My girlfriend is COLD. She is very unresponsive sometimes, and I do my best to make our relationship fun. She never makes any suggestions. I mean, I make ALL the choices about where we should go, what we should do, etc. I give her ample opportunity (i.e I ask her what SHE wants to do), but all she likes to do is sit around sometimes, or she'll say, "I don't care." That is a whole other story. She is very unaffectionate physically, and well, altogether. She just doesn't seem happy to see me when I come home, etc, BUT she does love me. She has a daughter, and I am always there for them when they need me. We are moving in together soon. She never kisses me or initiates physical contact. I've talked to her about this, and she apologized from the bottom of her heart and said that she will make more of an effort, but she hasn't. Should I flip the tables and stop showing her affection, or should I continue kissing her and showing her that she is loved? I hate mind games.
2007-03-02 06:20:47 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I'd think twice, no three times about moving in with her if THAT'S the way it is between you NOW. Intimacy will not get better between you both when you move in together, the situation will only get worse.
Flipping the tables will not work, playing mind games will not make her responsive.
The way she is may well be part of her personality - either accept it and her or move on to another relationship. Some people are normally very shy sexually and emotionally very reticent, allowing others to lead them. That whatever the other person wants is OK with them. They are just happy being with them and are not fussy or ask much of the other person.
It might be that there is something in her background that caused some emotional trauma, child abuse, rape or incest, for instance to have caused her sexual non-responsiveness.
Love is patient, love is kind, if you love her, be that way toward her. Perhaps with time, she will respond to you in kind. Give you and her time to work this out before you commit yourselves.
2007-03-02 06:37:47 · answer #1 · answered by midnightlydy 6 · 7⤊ 0⤋
I don't think she is playing mind games.
I think she may have a problem with intimacy. I doubt she is not being affectionate because she wants to mess with you. Most likely she feels insecure for some reason. Or she may just have other things on her mind.
As for you making all the decisions, I have the same exact problem with my husband. What I have started doing is telling him that I have too much on my mind, or too much stress and I need him to make some of the decisions or take some of the responsibility from me. You may try this with her. Or give her a "challenge" to plan an evening all by herself without your help.
I would also get the book "Getting the Love you Want" or "Finding the Love you Need". They are both excellent at explaining the pitfalls in relationships.
Again, try not to see her as the enemy. She may just have some hang ups.
2007-03-02 06:28:26 · answer #2 · answered by DeeGee 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had that problem myself except that my bf thought that I was being cold and that I won't initiate physical contact. It was the same situation with us. The reason I was like that wasn't because I hate him or don't want to be with him, it was because, I wasn't feeling that comfortable. I was insecure on how he would react. I was afraid of rejection. It was crazy to feel like that and still today I'm not sure why I felt that way but I got over it and I started to completely relax around him. Now we are both on the same page. So, I'm guessing that she might be feeling insecure about herself. I don't think that you should at all pull away from her because that might make things worse. keep showing her that you love her, maybe you are too serious. Try to be more silly, whatever you can do to make her feel more comfortable. When my bf did that, I felt much closer to him and open up. Now we are closer then we have ever been.
2007-03-02 06:39:33 · answer #3 · answered by N 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being that you've asked the variation of this question many times, I would suggest seeking professional counseling. Why do you have such trouble accepting your partner the way they are? I betcha she won't even notice if you stop showing her "affection", as it sounds like her need for affection is not very high (if anything, she would probably be happy you have backed off and given her some room to breathe). I'm sorry, but it's starting to sound like you're the one with the personality problem, not her. Try to deal with your own issues before pointing fingers at someone else.
2007-03-02 06:28:31 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My oppinion is that you shouldnt move in with this girl....I realize that you might love her....but everyone deserves to feel that love in return...I think that if you had allready explained the problem to her and she still hasnt made any prgress then take a break from the relationship becuz you deserve to have someone that is crayz about you....and loves to show it....and get excited to be with you.. Im just a person that loves PDA "public dispay of a affection" so if its not in a relationship im gone....so i hope this helps a little bit
XXOO
2007-03-02 06:27:57 · answer #5 · answered by sugurnspice01 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't look at it as a mind game. Some people men or women have problems showing affection or being decisive. That is just who she is. Maybe instead of asking her what she wants do do give her a choice. Do you want to do A or B, this way maybe it will be easier for her to decide. Good luck w/ everything!:)
2007-03-02 06:26:22 · answer #6 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No mind games...that will complicate things more. Either this is something that you can accept about her or this is something you cannot live with. If you can't live with it then you need to get out before you become a father to her little girl. If this is something you can come to accept as a part of who she is now, then I wouldn't change anything. I think you should continue to let her know she's loved...just be sure that you're ok with not getting affection.
2007-03-02 06:25:48 · answer #7 · answered by aguardiente_blkr 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
trust me when I say that you're walking into a real headache if you move in with that one. Sounds to me like a classic case of chick-avoidance...
She wants to break up with you, have no "ballz" - for lack of a better phrase - to do so and therefore is trying to push you away in hopes you'll take the clue-card and split. She'll never tell you, probably even deny it .. while all the while continuing to make your life more and more miserable. It's kind of creepy...
2007-03-02 06:31:33 · answer #8 · answered by arjo_reich 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She may love you but it doesn't sound as if she is "in love" with you. Someone in love doesn't act this way.
She also sounds as if she has some things weighing on her mind and she may be with you because it is just plain nice to be wanted.
If I were you I wouldn't rush into moving her in. I don't believe she is playing mind games with you but I also don't believe she is being completely honest with you or herself for that matter.
She could also be depressed.. Look up the symptoms on depression, If she has some of them show her what you found. Then try to get her to get some help
2007-03-02 06:30:59 · answer #9 · answered by Stormy Knight 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
whoa, if it is not working out now what makes you think it will work tomorrow? has she always been cold? do you know? if you expect a certain something in a relationship, and it's not happening, when you *up the relationship* what makes you think it will change? how many times *up* do you have to preform to get the right response? lotta questions here? don't play games. try to always be from the heart, and you cannot go wrong.
2007-03-02 06:32:21 · answer #10 · answered by tgdjm 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋