Did I fell in love with the wrong guy??? (please read and tell me what you think)?

Question

Have you ever heard of people from disfunctional backgrounds falling in love with people from similar disfunctional backgrounds?
Well, my father was alchoholic so he was a pretty absent father, then he sexually abused me once when I was only 7 or 8, he commited suicide later. My mom became emotionally distant and very controlling after this.

Well I met this guy who at first I didnt care much for, but then after a period of friendship I deeply fell in love with him, after a while I discovered from conversations that he had pretty absent parents, and that the was sexually abused by a stranger. I have a feeling we liked each other so much cause we understood each other very well becasue of similar backgrounds.

At the end I didnt date him but Ive always wondered if it was actaully good because we may have end up struggling to make a relationship work with the similar traumas and missing pieces of our childhoods.

Answer 1

This is very common. Until you get counseling concerning your abusive background, you will continue to 'repeat history'. We tend to put ourselves back in a similar situation in which we were brought up. Unconsciously, trying to "undo" what was wrong. Which will not happen. You need to get into some sort of counseling to overcome the abuse that occurred or it WILL be repeated.

Answer 2

I personally believe that no matter what background one has lived has anything to do with others. For example in your case you father was a certain way, and not only because of that you will be the same as he was, instead you see his mistakes therefore you know what he did wrong and you know what not to do. People learn from experiences and others just use their experience and blame it on others. This person who your talking about might have been good for you because you guys understood eachother, and you might have struggled with a relationship, but seems there was a lot of understanding and therefore it could work out. Hope it helps. *_*

Answer 3

I personally don't think that you fell in love with this guy. I think he was more of a companion and you were his too. It seemed like that you two needed somebody to relate to and to talk about your similarities of problems back then in your childhood. I think you were right what you said in the last paragraph. I think you guys have helped out your relationship already for you guys and for everyone that you guys do date in the near future. I'm not pscychologist or therapist but you guys were the shoulder to lean on when you had problems bout your past and how to cope with it now. I think that was good that you guys were there for each other, helping each other out and loaning an ear.

Answer 4

I fill that just because your parents and his parents had some bad situations when they were coming up don't mean you and his relationship was going to turn out the same. Things could have been for the best between you and him so if you have feelings for this guy and he likes you why not have a relationship, as long as you both come together and make it work, then you have sparks flying.

Answer 5

I've been taught that you are tend to etiher attract to what you are used to or the types of parents who raised you. You are a product of your environment so to say. My guess is though, even though you had this attraction to this person, it may not have lasted as long as you might think. I've dated men who were like my dad (verbally abusive) and it made me realize I didn't have to put up with that anymore and meet men who weren't like that. The men that were like that, the relationships didn't last long because of that and they had other issues compounded to the original one (player, control freak, etc) So I stayed out of the dating scene for a long time, to get to know who I am, understand my wants and needs and be happy with myself before I was willing to "meet" anyone else, so I could tell the difference between what I liked and didn't like.

It was also a comfort level I think for you to meet someone in the same situation you were in. Just to bring this up because it helped me, is therapy. It helped me understand and come to terms of "putting up with behavior" that I didn't need to and move on. Even if you're over it but not had therapy, I would still suggest it, just to give you another viewpoint on things =) It shows you how strong you are. Good luck and keep me posted!

Answer 6

I really believe we do not choose who we love. Call me corny but I really think people come in and out of our lives for a reason, even if they are bad or good. In one way or another they teach us life lessons, and make us grow and become stronger.
I think it can be extra supportive being with someone who is alike in back round. Its also helpful to have someone to relate to. When someone knows what it is like to have absent parents, and other similar problems, they know how sensitive you can be, and how you feel about certain things.

Don't give up on love.

Answer 7

If at any point you feel good about him and never had a chance to feel low in his presence... then he was the right guy...... And about making a life together.... forget the past ... everyone goes through a bad past it does not mean you have to frame your future on your "hurting" past.

Try getting in touch with him again if you still have such a feeling and ask him how he felt about you. Good Luck!!

Answer 8

Im sorry about your bad childhood . I don;t think people r attracted because of thier backgrounds although you may find some common ground but I don;t think it plays a part in the mix....

Answer 9

It sounds to me like you have become distant friends but that you wish it was something more. Depending on how long it has been you may now be able to answer this question better yourself. Rekindle your friendship and see how the cards lay.

Answer 10

You feel comfortable with him because of similar backgrounds. You need to dat someone with a normal background, to help you find normalcy.