Annoying partner and inlaws?

Question

Everytime I want to buy something new for the home, like for example a stereo or a phone, my partners parents are always like "oh no theres a perfectly good 20 year old one in the attic, you've got to have that one and my partner agrees and they make me feel really guilty wanting to buy something new like I am depriving them somehow.
So today I said I wanted to buy a lawnmower and the exact thing happened again, they have a dusty old one with no grass bag thats probably going to tear my lawn apart and now my partner is not speaking to me because I am insisting I want to buy a new one!
Why should I have to live with hand me downs when I can afford nice new things?
Why do my inlaws have to act like I'm insulting them when I wont take their stuff?
Am I being horrible and ungrateful?

Annoyed mother of 2!

Answer 1

Your letter made me laugh, all of us mothers are like that we think that we are saving you a bit of money, but now reading from the other side of things I can see how funny it is. The answer has got to be buy something without telling them what you want until after you have bought it. Really it is so funny we all hoard things and think that they are still useful when really we should be chucking them away. Thanks for this question I can see where I have gone wrong in the past and will rectify it. Good luck with your grass when you use their old mower hope it does not tear it to bits. I am going to the tip at the weekend.

Answer 2

My hubby and I have had similar issues. Only he never wants to spend the money for new stuff...even though we can afford it. I've found it only makes the problem much much worse if I go and do something behind his back. Because, that's what he's going to see your big purchase as - sneaky behind his back. It will only make him loose trust in you. Please don't do that.

I'd sit down and talk to him. Have a guideline with points on why you need the new mower. With two kids no on needs hand me downs on an outdated lawnmower. If it will tear up your grass what will happen if one of your kids runs out to greet daddy and get caught on the mower? If the bag is missing chances are there are worse things going on that you can't even see.

Also, tell him how annoying it is to have to accept crappy second hand things from his parents. Let him know how it makes you feel. Honestly, if the items are in perfectly good order why are they hiding in the attic? Next time be bold and ask them why they aren't using it if it's so perfectly good. I'd ask the same thing of the mower. Funny, I bet they aren't even using that mower because of the same reasons you don't want it.

Answer 3

Ah yes, the nightmare meddling inlaws.. Obviously, and I dont say this in a mean spirited way, his family is cheap and probably always have been. Unfortunately this rubbed off on you partner. I see a lot of problems in the future if he is not to realize that he has his own separate life now and he should make his own decisions. Your family always comes first but he doesnt validate that by agreeing with what his parents dictate. If you guys are able to afford new items, then as suggested above, you just go out and buy that lawnmower and hopefully he gets it. Getting hand me down stuff is more trouble than the junk is worth. I have a neighbor that is always trying to do the same thing with me and I just shine it all on. I feel your pain and good luck in this matter.

Answer 4

Your partner's obviously been influenced by his parents' attitude all his life - I bet they lived through the war & struggled. He should listen to you now, though - sometimes you need to explain it carefully, and slowly, so they understand and see you mean business.

Try to leave the inlaws out of it - it's none of their business. He's a big boy now, and shouldn't need to go running to them all the time. If they offer you something, get him to say that you have the money to buy new, and that's what you're going to do. Is there anyone else (sis/bro) who could benefit, as in 'I think x might appreciate it - she's really skint' (but tactfully!).

Perhaps you could compromise a bit; think about what's really important to you, and take the other stuff. If you really think you'd offend if you refused the lawnmower, you could take it and then 'discover' that it doesn't work very well now, so you'll have to buy a new one. My cupboard has horrible food my Mum's given me which is waiting for its sell-by date...

Answer 5

Stop telling them your plans about buying something and just go buy it. If they make a comment about it, tell them it's your money and you'll spend it anyway you like. As for your partner getting mad about a lawn mower, tell him to go out there and cut the grass by hand if it bothers him so much that you're going to buy a new mower.

Answer 6

Why are you telling your inlaws in the first place? It's your choice, your home, your marriage so set some ground rules. Seems they are poking their nose in, only you will know if it's meant well or just plain interfereing. Tell them VERY nicely could they please check with you before they call as you are SO busy with the children and when they come you want to spend some quality time with them. Then you can choose how often you wish to see them and plan ahead the things you DON't want them to know.

Answer 7

sure, a fat youngster named Brendan that is going to my pal's college. he's an unsightly alpha fail who think of he's so cool, yet he's unquestionably a dumb a** that absolutely everyone hates. while ever i pass there after my college ends to chill out with my pal each and all of the little ones he's acquaintances with, this youngster could continuously come as much as us, trash consult with us, butting into our conversations to commence a controversy or attempt to coach us incorrect on own stuff he would not additionally be responsive to we are speaking approximately. He additionally asks what i'm doing there and says i'm no longer meant to be there, yet I easily have permission to come again by utilising after college. we are all bored stiff with it and are approximately to kick his a** sometime quickly. he's inquiring for it. We tell the lecturers what is going on, yet they continuously take his area. How stupid and annoying is that?

Answer 8

Your in-laws have no right to dictate to you what you should have. It sounds to me like they are too used to getting their own way, and your partner is too scared to stand up to them too. I have been in this situation myself, so I know how awfull it can be. They see you and your partner as weak, and in a way they are bullying you because you let them. They do not respect your opinion and the only way to get them to respect you is to stand up to them. At first they may kick and scream and complain that you are unreasonable, but you have a right to your own choices and opinions and if they can't respect that then they don't deserve your respect. Make sure they know this, and that you won't be dictated to in this way any longer. Even if it means a break up, you must stand up for yourself, or they will continue to walk all over you. At the end of the day the choice is yours, but if you don't do something about it, it will only get worse

Answer 9

Next time just go out and buy it
dont mention what your buying and then no one can offer you any thing

and tel your husband that your not being ungratful but you would like some thing new once in a while

Answer 10

my dad does the same thing to us.every time i mention getting something he tells me don't, i have one ,i'll give it to you. i know he's trying to save us money even though we can afford it. really he's just looking out for us. depending on what he's offering, i'll ususally take it and say thanks. i hate to hurt his feelings. sometimes i use it and sometimes i don't. if i don't, i just go buy my own anyway. there have been times when i've said no thanks, he gets only slightly put out by it then we're fine. maybe your husband just doesn't want to hurt anyones feelings either. ask him. there is nothing wrong with telling his parents no thanks.