Jokes please?

Question

okay, well me and my friend are trying out to me this MC at my schools talent show, the thing is, we have to have acts or jokes that we can say in between acts so the audience doesn't get bored as the other acts set up. so if yall could find me some good an appropriate jokes, id appreciate it.

Answer 1

As long as your act is good enough, I'm sure they don't need any jokes. Anyway, here aresome jokes I have, if you still want them.

1) lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!."
Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

2) Teacher: "Give me a sentence starting with the letter 'I'".
Pupil: "I is-"
Teacher: "No, you must always say 'I am'."
Pupil: "Okay, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'."

3) Teacher: "What is the outer part of a tree called?"
Pupil: "I don't know sir."
Teacher: "Bark, boy bark."
Pupil: "Woof-woof."

4) The head teacher was taking her class round an art gallery. She stopped in front of one exhibit, and sneered at the guide, "I suppose that is some kind of modern art?" "No, madam," replied the guide.
"I'm afraid it's a mirror."

5) A professor attempting to inspire his students says to his class, "This week is your last chance to study for your final exam next Monday. Time is running out. The exam is now in the hands of the printer. Are their any questions?"
One student inquires, "How many questions will their be?"
Another student asks, "Will the exam require essay answers?"
A third wants to know, "Who's the printer?"

These are all the jokes I have. For more, go to the website below.
Also, if you include someone from the audience, that should keep the audience woken up.

Answer 2

cheesy, but cute and appropriate:
-why did the banana ask the prune to go out with him?
-because he couldn't get a date.

-what did the snail that was riding on the back of the turtle say?
-woooohooooo!!!!!!!!!!

-how do u make a kleanex dance?
-you put a little boogie in it.

-why does the mushroom get invited to all the parties?
-cuz he's a fun guy.

-what do u call a fish without an eye?
-fsh

-what did the fish that ran into a concrete wall say?
-dam.

this last one may be inappropriate but it's so cute!!!

Answer 3

I don't know if you can use any of these, but they're some of my all time favorites. So, try one of these...please don't be offended:

(1)Here's one that's a bit vulger and long:

There's a trucker driving along the highway in Nevada, and he starts to get really horny. He then sees a sign for a Brothel (whore house) 10 miles away. He begins to get very excited when he spots a note at the bottom of the sign which says: "Beware of Sandpaper Sally." He thinks this is a bit wierd but keeps driving and gets hornier and hornier. He finally gets to the Brothel, throws money down on the table, and says: "I want a whore." to which a woman repeats: "Okay, but the only girl we have left is Sally." He decides to take the offer and runs up to the room he's told Sally is in. He opens the door and sees the prettiest blond he's ever seen in his life, throws her down on the bed and procedes to have his way with her when he notices that she is a bit rough and dry down there. He asks what's wrong with her and she gets up and goes to the bathroom. She comes back and they start again. He says that it feels great and asks what she did. To which she replies:"I picked the scabs."

(2)Here's another:

Two guys are sitting at the bar, guy 1 turns to guy 2 and says, "I f*cked your mom!"
The bar goes silent, and everyone turns and looks at the two guys.
Once again guy 1 says, "I f*cked your mom!"
To which guy 2 replies, "Shut up dad, you're drunk."

(3)...and another:

There's a man walking through the desert with only his camel, when suddenly he gets the urge to have sex. Seeing that there's no one around, he tries to screw the camel, but it runs off. He runs and catches up to it and the man and his camel keep treking through the desert, when all of a sudden he gets the urge again. The man tries to have his way with the camel again, and once again it runs off. He catches up again and they keep walking until they get to a road where he sees a car broken down. The man goes up to the car and sees three of the most breath taking young women he's ever seen in his life, and asks if he can help. The women say that if the man can fix their car that they'll do ANYTHING for him, so he takes a look at their car and gets it running. Stunned, the young women ask what he would like them to do. To which the man replies, "Can you hold my camel?"

(4)One more:

Three men get snowed in at a ski resort and have to get a room. When they get to the room, they notice that there is only one bed. They figure that this isn't a problem and that they'll share the bed. They wake up the next morning and the man sleeping on the right side of the bed said, "I had the best dream that this beautiful woman was jerking me off all night!"
The man who slept on the left side of the bed said, "That's wierd, I had the same dream!"
To which the man who slept in the middle replied, "Uh oh... I had a dream that I was skiing!"

Answer 4

The sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated? "
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and
asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.
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One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.
"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You taught me in third grade."
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One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, He encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who could then see and was happy.
As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk and he was happy.
Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man said, "Lord, I work for the school system."
And the Lord sat down and cried with him.
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Well, that's all for now! If you need more, here's the website!

Answer 5

So it's the year 3000,
and scientist are able not only to clone man but
are able to make them from dust like God,
So a scientist goes to God and says see God we can make a man out of dust too, so this scientist grabs a handful of dust thinking he is equal to God,
so God say's " wait a minute, but can you make your own dust!"

Answer 6

haha properly good i've got been given a intercourse comedian tale for you desire you like it :) on listening to that her grandad had basically died kate went and visited her nan to convenience her while she asked how he died her nan replyed by skill of sayin that he had had a heart attack mutually as makin love 2 her kate stated that it replaced into stupid that 2 old people the place havin intercourse because it replaced into askin for worry her nan replyed by skill of sayin that they used to do it to the sluggish %. of the church bells because it replaced into basically the the appropriate option velocity she then wiped a tear from her eye and carryed on by skill of sayin''if that dahmed ice cream van hadnt come alongside he could nevertheless be alive as we talk'' :) xxx

Answer 7

How do you kill a purple elephant? Shoot it with a purple elephant gun silly! How do you kill a white elephant? Hold its trunk til it turns purple and shoot it with a purple elephant gun!

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a computer? A two ton know-it-all!

Answer 8

Here is the only joke I got.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Boo

Boo who?

Don't cry it's only a joke

I hope that joke can work for you.

Answer 9

you don't really need JOKES

take people in audience and make them interact with you and if its ok make some jokes about what their wearing or how they act

Answer 10

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange Who?
Orange
Orange Who?
Orange
Orange Who?
Banana, Are you glad that I didn't say Orange!