Should I show my 4 and 2 year old their dead grandma at her funeral?

Question

My mom died pretty suddenly Feb 26 2007, I have been doing my best to explain to my children about grandma dieing and going up to heaven. My four year old doesn't seem to really grasp the concept of death, but she realizes that Grandma is not around anymore. My 2 year old doesn't understand at all. What do I do? If I show them I'm afraid they will try to wake her up and that will be so hard for me to see, and another worry is will they have dreams about it? PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Answer 1

Show them....I mean death is a part of life. It's better they get used to it now. I mean everyone they know is eventually gonna die.

Answer 2

I took my three year old son to 3 family funerals this past summer. I was extremely wary at first, but a friend mentioned that having a child at the funeral can give people hope for the future, and can take away some of the sorrow.

I also remember going to my grandfathers funeral when I was 6, which mean my brother would have been 4 and my sister was 2. We came in with our mom, and saw the body, and after a minute or two and seeing friends and realitives, a babysitter took us outside to play.

I suggest that you bring the children with you. If you are religious, explain that while grandma's body is here her spirit is with Jesus. They won't completely understand, but that will also take out the confusion about her sleeping, and they will be les likely to try to wake her up. Also, because this is your mother and you will need the funeral to grieve and talk to friend and family, I suggest you hire a sitter to come to the funeral if you do decide to bring the children. This way the sitter can walk around or play with them if they become restless.

Answer 3

I know a lot of people say kids shouldn't be at the funeral home and I agree to some point. When my grandma died, my kids were very close to her as well. They knew she died and somewhat understood it. They asked a lot of questions, which was hard for me, but I wanted them too. After long discussion with my mom and hubby, we allowed the girls to come to the wake for about 30 minutes. They both wanted to see her body and they surprised me really. The put their flowers on her and blew her a kiss. They were I believe barely 4 & 5 years old. They didn't act out in anyway, weren't obnoxious or in the way. They actually helped people it seemed. To this day, they still remember it and ask to go to her grave all the time. I did not allow them to go to the funeral though, I needed that time to break down without my kids watching.
To be honest, I think it is your call. The 2 year old, I don't think I would be to sure. The 4 year old, it all has to do with her maturity. If you think she can handle it or if she's asking, then arrange to have them come on right at the beginning of the wake when not a lot of people are there or when it is reserved for immediate family only. I am truly sorry for your loss.

Answer 4

My mother died when my kids were 3 and 5 and I did take them to the funeral and did it all with them. This is why. A great uncle (that we were close to) died about 6 months before hand and we did not do the funeral and cemetery. This left my two kids very confused. They were missing a huge time frame from death to our visit to the grave site on Memorial day. The had far too many questions and could never put in the missing pieces. I did not want this to happen to my kids with grandma. So I took them to the viewing privately with my husband. We sat with them and talked about it all and answered a lot of questions. My daughter (3) even wanted to touch her we let her. It is all part of the process. I am not saying it was easy but in the end they questions were far fewer and they seemed at peace with the whole situation. Yes they are young but we cannot forget that they just like adults have questions and feelings and need closure too. Unfortunately death is part of life and it is something that they will deal with from this day forward (a pet, friend, family member) all we can do is teach young ones and support them unfortunately we cannot shelter them from this part of their lives.

Answer 5

No, I wouldn't do that. They don't understand and seeing a dead body wouldn't help that. Just keep reinforcing that grandma is in heaven. Eventually they will get it. My daughter was only 1 1/2 when my father died. She is 7 now and she is finally grasping what death is. I have pictures of him around, so she knows who he is, and she understands what happened now.
My 5 year old is beginning to get it too. He's still not sure what it is, but he knows that when something dies it's gone.

I was 4 when my grandpa died. My parents took me to the funeral. I can still remember seeing him in the casket wondering why he wouldn't get up and I touched his hand and I remember thinking he's so cold we need to cover him up to get him warm. I also didn't understand why people were crying.

Answer 6

First, I am very sorry for your loss and applaud you for being considerate of how this is affecting your children. You really are the best person to answer this question. You know your children and their maturity best. As for me, I would take them with me to the funeral, but beforehand, try again to explain what has happened and what is going on. I don't think I would take them to the coffin though. Let them remember their Grandma as a lovely, vibrant woman. If the funeral is grave-side, then you might not want to take them. My son had a horrible time understanding that they were lowering his granddaddy into this hole and he wouldn't be able to get out.

Answer 7

No, I don't think so, you are right they don't really have a full concept of death. Unless you have been going to church regularly they really don't have a concept of heaven either. ( I say this not in any rude way, not saying you don't go to church. My children and I just started going regularly and before that I thought they understood Jesus, God and heaven but they really didn't ) I don't think children that age should see crying and people upset, they don't understand where those emotions are coming from and it might scare them. This is your choice, but I don't think so. Do your best not to dwell on it, since children are very curious about things, just do what you did, and try to relive the happy memories. Good luck.

Answer 8

My son was that age when my close uncle died. Since everyone was going to the funeral, I had to take him along since the service was out of state. The funeral was in a church and the coffin was at the altar. Suddenly, my son asked why Uncle J was in a piano. He really did not understand the concept of death.


If I had to do this again, I would have sent him to daycare during the funeral.

Answer 9

Im very sorry for your loss. I honestly think that your children are too young. thats a question that only you will know. It might scare your 4 year old and as you said, your 2 year old might try and wake her up. mabey you can get a sitter for the wake. then the kids can attend the actual funeral, since the caskett is mostly closed. that way they arent missing out on saying goodbye compleatly. you will be busy at the funeral so mabey ask your sitter to attend as well. she can help with the kids.

Answer 10

I'm very sorry about your mother. My feeling is that a funeral with an open casket might be too much for them. Also, think of what's going to be easier for you. No one would blame you if you leave them with a babysitter. When my father died, my brother told my nephew (then 4) that grandpa's going to be watching over you from heaven, making sure you're ok, just as if you have your own tv show just for grandpa to watch, and my nephew seemed to understand that.

Answer 11

Yes you should. My mother suddenly died in her sleep when my son was 2. After her funeral (which he did not attend and have to sit through) his dad brought him to me at the funeral home and he saw" grammy". It didn't really seem to phase him. He just wanted to "close the lid" as he said. At 2 he really didn't understand, but we knew it affected him because he didn't talk to my dad (his Poppa) for 2 weeks after she died. However, I went to work at the same funeral home when he was 4 and the first time I took him to work with me, he asked if he could go in the chapel and see Grammy. I explained to him that Grammy wasn't in there anymore and he asked where she was so I said I would take him to where she was. I took him to the mosoleum where she is buried and he was fine after that. Now he just tells everybody that Grammy isn't at Mommy's work she's with Jesus. I have absolutely no problem with children at the funeral home. They need to know the truth. Not have death hidden from them. It's a part of life. They need to be taught not to be afraid of it.