Abusive pastor, please give advice.?

Question

I have a friend who is married to a pastor for 32 years. They have a seemingly perfect relationship. He is and always has been a pastor. They are very strictly religous. Do not believe in divorce what so ever. He the pastor, verbally and possibly physically abusses his wife and has done so for many years. She is to the point of cutting herself off to the outside world. She wants conseling he refuses because he could loose his job if any one found out. She stays only because she does not believe in divorce. She will not leave no matter what. She just seems so unhappy. Can any one offer any advice from a relious prospective that could convince her to leave him.

Answer 1

Hi, I'm a Christian and I am studied in the original manuscripts for just over 35 years now;
I am familiar with a lady who has two daughters. When the little girls were ages 3 and 4, it was discovered that her husband was raping them -yes, actually penetrating them.
The younger one almost died as a result; luckily she recovered (psysically). The wife is a strict Catholic, and her husband went to jail for only 8 months; when he was about to get out, she went to her priest and asked him what to do.
The priest told her divorce is a sin, and either she took her husband back, or she went to hell.
She took him back. This meant she had to give up both daughters to a residential care center for wards of the State.
THIS IS NOT BIBLICAL. DIVORCE IS NOT THE SIN; ADULTERY WOULD BE THE SIN IF IT APPLIED. This woman should not have taken the creep back; look, God does not want you to live with an abusive mate - Even God himself divorced Israel for idolatry. Her religion has her in bondage, and God does not put you in bondage - you are free in Christ; If a church system has you in bondage, somebody is lying.
In this case, her church and the pastor of it, also being her husband - all three have let her down. It is more biblical for her to leave that man than it is for her to stay with him. The bastard thinks more of his job than he does her or their marriage, or he would agree to counciling. He's a creep. Just because he's a pastor means nothing. He is certainly not of God. And God will not bless the union with whats going on in it; in fact, God won't bless the congregation/church, either. They are what is called in Hebrew "Beth Aven"; that means "a house of nothing". Its the same with the womans family home - a house of nothing.
Look, you need to get her to listen to you, and you need to tell her that her keeping quiet about this is hurting her church. He is only thinking of himself, not her - and if he isn't even considerate enough to think of his own wife, does she really think he gives a crap about the congregation?? This is very serious, and I tell you that she needs to know that its not only her, but the church that needs to see him gone.
She is doing the entire congregation a dis-service by not revealing this horrific truth. She has a responsibility here, and its a big one. But she needs to be a child of God and do the right thing here. Tell her that God will take her through it, he will stand right by her each and every step of the way. Tell her that God will greatly bless the very fact that she will be saving HIS CHURCH from the fake. I tell you that right now if she does whats right, she would see the very power of God at work right in front of her eyes. Don't you dare let her cut herself off, esspecially from you, okay? Don't allow it.
I had to stop getting emails because somebody sent me a death threat email saying they would cut me into pieces in the bathtub, and my little boy read it - needless to say, I needed to stop getting emails (it was in response to saying that the Bible states the earth is eons and eons old, not only 6000 like ya hear - somebody didn't like that at all). But, here it is, so right it down;
if ya want, email me with more specifics - hey, ya know, there may be a different way you could get this handled......(Godly and legal, of course)but maybe theres a smarter way....
I'm Jan
[e-mail]
email me if ya want, okay?

Answer 2

God does hate divorce but the bible recommends being separated from time to time and I think she needs to at least leave the house. This pastor is obviously not treating his wife like the bible says a husband is to treat his wife. God does hate divorce but it is a reality for so many Christians. Her husband could be under some kind of curse and I want to recommend a book called "10 Blessings That Block The Blessing" by pastor Larry Huch. Pastor Huch was the same way towards his family and he found out that he was under a curse that he got from his father. He had a serious anger problem and was a pastor at the same time but he prayed for the curse to be broken and all his anger went away for good. Your friend should definitely get this book from www.amazon.com.

Answer 3

God never meant for anyone to stay in an abusive relationship, and if this Pastor is abusive he should have his credentials pulled. This man (and I use man loosely here) needs a good slap of reality, if he is abusive at home he is in position to minister to others needs, and God will remove the anointing from him.
His congregation and denomination officials will look a lot more favorable toward him if he seeks help on his own, rather then waiting for it to be exposed from the outside.

What denomination and state are they in?

Pastor Bill

Answer 4

First I would like to commend you for caring about your friend. It's good she has someone she feels she can turn to.

You don't mention what religion they are. But since you say 'pastor', I assume they read the bible.

The bible does speak against divorce. The only grounds for a scriptual divorce (that is that it's okay with God) is if ones marriagepartner commits adultery (have sexual relations with someone else). Then the innocent partner can chose to divorce their mate. (Matt 19:4-6,9)

A wife may, however, chose to separate from her husband if he is so violent that her health and life are in danger.

But it's a separation, with a goal to get back together again. Neither would be free to marry someone else.

In 1 Cor 7:13 it speaks of a husband agreeable living with his wife. However, if he is mistreating her, he is not being agreeable. That is, he is not living in accord with Gods direction for a husband. (Eph 5:25,28,29,33)

So, your friend, may chose to separate from her husband based on those scriptures. It is her choice and no one should do it for her. If she choses to stay with him, that is her choice too.

If that is the case, my encouragement to you is to continue being an emotional support for her by simply listening and ensuring her that she is loved and valuable.

She can also respectfully continue encouraging her husband to examine the scriptures to see how God feels about abusive behavior.

She can also help him to understand how unhappy she is and how she yearns to feel happy - with him. (If this is how she feels)

All the best !

Answer 5

Tell her to contact a counselor from New Life. They are christian counselors, and while they aren't big on divorce I'm pretty sure they'll recommend she separate from a physically abusive husband.

http://www.newlife.com/

Frankly, I think she should warn him that she'll call the cops if he abuses her physically again. If he does, she could call them and let the chips fall where they may. God will survive it and so will the faith of true God fearing people at the church.

Answer 6

Pray for her and with her. It is NEVER God's will for someone to be in an abusive relationship. Her husband is supposed to love her as Christ loves the church. Christ doesn't abuse the church.
He loves and cherishes his bride. She doesn't necessarily have to run out and divorce him immediately but maybe you could possibly help her with a safe place to stay while counseling/prayer or work on their relationship is taking place. God is not for divorce but we must always be led by the Holy Spirit and not be legalistic. As I said, God isn't for abuse either.
It isn't the will of God for someone to stay in an abusive relationship. He can always be trusted to provide a safe place. After 32 years, the thought of leaving may scare her but she already has a good friend like you to be there for her. Maybe you could show her these scriptures: Eph. 5:27-30
And again, pray for her and her marriage.

Answer 7

I don't think you should interfere. She is obviously living up to her religious convictions and that is her choice. How do you know her life would be better if she left him? There may be more to the story than she has told you about. Let her make her own choice. Divorce is hell no matter how bad the marriage is.

Added: You say she "may possibly" be physically abused by him. You just don't know. You should be there for her and give advice if she asks but you really don't know enough about the situation to advise her to leave him. What if they can work it out?

Answer 8

If he is the pastor of an established denomination, take it up with one of his peers (like at a nearby church.)

If he's a member of an unaffiliated or unorganized church, there is nothing you can do except report the physical abuse if you see evidence for it....except, maybe, maybe, speak to someone who has a high view of the pastor in the community....maybe.

To do nothing may be worse than stopping it.

Answer 9

Ask her would God be happy with the way her husband is treating her? No, He wouldn't right? So why should she be satisfied with living with a abusive man? Would God really want her to live surrounded by sin committed by her husband? I hope she finds the strength to leave.

Answer 10

If this man is so abusive, he should not be a pastor! He should be reported to his church and the only way to that is take up a petition!