How to deal witjh your mother without hurting her feelings, althought she is munipulative?

Question

When I was a child I had an ok relationship with my mother. I loved her an appriciated the things she would do for me. However, life events happen over the course of the years and it has made me not only hurt but detached from dealing with her. I am not angry but I can not substain a healthy relationship with her at all. She never admits that certain situations like my crackhead sisters father beating me was not acceptable, or that leaving my sister with me to pratically raise (constantly) who is 9 years my junior wasn't healthy, or perhaps telling me I have three days to find somewhere else to live so she could move in with her boyfirend and pay his bills, and use the money from social security death benefits from my father to purchase a home for herself mind you I was living on the corner of asault and battery at 16 trying to feed and cloth myself. She constantly bad mouths me, and always has something negative to say however she swears she loves me and I am the crazy one.

Answer 1

Okay, first of all, you are not the crazy one, you are not the selfish one, the self-centered one, your so-called mother is. A mother is supposed to protect and care for her children and not the other way around, she failed you miserably. She is a user and an abuser and if you let her she will do the same to you.

Having said all that, this is for you. Be right with yourself, both mentally and physically. Get an education so you don't have to deal with crack heads yourself and don't do anything stupid like drugs or drinking. A very dangerous path and cycle you don't want to continue.

Get away from your mother, I know this sounds harsh and you sound like you feel guilty but from what you say it sounds like self-preservation because once you have something she will try to manipulate it away from you even if she's done nothing for you.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve a good life and to be respected, especially by the person who brought you into this world and in doing so made a commitment to take care of you. That is not the case and it is what it is and we can't change other people we can only change ourselves.

Get some counseling and get your head right and get as far away from "Mommy dearest" as you can, it's not that you don't love her but you have to love you before you can love anyone else.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Don't worry. You grow up, and you learn to forgive. Sometimes, in order to make someone see though, you have to hurt them. These words are from experience. My mother is manipulative as well, but, she is not all there. We've hurt each other a lot, but, the day I moved out, she learned. We both did. I think it takes a drastic change in order for both sides to see how things were, and how they should be. Now, my mother and I have the best of relationships. Just remember, she loves you, and no matter how much she bad mouths you and how much she drives you crazy, at the end of the day, you still love her.

Answer 3

You should tell her what its going to take for the two of you to move on. It sounds like you are tired of having a chip on your shoulder about her but that her denial of any wrong doing sets you on fire. Ask her to hear you out and then tell her everything that upsets you and how you wished it would have turned out (You brought someone into our house and allowed him to beat me when you should have been more careful who you brought home or at the very least kicked him out. You should have kept me safe, Mother) I'm sure she feels guilt about all that you went through because of her and it is easier for her to pretend that you are mistaken but it is just hurting you more. Tell her you want to get it all out in the open and acknowledge it because it eats at you every day and the more she denies it the more it eats away at you. If she wants to help you get past all of this she should listen to you, acknowledge what has happened, apologize for her shortcomings and express a desire to mend things between the two of you.
You should accept that no one is perfect and that she does love you (which I think you do) and let her know that so that she feels better about admitting wrong doing.

Answer 4

I am not one to judge, but it doesn't sound like you had "an ok relationship with your mother". You say yourself, "I can not sustain a healthy relationship with her".

Sounds to me like you already have the answer you need.

Everyone has the right to be happy. I think you should cut ties with your mother, and don't worry about her "bad mouthing" you. It really doesn't matter what other people think about you. It only matters what you think of you.

Carry on with your life and surround yourself with friends who love you for who you are.

Good luck!

Answer 5

if you are serious....

go to counseling...you state you are not angry..but yet look at all the evidence you are carrying around as you search for a way to have some type of a relationship with your "birth" mother.

i had to do the same thing...and it took 3 separate counselors telling me to detach and not call her mother anymore. at first i stopped going to counseling because i stated i could not write her out of my life...she gave birth to me...

But in the end, i have done so...and i delt with the anger in tense counseling...and now i can actually be near her at family functions without being connected emotionally and trying to mentally make her my mother

Just because someone gives birth to a child...that does not make them a mother...!

Accept this...and find a woman in your life that you can look at as a mother figure...there are lots of them out there...!

Stay away from this woman..you have a life to live...and she is doing the best she knows how...and is obviously emotionally unstable...this is bigger than you...dont try to make her be something she may not want to be!

Answer 6

She sounds like a really sick lady. Maybe it would be best to love her from afar, meaning don't have a lot of contact with her. Continue to love her; she's your mom. It would be best to maybe get counseling for you. No, you aren't crazy, but this thing with your mom needs to be resolved. Get the mental tools you need to write her a letter, have a heart to heart talk, whatever. It's different for different people. Resolve this your own way.

Answer 7

Try reading the book "Bad Childhood, Good Life".
http://www.drlaurashop.com/product.php?id=104&PHPSESSID=fdcb330c1713ccc1ac7ffc5747b9b167
It will give you the tools and the permission to move on with your life, possibly cutting your mother out if you need to.

Answer 8

Well...I really dont know what to say about his...But if this were me dealing with my mother...I would sit down with her and tell her what I think and if we could do things to work things out...like maybe try spending more time with her or something.

Answer 9

WOW. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU JUST DESCRIBED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOTHER. I MOVED AWAY RIGHT AFTER HIGH SCHOOL, AND WHEN I LEFT EVERYHTING WAS GOOD. BUT SINCE THEN ITS BEEN CRAZY. I HAVE BEEN PAYING HER BILLS AND SHES ASKING ME FOR MONEY, IM A COLLEGE STUDENT, I DONT HAVE MONEY. SHE CAN BE VERY MANIPULATING WITH HER WORDS. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS SHE FLIPS IT AND ALL OF A SUDDEN ITS YOUR FAULT. I FEEL FOR YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW, TRY TO KEEP STRONG AND JUST REMEMBER, YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, AND IF THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO BREAK TIES WITH UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS THAN SO BE IT. GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 10

TELL you what you do. TELL her everything in a letter. SOUNDS like you want family. DO you go to church? Dont be mad at G0d. HE is the one that LOVEs you.I HAVE a CHURCH family. THAT way my mother who, btw is the same as your mother she cant hurt me no more.I WOULD MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR MOTHER and move on.