Any GOOD jokes...10 points for the best one..?

Question

I need some good jokes. Got any?

Answer 1

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, "Lose weight $1.00 a pound." And it simply listed a telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the man responded, "ten pounds."
The voice replied, "very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me".
Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, "quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?"
To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "twenty pounds".
"Very well", the voice on the phone told him, "put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "if you catch me you can screw me". The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.
When he was through she told him, "quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" He thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked,
"how much weight do you want to lose?"
"Fifty pounds!" The man exclaimed.
"Fifty pounds?" The voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time."
The overweight man replied, "my check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning." Then he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you I'm going to screw you."
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A woman had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the girl chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the girl began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
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And God created woman and she had three breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good.
Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"
And God created man.
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Okay,okay...you said A JOKE. Well, I was so bored, Ihad to post three. I hope you're not too mad!

Smiley=)

Answer 2

OK well there was a person that had a near death experiment he has never ever rode a horse before SO one day he went on a horse it started to move so the guy got scared then it started to go faster the guy didn't know what to do then he fell and his feet was stuck on the rope he was using to hold the ropes SO the guy started to scream and yell SO loud at the end the walmart manager had to come out and unplug the horse




ok here is another one there were 3 people building a house it was lunch time so the first guy pulled out his lunch and there was a pizza the guy says my wife always gives me pizza if she gives me pizza one more time i will jump of the building the second man opened his lunch and there was falafil so the guy said if my wife gives me falafil one more time i will jump off the building so the last man says if my wife makes me tocoas again i will jump off the building. it was the next day and all of them had the same lunch so all of them fell off the building. then the next day was all of there funerals the wifes had to speak the wife for the first guy said if i knew he wanted a diferent food i would have made him a different food y didnt he ask? the second wife said if i knew he wanted a diferent food i would have made him a different food y didnt he ask? the third wife was quite so everyone stared at her and she said dontlook at me he makes his own lunch!

Answer 3

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it ok if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2006 models. I saw one I really liked."


MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year
Is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"


M AN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They
will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's
really a pretty good price."


WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
Him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

Answer 4

Redneck Medical Terminology (not really a joke, but FUNNY!)


Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor - More than one.
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
Benign - What you be after you be eight.
Genital - Non-Jewish person.
Barium - What doctors do when patients die.
Dilate - To live long.
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
Seizure - Roman emperor.
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.
Morbid - A higher offer than I bid.
Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
Tablet - A small table.
Hangnail - What you hang your coat on.
Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work.
Node - I knew it.
Varicose - Near by/close by
Colic - A sheep dog.
Enema - Not a friend.

Answer 5

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back complaining that the radio wasn't working. "Madam", said the sales maneger, "the audio system in this car is completly automated. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to and you will hear exactly that!" She drives out , somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson". The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the road again". The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. Stopped at an intersection, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision. "Asshole.....", she muttered. And from the radio..... "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States....

Answer 6

One day, while a man is walking down the sidewalk, he sees a woman on the other side of the street with the most beautiful breasts he has ever seen. Fascinated with them, he approaches the women and says "If I give you 100 dollars, will you let me bite your breasts?". The woman replied "Sorry, but I'm not like that" . At the next street corner the man catches up to the woman again and says "If i give you 1000 dollars can i bite your breasts?". Once again the woman says "Sorry but i wont let you do that". After cutting through a few allies the man catches up to the woman yet again, this time asking " If i give you 10,000 dollars can i bite your breasts?". The woman says "Well, that is a lot of money and i could really use it. I don't see any harm, why not?" They go to a dark alley. She unbuttons her shirt and the man proceeds to touch, lick, caress, and rub her breasts. Finally the woman asks, "Aren't you going to bite them?" The man replied, "Nah", he shrugged. "To expensive".


A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Answer 7

A guy from the city was driving in the country. He saw a farmer on his tractor. He waved and motioned for the farmer. THe farmer got off his tractor and said "what can I do for ya young feller?" The guy says "Do you have bulls on your farm?"
Farmer replies "sure do." City guy says "Could I get some milk from one of them?" The farmer laughs and told him if he could get milk from a bull then he could have all he wanted. Well sure enough the guy comes back with a quart of milk,
The next day he comes back to the same farmer on his tractor. This time he asked the farmer "is that honeysuckle I see over there? if it is could I get some honey?" once again the farmer was laughing his butt off but told him he could have all the honey he could carry. The guy came back with a small jar of honey. He looked at the farmer and then at the farmer's house. He then said
"Say is that pussywllow growing beside your house?"
The farmer replied "Let me park this thing."

Answer 8

how about a blonde joke...im blonde haha but i dont care...okay here goes:

a blonde a brunette and a red head are stranded in the woods. They all build a shelter and decide to go for food. Each girl will take a turn. The brunette is first...she comes back with a big deer. The two girls ask her how she got it. Shes say, I followed the tracks I followed the tracks and bam I shot it down. Then it was the red head's turn. She comes back with a jack rabbit. The two girls ask her how she got it. She says I followed the tracks I followed the tracks and bam I shot it down. Then it was the blondes turn...she comes back with tons of bruises and broken ankle and head trauma. They ask her how she got that...she says I followed the tracks I followed the tracks and bam got hit by a train.


HAHA its not one of my funniest but its still pretty good=)

Answer 9

Try one of these...please don't be offended:

(1)Here's one that's a bit vulger and long:

There's a trucker driving along the highway in Nevada, and he starts to get really horny. He then sees a sign for a Brothel (whore house) 10 miles away. He begins to get very excited when he spots a note at the bottom of the sign which says: "Beware of Sandpaper Sally." He thinks this is a bit wierd but keeps driving and gets hornier and hornier. He finally gets to the Brothel, throws money down on the table, and says: "I want a whore." to which a woman repeats: "Okay, but the only girl we have left is Sally." He decides to take the offer and runs up to the room he's told Sally is in. He opens the door and sees the prettiest blond he's ever seen in his life, throws her down on the bed and procedes to have his way with her when he notices that she is a bit rough and dry down there. He asks what's wrong with her and she gets up and goes to the bathroom. She comes back and they start again. He says that it feels great and asks what she did. To which she replies:"I picked the scabs."

(2)Here's another:

Two guys are sitting at the bar, guy 1 turns to guy 2 and says, "I f*cked your mom!"
The bar goes silent, and everyone turns and looks at the two guys.
Once again guy 1 says, "I f*cked your mom!"
To which guy 2 replies, "Shut up dad, you're drunk."

(3)...and another:

There's a man walking through the desert with only his camel, when suddenly he gets the urge to have sex. Seeing that there's no one around, he tries to screw the camel, but it runs off. He runs and catches up to it and the man and his camel keep treking through the desert, when all of a sudden he gets the urge again. The man tries to have his way with the camel again, and once again it runs off. He catches up again and they keep walking until they get to a road where he sees a car broken down. The man goes up to the car and sees three of the most breath taking young women he's ever seen in his life, and asks if he can help. The women say that if the man can fix their car that they'll do ANYTHING for him, so he takes a look at their car and gets it running. Stunned, the young women ask what he would like them to do. To which the man replies, "Can you hold my camel?"

(4)One more:

Three men get snowed in at a ski resort and have to get a room. When they get to the room, they notice that there is only one bed. They figure that this isn't a problem and that they'll share the bed. They wake up the next morning and the man sleeping on the right side of the bed said, "I had the best dream that this beautiful woman was jerking me off all night!"
The man who slept on the left side of the bed said, "That's wierd, I had the same dream!"
To which the man who slept in the middle replied, "Uh oh... I had a dream that I was skiing!"

Answer 10

There are 3 girls they all die and go to heaven there are no rules exept dont step on the ducks one girl steps on a duck she gets chained to an ugly man forever another girl does the same the last girl hasent steped on a duck so she gets chained to the hunkyest guy ever she says wow im lucky the guy says I steped on a duck