My 4 yr old stepson has started lashing out verbally and physically to my husband and myself....?

Question

He has started hitting us and saying awful things like he wants to kill us or that we suck. He is living with us and 3 teenagers, which is probably where he is getting the lingo. We do not allow them to hit him or talk that way but he has picked it up from somewhere. We do time outs when he behaves inappropriately. Any other suggestions?

Answer 1

Are the time outs working?
Are the heart to heart discussions and stories working?
Is reasoning with the brain of a 4 year old child getting results?
Do these moms actually believe you can reason with a raging and angry 4 year old?

A good spanking will work but you can't be afraid or hesitate. You are the boss, not the child.

I am the father of 4 happy, well-adjusted, successful, and socially functional adults. When they were babes, I spanked them when they were bad. When they were good, I rewarded them. When they were teens, they were grounded when they were bad. When they were good, they were rewarded with greater freedoms. I never tried to reason with them when they were 4. I spanked them. It worked.

They are not emotionally damaged or traumatized. They are successful moms or dads. They went on to earn their degrees and have great careers and healthy and happy families. They never shot up a high school or killed and dismembered their parents in rage. They never cut themselves, committed crimes, or landed in jail. They are all happy, loving, successful and contributing members of their communities.

So are their children.

While it might be inappropriate as a step mom for you to spank the little sh!t, his dad needs to stops being a wimp and get involved with raising his child. Dad needs to spank his little @ss good. Family men are loving, affectionate, forgiving, understanding, involved, concerned, strong, and authoritative.

Spare the rod and spoil the child is true.
The mere fact that you asked this question as you did is hard evidence to that truth. Your stepchild is spoiled already. It's not your fault. It's not the mom's fault. It is wholly dad's fault and YOU are going to suffer for it unless he acts.

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Answer 2

I am not sure how long you have been married, or how long you have been living as a family, however I do believe that consulting with a counsellor might be the best route to take. The one thing you do not want to do is let this situation go.
It sounds like you are doing the best you can, so please don't take his actions personally (I know I did when my son acted out when my husband and I divorced). You are good parents just for the fact that you acknowledge that something is amiss with your child and are willing to do something about it.....now involve a professional to assist with pin-pointing what is up and how to solve the problem.
Good luck and God bless you and your family (particularly the little one)!

Answer 3

First I would make sure there is nothing seriously wrong that you aren't aware of. Maybe his mother is treating him badly or there's been a major change in his life. If that's the case you need to figure out what is wrong and how to fix it. If nothing is going on in his life, then it's normal. Lots of kids this age pick up very quickly on the behavior of others and copy it whether it's siblings classmates or tv. More than likely it's a combination of all of them. Also, he's testing his limits. Trying to find out what he can get away with. Whenever he behaves this way let him know that it is unacceptable and when he is ready to act appropriately he can rejoin the rest of the family. Just make sure that you stay calm yourself. If he sees you yelling or spanking him, he will get mixed signals and be confused. I know it's hard but you will just have to be patient and eventually it will pass.

Answer 4

Monkey see monkey do. He is learning all of that from the other teenageres. Keep doing the time out thing and later talk to him very calmly at eye level that he cannot hit or say those words to mommy and daddy. The important thing here is to get to his level, get eye to eye with him, literary squat on the floor. That usually works. Keep working with him, hell get it with time. Also when he is good give him rewards, like when he hugs you or gives you a kiss, say that he is a good boy.

Answer 5

A leather belt or stinging paddle on the butt?
It might save thousands in psychotherapy fees later and keep him from shooting up classmates when he attends high school.

I'll be sure to mention to you it in the grocery store too. We shouldn't have to hear it, and...

yes, that screaming temper tantrum in the grocery store IS our business!

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Answer 6

Try spanking. Spare the rod and spoil the child. I miss the good ole days.

Answer 7

questions, is his mom in the picture, is she stable, how recent is his parents separation?
possible causes:
1. he's angry because there is another woman w/ dad..(how long have you been in his life?) even if you've been in it for some time, he may just be getting to the age where he realizes his mom has "competition" or that he needs to compete w/ you for his father's attention, or w/ the other kids for parental attention.
2. he's testing his boundaries, all kids do it. he's seeing how much you will put up w/. how much he can hide from you, what he can and can't say. he's actually old enough for for "if/then's" "if i kick my step mom, then she will put me in time out" "if i say i will kill you, i get yelled at and a time out"
3. he could be angry about a specific event. sometimes if there is a big personality change in a child over a short period of time, that is indicative of some sort of abuse (sexual mostly) he's not sure how to express himself about it, so he just lashes out and wants everyone to feel as bad as he does.
4. do you give in when he demands things? what is your attitude when he does this??? do you yell back?? he could be mimicking reactions to problems that already exist in your home.

possible solutions??

1. safely ignore him. obviously don't ignore it if he has a knife out about to cut himself or someone else, but if his threats are verbal, don't react anymore than you would for other things. tell him first "NO. we do not talk that way. mom and dad love you, and you don't speak that way to people you love." maybe say a stern no another time, but after that ignore him and go about your business. when he calms down, talk to him at his own level of thinking (try not to use words that are too big for him to really understand...don't use 'conflict' tantrum') and maybe when he throws his fit, say "we'll talk about this later", so he'll know what's coming
2. if the problem is more of a self confidence issue, try and calm him down some, don't coddle him, allow him to calm himself with you there to support him, and give him a way out of being so angry. if he has said he hates you, calmly say, "now, you don't really hate mom and dad do you?" or "we know you don't hate us, and mom and dad love you very much." explain it's okay to be angry, but show him that even if you are angry you don't to react violently. maybe say "mom and dad get angry sometimes when you say bad things, but we don't say we want to kill you, or we hate you, because we love you, and that would hurt your feelings"

5. if he is reacting to how he sees you and your husband handle arguments, or his mother, then the situation will have a much better outcome if you and his mother all sit down and talk about. the adults must handle themselves with self control if you expect a four year old to do the same. they learn by example.

anyway, hope this helps, if you need more help you can contact me :)

Answer 8

Send you mail. :-)

Let him no that it is totally unacceptable, tell him about your family values, and make a story up about a boy who behaved similiar, and ask his opinions on that!

Answer 9

A spanking ought to do the trick. If you don't believe in spanking, be prepared for me to call you out if I see him acting up in a grocery store!

Answer 10

I know this is probably lame but have you tried talking to him? asking him why he feels like this? Try explaining to him that was he is saying is hurtful and it hurts mommy and daddy's feeling when you say things like this. See what he has to say and go from there.

Edit to add: Please do not follow the spanking advice all that is doing is sending mixed signals, Someone tell the child that is not alright to hit but what are they doing hitting them to stop them from hitting, Give me a break....