I need some advice?

Question

First of all if you are going to give me smart @ss advice dont bother. I don't need to hear it.

Awhile back I dated a girl that I actually fell in love with. I made plans to marry her after I was done with college so I had some education under my belt.

Then she cheated on me. When I asked her about it she denied it obviously. I now know that she did it but she continues to lie and deny it. She has got everyone around her beleiving she has done nothing wrong and that I am the one at fault.

Now I can't help but feel anger towards her everytime I see her. I can't stand to look at her much less talk to her. Although I have tried before, she just continues to deny it. It has shattered my heart and I am lost on how to deal with these feelings I am having.

Please if anyone can give me some advice of anysort to help me it would be much appreciated.

Answer 1

For a hurting heart perhaps there is no cure... But rest easy in the knoledge that you are right. She may be more manipulative and therefore easily convincing people you are in the wrong....
Planning to marry her was a very big step, and from the sounds of it i can see that it was way too big a step to take. I realise that you do know this so I do not want to tell you a should have type of answer....
My suggestion is to allow yourself to feel anger towards her and anything else you feel.
Most people seek to deal with their problems in the most efficient way and you are no exception. It sounds to me as though you seek peace and closure about this matter, and that had she confessed it would be easier for you to deal with. Since she has not and probably never intends to there is no reason for you to hold on to the anger you feel. You will always feel that if you do not win this 'argument'.
I believe you are right and in this all you have done no wrong. I cannot take away any anger but i can comfort you in telling you that this will weigh heavy on her conscience. She has been disloyal and untrustworthy and despite saying the opposite she also knows the truth. The people who are caught in her deception are also victims and its important to remember this because they are trying to trust her. This may help her feel more comfortable but she will still have to feel guilt for her crimes against you. This guilt is your friend and should comfort you because it is the balance to her actions. No matter how bad it gets and if everyone the both of you ever knew believed in her and not you, the more the guilt would destroy her. The more lies she will tell and the less trustworthy she will be.

The greatest thing that has come of this is that you know the whole truth and in your innocence you can easily identify her guilt, this is essentail knowledge about this woman and it is fantastic that you did not marry her and find this out later.
I hope for your sake that the pain is not too much to bear and you can continue to function as though you never needed her. I believe that you will find a beautiful woman to fill this void if you look for her, she along with your friends can trust you and you need not worry about the lies being told by this adulterous woman...

Best wishes for you friend...

Answer 2

First of all, are you sure that she cheated? As far as I am concerned there are only three things that can prove this. Either she told you, you saw it, or you have pictures of it.

People can misunderstand or outright lie, most evidence can be misunderstood or even planted (if someone is trying to break you up). Have you actualy sat down with her and discussed why you think she cheated on you (ie. without yelling and blanket accusations be thrown around)? Has she had a chance to explain?

Now I don't know what evidense you have and quite frankly I don't want to know, but think about this. This is a person that you were willing to marry, which ought to be a person that you can trust. So, which to you trust more, her or the evidence that you have?

If after all of this, you still believe that she cheated on you and she still denies it then there is no real point in continuing the relationship. If you were to decide that there is not enough proof to believe it then there would be no problem. If she were willing to admit that she had done it then there would be a chance to make the relationship work. But if you continue to think that she did it and she continues to deny it then either you have a significant lack of trust in her or she is willing to lie to you instead of looking wrong. Neith can be at the foundation of a healthy relationship.

I hope the best for you.

Answer 3

I am very sorry to hear about your pain. It is one of the biggest betrayals when your loved one cheats on you. For many people it's impossible to get past it and move forward. But that is exactly what you have to do. To let this deflate your self worth and trust in other's is not fair to yourself. Whether she ever admits it or not is besides the point. You know in your heart that she betrayed you. Take it from there. Maybe right now, the best thing for you is to do what you can to avoid any time around her? The anger you feel is very normal. You will experience a whole series of emotions over the next several months, all very normal. At one point you may begin to question whether or not it was your fault that she strayed. Keep in mind, it was not your fault! You'll bounce from being angry, to jealous, to sad, to angry again and so forth. This is all part of the healing process. What I want you to do, is every day at least once, run off a list in your head about your strengths. Tell yourself why you are a good person. Remind yourself that this too will pass. I promise you, it will. There's no quick remedy, or solution. Your heart has to mend itself. This sometimes takes time. It might also help to know, that she didn't cheat because she's horrible person, or there was something wrong with you. In fact just the opposite. She's very likely a wonderful person, and probably cares very deeply for you. She found herself in a situation that she couldn't handle. She made a terrible choice. Maybe she suffers from feelings of insecurity within herself? Either way, I'm sure she feels terrible and wishes she could take it back. But she's not ready to admit to herself or anyone else for that matter, that she did something so awful. One day she will. If not to you, at least to herself. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Do what makes you happy. Redirect your feelings into something productive.

I wish you all the best here, and I am confident that you will come out of this a more knowleagable person and stronger.

Answer 4

Go out and mingle, enjoy yourself, treat yourself for wanting to get an education before you committed to anyone because that was a mature and grown-up thing to do. Congrats on that. Don't blame yourself at all because she obviously did not see the type of man you really are and if she did and still slept with someone else then she is not the committing kind. You seam intelligent enough to know what to do with yourself and you don't need others to tell you what to do next only you truly now whats best for you. You are young enough to go out there to public gatherings and meet someone who would appreciate you. Since you are feeling so much anger towards her then stay clear of her and if that's impossible to do then tell yourself "It's her loss". Perhaps she will end up with an uneducated man and get pregnant before marriage because its obvious that she couldn't wait for you.

You're not alone nor the first one this has ever happened to because it happens way more times than you can count.

Enjoy your life, it's too short to waste wallowing in the past.

Answer 5

I've been where you are dude. My ex and I were together for 3 years before she cheated on me. Depending on how old you are, I'd suggest you don't get into dating right away. Give yourself time to heal the pain. Focus on other aspects of your life like education, a career. Do things that take your mind off her and things that calm you. Most importantly break all ties with this woman, no good can come of this. If you take her back, she will continue cheating. If your so called friends believe her so be it, at no cost do you take her back, your friends won't be suffering the heartache you go through when she does it again. You will eventually be ready to start dating again. Just give yourself time to round yourself in a better individual.

Answer 6

I personally think that it is time for you to forget about her (and the bad feelings you have for her as well) and move on to someone that will appreciate you and love you for who you are! The fact that you have an education is a bonus, especially if it will make you some major $$ in the future. Stop trying to get this girl to admit to something that you already know is the truth. She has not admitted to it by now means she will not admit to it later! Your heart will slowly heal over time, and if you had someone else to spend your time with that you find pleasurable to be with, your heart will heal that much faster, and you will forget whats-her-name even sooner!! Good luck!

Answer 7

I truly believe deceit is very unhealthy in any relationship. I can only remcommend that you try to move on to someone who can appreaciate the person that you are. You are standing your ground on this issue (which I hope you have definite concrete evidence on), so it shows you have integrity for what you truly believe in. Even if she now confesses to you, the damage has been done. She has hurt you in ways which will take A LOT to mend or recover from. Trust is the biggest issue which you will need to heal from, whether it is from this woman or from the next one which you "will" find. Deep in your mind and heart, she has already been lost from such actions you are feeling and showing. Find someone else and try to replace this lost love. It will be painful for a while, but the next love is only strengthened by this one. Do what you can to get her out of your mind and heart to ready for a happier love to come!

Good luck =) (we have faith in your gentlemanly qualities)

Answer 8

Man get back in the mix, even if ya hooked back up with her you have to much past to have a future. Chances r u will never fully be able trust her again (regardless of what she's actually doing). If she is trustworthy and you playing that jealous weak minded bit it gonna f-ck sh*t up for everyone involved. Move on put her behind you ( you dont get your sea legs till a heartbreak anyway)
and dont that guy man, there's plenty as it is.

Answer 9

So how do you know that she cheated on you? Did you walk in on her or did someone tell you? That feeling of someone you love so much cheating on you is one of the worst feelings if not the worst. I would try to take a long vacation from her to deal with your feelings and decide what is best for you. If you resent her now, you could find yourself resenting her forever and that is not fair to you or her. If she cannot fess up to her adultery then she will never be honest. Do you want to be with someone who cheats on you and are they even a waist of your time?

Answer 10

How can she deny it if you have certain evidence? Are you sure of your evidence? If you are, then she is lying to you and that kills a relationship whether she likes it or not, or whether you do or not. Sorry to say. If you are right, then the damage is done and you should start moving out of the damage zone and into a healing zone, ie with someone else, or even no one else for a little while.