Anyone know a clever joke they want to share?

Question

I have an english paper I have to write on the use of humor. I would like to gather more jokes/stories before I write this [besides, who doesn't like jokes]. If you have a clever joke, or humorous story to share, please do. Give me clever and wit!

Answer 1

I don't know if I'd consider any of these clever, or if you can use them for your paper since they may be a bit vulgar, but they're some of my all time favorites, so try one of these...please don't be offended:

(1)Here's one that's a bit vulger and long:

There's a trucker driving along the highway in Nevada, and he starts to get really horny. He then sees a sign for a Brothel (whore house) 10 miles away. He begins to get very excited when he spots a note at the bottom of the sign which says: "Beware of Sandpaper Sally." He thinks this is a bit wierd but keeps driving and gets hornier and hornier. He finally gets to the Brothel, throws money down on the table, and says: "I want a whore." to which a woman repeats: "Okay, but the only girl we have left is Sally." He decides to take the offer and runs up to the room he's told Sally is in. He opens the door and sees the prettiest blond he's ever seen in his life, throws her down on the bed and procedes to have his way with her when he notices that she is a bit rough and dry down there. He asks what's wrong with her and she gets up and goes to the bathroom. She comes back and they start again. He says that it feels great and asks what she did. To which she replies:"I picked the scabs."

(2)Here's another:

Two guys are sitting at the bar, guy 1 turns to guy 2 and says, "I f*cked your mom!"
The bar goes silent, and everyone turns and looks at the two guys.
Once again guy 1 says, "I f*cked your mom!"
To which guy 2 replies, "Shut up dad, you're drunk."

(3)...and another:

There's a man walking through the desert with only his camel, when suddenly he gets the urge to have sex. Seeing that there's no one around, he tries to screw the camel, but it runs off. He runs and catches up to it and the man and his camel keep treking through the desert, when all of a sudden he gets the urge again. The man tries to have his way with the camel again, and once again it runs off. He catches up again and they keep walking until they get to a road where he sees a car broken down. The man goes up to the car and sees three of the most breath taking young women he's ever seen in his life, and asks if he can help. The women say that if the man can fix their car that they'll do ANYTHING for him, so he takes a look at their car and gets it running. Stunned, the young women ask what he would like them to do. To which the man replies, "Can you hold my camel?"

(4)One more:

Three men get snowed in at a ski resort and have to get a room. When they get to the room, they notice that there is only one bed. They figure that this isn't a problem and that they'll share the bed. They wake up the next morning and the man sleeping on the right side of the bed said, "I had the best dream that this beautiful woman was jerking me off all night!"
The man who slept on the left side of the bed said, "That's wierd, I had the same dream!"
To which the man who slept in the middle replied, "Uh oh... I had a dream that I was skiing!"

Answer 2

Las Vegas Churches
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday service will give casino chips rather than cash when the collection plate is passed around.
Since they get the chips from many different casinos the Churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casino of origin and the chips are traded for cash.

This is done by the chip monks.
;<)

Answer 3

there are truly some _________ (whichever type of human beings you don't like - dumb blond jokes are stereotypical) in a eating position. they're confusing over a puzzle. Then, as they click the finest piece into position, all of them commence yelling, "2 years! 2 years!" A waiter walks over and asks why they're shouting 2 years. They said, "because on the field it says 2 years +, and we did it in 2 years!" also, there are truly some reliable comic tale web content accessible. I absolutely have listed one below. in simple terms surf on the internet in case you do not %. some thing up there - there are truly some different web content.

Answer 4

(1)
If at first you don't succeed...

Skydiving is not for you.

(2)
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"



more @ http://www.ahajokes.com/

Answer 5

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your
chickens until they hatch."
"That was a fine story Lucy." "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm; her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun; a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break; then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't screw with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
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One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, He encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who could then see and was happy.
As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk and he was happy.
Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man said, "Lord, I work for the school system."
And the Lord sat down and cried with him.
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"The gym teacher's name was Mr. Caruso. Mr. Caruso did not speak English. He spoke 'Gym.' One day I was playing basketball and Mr. Caruso told me I would have to get an athletic supporter. He didn't express himself exactly that way, though. He said, 'Hey, you, one day you're gonna go up for a rebound and the family jewels aren't gonna go with ya.' I had no idea what he was talking about. Next day I showed up for practice without my watch and my mezuzah. He said, 'Did ya take care of the family jewels?' I said, 'I left 'em in my locker.' Took us a half hour to revive Mr. Caruso." -- Tommy Lasorda
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I bet none of those are gonna help out with your project. Well, at least they make you laugh while you are doing it!

Smiley=)

Answer 6

A guy sitting on a plane over the ocean and the stewardess walks up and asks, "would you like A TWA martini". He replied, "no thank you". She then says, "Would you like some TWA coffee"? Again he replied, "No thank you". Then she asked, "Would you like some TWA Tea"? He replied,"NOW YOU'RE TALKING!

Answer 7

Okay how's this one...


What's the differance between a woman in church and a woman in the bath tub?

One of them has Hope in her Soul.
The other has Soap in her,,,,,,
Well you get the point.

Answer 8

Well this might not be the most appropriate joke for a paper.. but...


What sexual position produces the ugliest children???
.
.
.
.
.
.
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I don't know, ask your mother!

:)