DID YOU TELL YOUR KIDS that you divorced because of their father's infidelity?

Question

How did that work out? If not, why not?

Answer 1

i didnt face this situation before i am still 21
but when i was just 4 years old my parents got divorced and my mother was keep telling me it was my father fault

Answer 2

Children feel everything and they learn how to manage the life difficulties from example. Then, whatever you go through, I believe that they deserve to know the truth. I would think that the important thing is your mind when you speak: the goal is to respect them. I would always pay attention not to say things to blame the father and never put the children in a position to have to decide who is good and who is bad. Both the parents are as important for the children. Then an explanation of the facts and your feelings about the situation could be a way to explain the situation. An other point is to be clear that you don't need them to face that hard time in your life. You've got support around. You still love and protect them and their dad as well but you are not able any more to live with their dad.
I am not divorced but I went through the process to decide to leave my partner several times because we've got a very difficult relationship. However, we are working hard, with psychotherapy, to improve our relationship little by little. And each time I talked clearly at some point to my now 4-years old. I was not sure if I should or not, specially because I know that I'm still there so far, seeing some evolution and hoping to find finally a peacefull relationship. I've been often been advised to talk by psychothrapists. And I can tell you that each time I could see some relief in my child when I explained why I was tense and what was happening. I speak a lot about my emotions and he is now very able to say when he is sad, or tired, or in a bad mood, or happy or excited... and in general he is a very happy, curious, and easy-going boy.

The best way anyway is the one you feel the most comfortable with.

Answer 3

These are the kinds of questions that aren't easily answered here. Alot of variables apply...the age of the child(ren) and their maturity level AND the maturity level of both mom and dad.

Infidelity is rarely the CAUSE of a divorce. The cause is what led to the infidelity. So telling your children that their father's infidelity was the reason of the divorce is a superficial excuse.

Although you can't control what the father tells them, you can tell them the truth, there are however, varying amounts of truth. Let your answers be led by their questions. Most younger children don't understand the infidelity part.

Just make sure they know that THEY are not the reason mommy and daddy aren't together anymore.

Try not to bash the other parent by your actions or comments as this doesn't help them.

If they answer questions later, SIMPLE answers to the questions are all they are wanting. They'll ask more if they and when they want to know.

Answer 4

I think if you are going to tell your children about why you got divorced that it's important not to blame either parent (even if one is at fault). They love both their parents and they shouldn't have to feel like they are in the middle of a battlefield. When they are older and the situation isn't so new, then maybe if you want you can tell them exactly the reason. I would just say that you both made some mistakes and nobody is perfect.

My parents got divorced when I was about 13-14 and I knew exactly why, but we didn't bother to tell my younger siblings (my parents were both unfaithful) because it's hard enough for them to have to change their lives around.

My advice is just don't make it a war. Whatever you do, just think about how it will affect the children! Good luck and sorry to hear about your divorce.

Answer 5

NOOO. I am horrified by people wo do this to their children. If your kids are adults thats one thing but why should you subject them to the details of your divorce at all? All you will do is create a rift between a child and his or her father by placing blame. Mommy and Daady just can't live with each other is a fine response for any child under 13. Older than that, you have to gauge your childs maturity and how much they should know. I know so many friends who went through this as kids, they're messed up from their parents divorce.

Answer 6

No, you should tell them you got divorced because Mommy wasn't good in the sack, and that if the daughters want to keep a husband, they better put out, and that if the boys want to stay married, they should "get it" ;from teh wife all the time....


....because that's what they will HEAR if you tell them the divorce is because of Dad's infidelity....

...especially if he denies it.

Tell the kids that you and/or your husband were not mature enough to keep promises and were not mature enough to keep a relationship going for more than 5 (or 10 or whatever) years. Because THAT's the truth.

Answer 7

I'm not divorced therefore have never been in a situation like this, however I strongly advise that you don't tell them what their father has done. This might make them resent their father which isn't right because if he genuinely is a good father, the issues between the two of you should disrupt that. (Especially when some fathers don't give a toss about their kids)
Ensure them that you and Daddy are seperated but you both love your kids. They don't deserve to be brought into this war.

Answer 8

I told my kids we divorced because we couldn't agree on so many things that life without fighting was impossible.
I never told them the real reason until they were adults. There is no sense in burdening a child with the sins of the father. Let them enjoy their innocence.
We divorced for a different reason but I knew that children don't really need to worry about their parent's divorce problems. Life is difficult enough.

Answer 9

At this very moment my husband and i are seperated due to his extracurricular activities. My children think that daddy is at work. But i think that they are too little to understand my oldest id only 5 and she thinks that parents belong together no matter what. I also think that I wouldnt want them to think ill of their father. Even though things are not going well for us doesnt mean that the kids need to hate their father too. I wouldnt want him to do the same thing to me and make the kids hate me. You have to be very careful with what you say to them because someday they may look at you and blame us for their time lost with the other parent. I know that it makes it hard now but in the end, they will understand. I f they are older and you think that they will understand then i would tell them, but watch not to force them to hate their father even if you do. the problem is between you and him not them and him. What ever you end up doing is Im sure what you think is best for you children.

Good Luck

Answer 10

Well my kids were 16 and 17 when we got divorced, I did tell them that their father had sex with my sister, I figured that they would hear about it sooner or later because EVERYONE knew, my sister had bragged about it to just about everyone that we knew. As a result my son don't like my sister, my daughter handled it pretty well. But I waited until they were old enough to understand and also the fact that so many people knew.

Answer 11

It really doesn't work out to give kids the details of a breakup. It's tempting, especially when they have the story wrong and they're blaming you for things you don't want to take the blame for etc. etc. But - you have to be the adult and spare their feelings.

They don't need to know their dad is wetting his weiner. That's just a gross thing for them to think about. Quite traumatic. I would rather not have known my dad was doing that - and when I found out, it didn't make me any less mad at my mom.

I'd seen them fighting for years and I wasn't about to delude myself into believing that his infidelity was the only problem in their marriage. So she basically grossed me out and hurt my relationship with my dad for no reason. It certainly didn't help my relationship with her at all.