Who wants 10 points?

Question

Tell me something really funny. Make me Roll on the Floor Laughing Out Loud.

To make this a real challenge here are some rules:
Nothing Anti-Religious
Nothing Sexist
Nothing Racist
No put downs (towards anybody)

Answer 1

I want you to cut down a tree with a herring!

Answer 2

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN?

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON=
THE INCIDENT.



A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (With monthly payment=
s of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin It's mid-winter; and=
of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice wit=
h their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water for the duck=
s to focus on, something for the decoys to float in. Now making a hole in t=
he ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more=
power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the=20=
new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our=
two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to ru=
n away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator=
), decide on the following course of action: They light the 40 second fuse;=
then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as=
possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGAT=
OR, The GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVIN=
G; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: The dog takes off=20=
across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with=
the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in=20=
their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the=
dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming=
.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun i=
s loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.The dog st=
ops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on.

Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really conf=
used and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.The men=20=
continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touche=
s the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes=
off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving=
the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" loo=
ks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by Illegal=20=
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make=
the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. . .doing fine.

Answer 3

Little Johnny was in class one day and the teacher pulled out a bag. She said that she wanted the kids to reach in the bag and tell her what they thought they were feeling of. Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher didn't call on him, she called suzie to come up to the frontof the room, she put her hand in the bag and said it feels like a banana, the teacher said you are wrong, it's a squash, but, I like the way you're thinking, the next little girl came up to the front and Jophnny couldn't stand it, he still had his hand inthe air from the first time, the little girl put her hand in the bag and said she felt an apple, the teacher said no, it's a tomato,but, I like the way you're thinking. Little johnny by this time was standing in his chair and jumping up and down saying I have one, it's my turn, the teacher looked at johnny and said, okay, Johnny, what do you want to say, he said, I have my hand in my pocket and I feel some thing hard and round with a head on it, the teacher said Johnny, I can't believe you , Johnny said it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking...

Answer 4

When I was a freshman in High School one day I was telling some friends about a song by John Entwistle that was on his new album. The song was called "Peg Leg Peggy" and had the line "when it comes to dancin she's the queen, she sounds just like a sewing machine. Peg leg Peggy she really knows how to hop!"

I was singing that line to my friends when a teacher I didn't know walked past. I got slammed onto a months detention and my folks were called in. The teacher? Her name was Miss Wood, she had a prosthetic leg. Her first name? Yep, Peggy. Peggy Wood, her name was Peggy Wood. I felt so awful and embarrassed, but thinking about it it is funny.

You can find that song on YouTunes by the way.

Answer 5

A farmer cought the boy from down the road with his daughter and said I'm going to shoot you. The daughter said please don't do it he is a nice boy. So the farmer said alright but you better get out of here before I change my mind. So the boy started running down the road and was so happy He started to yodel. I dee oh ladee hoo. The farmer then shot the boy, The daughter asked why did you shoot him. He said didn't you hear what he said. And she said yes he was yodeling and said I dee oh ladee hoo. The farmer said oh, I thought he said I did your old lady too.

Answer 6

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

or

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."


or

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."

"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

or

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

and finally

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's ****.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Answer 7

Laugh at the same thing that made you laugh when you rolled on the floor laughing out loud.... hahahahahahahaha...( i know something that's funny I just made up a joke but I forgot what i said).

Answer 8

This is about my sister and she said I can type this. This one day my sister was eating with a plastic fork and she ate part of the fork it was so funny. We thought about how it would get out of her body. She almost cried because she thought she was going to die. She is fine now. LOL Hope you think this is as funny as I think it is. Have a good day.

Answer 9

A bear and a rabbit are sitting in the woods taking a s..t
the bear looks over at the rabbit and asks " Do you have a problem with s..t sticking to your fur?"
the rabbit looks up and says " no sure don't !"
the bear says "good!"
grabs the rabbit and wipes his a**

Answer 10

bananas are funny just look at the them for a while and i am positive a smile will appear on ur face then u will be so suprised it worked that u will just start laughing....lol