My mom died when I was 9. The pain never went away and always stayed in my heart, no matter how much I've tried to ignore and get over the pain, it seemed to follow me over the years. Now, as a 20 yr old adult I still have "issues" about mother and daughter relationships. It hurts everytime I see a mother and daughter together and I try to do anything I can to get away from it b4 I cry. From what I've been told it's called, "motherless-daughter syndrome." My bf's aunt invited me to go to her daughter's 1st b-day tomorrow. I don't know if I can do it. I feel so out-of place at happy family gatherings. I didn't want to tell my bf how I feel because I don't think he can understand. I only cried for my mother once, and he told me to "suck it up, and get over it." (Although his mom is still alive) Ever since I kept the pain to myself. What should I do?
2007-03-02 02:14:14 · 23 answers · asked by onli420 1 in Health ➔ Mental Health
Suck it up?!? Sorry, dear, but if he cannot be there for you for a moment like that, he will most certainly not understand or sympathize with other emotional barriers and will only further hurt your feelings if you stay with him.
Thank him for the good times you had, explain that you two are not compatible because you need someone who is sensitive to your feelings, and then break it off.
I also suggest you seek counseling to help you put your pain to some kind of rest. That's a lot of burden to try and carry with you for the rest of your life.
2007-03-02 04:19:55 · answer #1 · answered by thezaylady 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is hard when we lose a parent, but never so hard as when we lose one young. I can tell you though, that this kind of long term pain can be damaging to your health. It is important to grieve and it is important to release the pain.
It can be helpful to remember that everything happens for a reason - there is something that you can learn from this situation that you could never learn any other way. Perhaps it will help you be a more devoted mother yourself, or maybe you can really value the time you spend with loved ones because you know the time maybe short. Whatever the reason, don't minimize your situation by staying in the grief stage and not getting the lesson that you are supposed to learn from this. You must live life to the fullest and participate in all sorts of relationships.
To help release the pain and any anger you may have, it can be very helpful to do visualizations. Sit quietly for 3-5 minutes and form a clear picture in your mind of your mother. See her happy, loving and at peace. See the 2 of you together, try to get a sense that the love that you shared is still there and strong. Feel yourself uplifted. It can be hard at first, but dilligent practice (1 or 2 times a day) can help you see results in a very short time.
I think it is very insensitive for your boyfriend to say such a thing to you, but I will say that men sometimes just don't know how to be sensitive. This is something you will do better to talk to your girlfriends or even your bf's aunt or mother. These women may be able to help you get your feelings out and come to terms with them, allowing you to move on.
If you don't feel good about going to the party, don't - but spend the time instead on trying to get over this issue in your life.
Peace!
2007-03-02 10:28:27 · answer #2 · answered by carole 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Suck it UP?!?! Is he really that heartless????? We all need to grieve when we suffer loss, and you lost something very special and irreplacable. You have a RIGHT to cry! I can't believe he would tell you that. He should be supporting and caring, and provide a shoulder to cry on.
After so many years, I have no idea how much damage has been done. You might want to find someone to be a mother-figure for you. This should have happened 11 years ago, but perhaps a short time with an older female will help. Perhaps a church elder? Your bf's mother would have been ideal if he hadn't acted so incredibly insensitive. My heart goes out to you. Best wishes.
2007-03-02 10:32:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
1. If this gathering is that difficult for you, don't go. "I have to work" is always a good excuse. As a last resort, cancel about an hour before and say you're sick.
2. Take a couple of days off and devote them to crying in your bed. Watch movies like Terms of Endearment, Steel Magnolias, The Titanic, Fried Green Tomatoes, Raising Helen, Stepmom.
You'll not get over this until you just go through bawling your eyes out and be done with it. Write a letter to your Mom, then burn it.
3. Ditch the boyfriend. He's an insensitive, selfish, condescending jerk, and if he told you to suck it up about your Mom, I'm betting this isn't the only time he's treated you crappy.
2007-03-02 10:31:57 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should speak with someone who will listen and understand you; someone who can gently walk you through the process of healing. Like you said, 'the pain never went away...'. So, the healing never began. Healing needs to take place before you can move on. Did you mourn for you mother when you were younger? Or did you keep it in? One other thing, your "bf" telling you to 'suck it up, and get over it' is appalling to me. He obviously does not understand nor does he have a mature heart. If he did, he would have said something else and offered to you some help. I would like to say that you are ok. This is not an unusual thing. However, you should seek help.
I wish you the best!
2007-03-02 10:24:40 · answer #5 · answered by Goober W 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would tell him that you understand that it would be in your best interest to "suck it up and get over it" however you're unsure if you could manage that before the party and if not, there stands the possibility you could end up making a scene.
I also think you should tell the aunt why you have this concern. It's what right for her to hear it from you so she doesn't think you're being rude or callous. It will also go a LONG++ way towards helping you heal because the more people who understand that truth about you and accept you despite it the more you'll accept yourself and stop defining yourself by it.
::shrug::
In my humble opinion anyways...
2007-03-02 10:30:09 · answer #6 · answered by arjo_reich 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just because your mother died it doesnt mean that she stopped being with you, you carry her every where you go in your heart and i think you upset her by being upset. She wouldnt want you to miss out on having a fun time nor would she want to see you crying all the time. i know that you don't have your mum to talk to but - and you might think that this sounds silly, but you can write her letters and place them in a special box.... any time you feel upset or remember a fun time that you and your mum had together or even just to tell her how your day went, place the box under your bed and she might viit you in your dreams to help you feel happy again, she really wouldn't want you to be upset. I think that you should go to the party because life is going to be full of happy family moments and one day even your own children wil come along..... you need to start getting used to these events and the emotions that it stirs up......... and where your boyfriend is concerned you tell him to suck it up and get over you if hes not prepared to help you through the difficult times, you need to talk to him about your mum more just memories and stuff and the more you talk about her the easier it will become to talk about her
2007-03-02 10:30:37 · answer #7 · answered by pinkchampagne 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Definetly don't "suck it up and get over it." I think that could have been the most insensitive, most perfectly wrong thing for your boyfriend to say!! First, you need to tell him to eff off next time he says something like that, especially about how you feel and expecially when you are talking about your mother that is no longer with us. I think you should cry girl- get it all out! visit your momma's resting place and go talk to her. I bet she will listen. Obvously, your boyfriend doesn't. And don't feel like you have to go the the 1st birthday either. If you can't handle it emotionally, then don't put yourself through that. There will be other birthdays. . .
2007-03-02 10:26:01 · answer #8 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This may sound silly but....there are people who are subconsciously attracted to people with what a lot of your other answerers are calling "issues". I admire your strength. I only recently lost my father and both he was and my mother is well into their eighties. That was hard enough. Look at this realistically. You have the strength to put up with an insensitive fool of a boyfriend and still be alive to your true feelings. Despite what you have been through, not because of it.
2007-03-02 10:34:25 · answer #9 · answered by mark h 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
thats was mean of ur bf 2 tell u 2 suck it up and get over it. it realy was. my grandpa when i was 9 and i find it helps 2 just cry and let it out. well i am only 13 but anyways
u should go u cant put ur life on hold 4 ever.
2007-03-02 10:20:00 · answer #10 · answered by 707 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋