Parents workload - what is a fair balance?

Question

We have a 2 year 4 month old daughter (our first).

I husband wake 7 am, leave house 7.30, start work 8, finish work 6.30, back home 7, look after child til 9, relax 9-10, wind down and sleep 10.
She (wife) wakes 8, dozes til 9, looks after toddler til 1, toddler sleeps 1-3, looks after toddler 3-7, relaxes 7-9, bathes and puts baby to sleep 9-10
Wife still sleeps with toddler as she believes its cruel to leave it alone (dont get into discussion about this please!!!)
Do you think husband is doing too much, wife is doing too much , or this is a good balance??

To answer "thin Kabouti" there is no chip on shoulder - it didnt say that in question - the reason for question is that wife thinks I should do more - so im interested if you agree

to answer "franki", i know the relaxation times becasue i am there weekends and holidays where the same routine is followed

to h&pm - you answer only shows you havent read the question and just answer your experiences of men (bad of course) rather than the facts in the question

i dont resent for 1 second not sleeping with wife - we have fantastic sex and i get a good nights sleep! - where u got that idea from is a mystery

also writing a whole paragraph about a typo just shows you are a man hater

in fact your entire answer is based on your own story and nothing to do with the question

Answer 1

she wants you to do more when?? during the weekend... it looks like your weekdays are well planned out.. dont change it... just be sure to keep the kid on the right schedule as well... i would say just help her out more on the weekends and she'll be easier during the week.... let her have a saturday to herself... and take the kid to the park..... i have 3 daughters..

Answer 2

difficult to say really; looking after a small child is very demanding; you are literally on duty every single second - can't take your eye off them at all. I remember well the utter exhaustion of the first two years with my first. I had a routine much like your wife's. My husband would take over when he came in from work and give me some breathing space. Even if I only went for a 20 minute walk, I came back ready for anything.
Are her energy levels very low do you think, and would there be a reason for this? Would she have post natal depression maybe?
When one partner is working full time, and the other is stay at home, each may feel that the other has a better deal; I think in most relationships it does balance out fairly. yours sounds about right.

Answer 3

Sounds to me like husband is doing too much on his own and wife is doing too much on her own and you're starting to resent the fact that you don't have any adult time together.
The fact that you've studied the timings of yours and your wife's movements is really quite telling, if not a little scary.

I am at home full time with our youngest two, 20months and 8months old and it is a full time , 24/7 job-you are always on duty and as someone else pointed out, the housework doesn't just happen by magic you know! Why not try giving her the day off and walk a mile in her shoes? My hubby works mad hours too-out at 7am and back at 8pm most days-but he freely admits,(having been left to it one afternoon when we had guests coming), that what I do is equally as demanding albeit different.

I think that the two of you should spend some time together and sort out how you both want to raise your daughter before you end up parenting in separate houses.

You quite clearly have an issue with your wife sleeping with your daughter instead of you,(and why wouldn't you have?), but it needs addressing now because I hate to say it but any parent who addresses their child as 'it' has some deep seated resentment brewing.

Thumbs down me if you like, but your daughter really should be in bed(ideally her own) before 10pm, closer to 7pm is more like it, and that way you and your wife would get some adult time together, even if it's only an hour, every day.

As regards who's doing more than who I don't think you'll ever solve that one although taking into account your legally required breaks that total 1.5 hours and the fact that your wife probably cleans up etc during your daughters nap then your actual 'working hours' are exactly the same!

Answer 4

I think its pretty fair!

If you feel like your wife is not doing enough- what else do you want her to do...she takes care of the baby all day and I'm sure she runs errand, cleans and cooks also. Mabye you should talk to her or go see someone to talk to. If you feel like you are doing to much work then mabye you should try taking care of a 2 year old all day plus all the other daily things that need to be done around the house. I dot agree with 50/50 work also...you guys are a couple and are in "love", does it really matter who is doing more work?

Answer 5

Your wife probably just needs a little adult interaction...

She may be home all day..but spending ANY amount of time with a toddler or infant ...is work.

Especially if she's also incorporating household chores and errands in that day...

You only talk about the child care here...what about everything else?

WHO DOES THE...

Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, moping, bed making, grocery shopping, banking, buys the dog food, takes them to the vet, takes the kid to doctors appts, gardening, and general cleaning?

If she's doing all that AND taking care of baby 24-7...then you've got it easy daddy and you should help more.

If you have a maid and she's just hanging out with baby all day...and nothing else...then she probably still needs the occasional chance to interact with adults sans baby just for sanity's sake...but for the most part it sounds alright...

However, in my experience...men seem to be oblivious of all the things it takes to keep a house running...they just see "I go to work all day and my wife JUST has to sit at home"....

My husband seems to thing the "Grocery Fairy" brings food to the house and the "Toilet gnome" scrubs the bathroom for him...and it must be the "Laurndry Elf" that makes sure he has clean underwear to wear to work everyday...cause I work full time at an office and then tend to my 4 month old ALL NIGHT by my self..So...it couldn't be me doing all that too....

Answer 6

This question is more about you than what the general population thinks. If it's a situation that both of you are comfortable with, then it's an okay setup.

For watching the child (by itself, not talking about the other "work" that needs to be done), it seems pretty fair. Two hours a day for a working father and a non-working mother seems like plenty to me. I wish my husband had enough free time to give his son two hours a day.

Answer 7

A good balance is 50:50...

It sounds as though you already have a chip on your shoulder that your wife is not doing her "fair share" ("dozes til 9, relax 9-10", etc.), I suggest you seek counselling now to address your resentment, otherwise you will end up with three unhappy people instead of just one.

Answer 8

one takes care of house and children and one brings home the bacon. sounds like balance to me. if you think think the wife is not doing enough then may you should remember the grass is always greener on the other side. stay at home moms never get enough credit and it is unfair that people think that just because a person does not work out of the home they do not do as much as people that do work outside of the home. mothers and housewives have a 24 hour job without being able to leave and get a break. besides if you are working then how do you know her relaxation times.

Answer 9

Just count yourself lucky- I work full time and do most the housework. I get up at 7- get the housework done, the dinner cooked and me and my daughter bathed and clothed by 11am. I then go to work for a 91/2 hour day arriving home at 10pm.

Answer 10

i think you both do a fair amount you work but you still help when you finish i don't work anymore i get up at 6.30 with the kids and i look after them, clean, cook my partner works he puts the kids to bed most nights and that's about it