moving.

Remember, the ceremony is just that. One of the strongest marriages I've ever known of was a courthouse wedding. They have been married over 30 years, and love each other in a way I aspire to. The wedding is just a day. The Marriage is a lifetime.

Good luck, and God Bless

Answer 3

Honey, you're goning to be a Mommy.

EVERYTHING ELSE IS SECOND!!

I share this story to you. My cousin was in the exact same boat - she got pregnant a couple months before the wedding. The decided to postpone the wedding (I already had my MOH gown) until after the baby. Only by the time the baby came there didn't seem to be the money for a wedding and she didn't want to just get married- she wanted to "do it right." Eventually the relationship ended and she did not have any of the financial benefits she could have gotten from a divorce. She was left a single mom with no money. Not that that would happen to you, but there are many other issues more practical in nature. What if something happens to you? what about healthcare? All those issues are much clearer if there is a marriage.

Listen to your mom and in some ways your finance. He is right in that you will likely never get around to it. But I think the joy of parenthood will more than make up for it. (I missed out on a dream trip to Costa Rica b/c I got pregnant. Do I miss going, sure, but I never ever regret.) You are going to have to learn to be sad about things you don't get to do as a parent, but that doesn't mean that you aren't happy as well.

Your mom has it right and anyone that tells you otherwise probably isn't a parent themselves and don't understand that you have to grow up and change your priorities.

Answer 4

You have not indicated how important the "traditional" ceremony is to you. If it's not very important - smith the iron while it's hot, get married soon, and get on with building a family and a life together. If the ceremony is of paramount importance - you will have to wait, but I agree with your fiancé: after the baby is born, you won't have much spare time or energy to plan an extravagant wedding. Most likely, you'd have to wait 'til the baby is older, anyway; but then, why not have a small ceremony now, and plan for a nice vow renewal a couple of years down the road? The decision is up to you, I personally would get married sooner rather than later.

Answer 5

If being married before your baby is born is very important to you, than I would recommend having a small, yet elegant ceremony with your close family and friends. You can have an inexpensive ceremony at a chapel, family home, or even historic house/mansion. By only inviting a few guests, you will save on the catering for the reception which typically is your largest expense. Given the circumstance, I'm sure your families will also help with the cost if you keep the cost to a minimum. Then after the baby is born you can have a formal reception with all of your friends and family if it is financial feasible.

Answer 6

My sister is in kinda the same situation. Her and her fiance have been together for something like 5 years. She found out that she was pregnant last August, Baby is due April 29. Well, they weren't actually engaged at the time, but they knew that one day they would get married, just waiting on my sister to get out of school and stuff. Well, after finding out that she was pregnant, he asked her to marry him. They at first wanted to get married before the baby came, but lack of money and time and not wanting to be a fat bride they have decided to wait till after the baby is born. While, my sister isn't waiting the wedding that you are wanting, I think that you should do like her. Plan the wedding for a couple months after the baby. You may not have a really big wedding but you can still plan it to what you want. Just a little scaled down version. With the baby and stuff, your never going to have the big wedding that you might have had if you hadn't gotten pregnant and if you wait to long, your not going to be happy.

Answer 7

Have a ceremony as soon as possible, whether at the courthouse, your home, etc. That will be your wedding ceremony. No need for any other. It may not be a traditional/dream wedding you wanted - but too bad. You HAVE to settle for this, because of the circumstances. Time to put your baby first, and ONLY think of getting ready for him or her. That child deserves the best, and the security of being born into a loving home with married parents.
You need to get yourself matured really FAST and stop thinking that you will regret that big wedding in your head. You won't, because you have to learn to think of other things now, and not only think of yourself and what you want. You are going to be a mom! That carried a LOT of responsibility, and required total unselfishness. Congrats, eh?

Answer 8

I was in your exact situation. I had my son in january of last year. He is now 14 months old and we are getting married in 2 months. The wedding is exactly what i have always wanted and im sooo glad i didnt rush to do it when i was pregnant.

Nurse your baby and save the money you would have spent on formula for the wedding! Also, Im the skinniest ive ever been in my life (a size 2!) and im sure that has alot to do with nursing.

Do what will make YOU happy, dont let anyone pressure or rush you into anything.

Oh, also... i told my fiance I want to be able to have a glass of champagne at my own wedding, can't do that if you're pregnant!

Answer 9

I would have a small wedding ceremony and try to save more money for the baby. A wedding will come and go, but you will have to take care of your baby for at least the next18 years. You dont want to start out doing that in debt from a wedding.

Answer 10

I wouldn't settle for anything less than what you want. I think a civil ceremony now and having the actual event when baby is born is a great idea. Illegitimacy is nothing like it was years ago but still may cause your child to have issues. Also you may forever be disappointed if you settle for anything less than what you dream of. Besides putting it off also gives you more time to plan and having baby be part of the ceremony is just precious. its not like you will get so wrapped up in baby that you'll forget to have a real wedding