Child's undesirable friend?

Question

What do you do when your child has an undesirable friend at school?

Ok. I've had people wondering what my definition of undesirable is. My child is in the 5th grade. His friend is an instigator who stays in trouble and does not have good grades. He also knows "adult things" that my child does not (but probably does now). My son does not see this friend outside of school. FYI: I do not talk bad about this friend but I do ask why he is not playing with his other friends. I also want to make sure he has not "defaulted" to this friend because he has been made fun of or picked on.

Answer 1

Ignore it. The more credence you give the relationship, the more your child will be attracted to this friend. It usually doesnt take long for an undesirable to show their true colors. Also, look at your definition of undesirable. What is undesirable about this child?

Answer 2

Now that I have a bit more information....

Your child's friend not getting good grades could have many causes, some of which may be related to the teaching style or to his learning style, some of which may be related to his home life, some of which may be related to how the friend feels socially among his classmates. In any event, the main thing here is that if your child is beginning to echo both the poor grades and poor behavior at school, then you need to put your foot down and tell your child that your child is either going to "shape up" or not be permitted to hang out with his "friend". Thats the hard-nose approach anyway, and sometimes, that only serves to drive two people even closer together, so you're probably going to have be be a real tough meany here to get this to work properly. It might also be a good time to have a chat with your child about what, exactly, a "friend" really is. If your child reaches the same conclusion as you have, that this other child is simply "no good" for him to hang out with, then its a battle you won't really have to fight, but it is definitely one that you should address.

My original response appears below.

I can't answer this question properly without knowing what you mean by "undesirable". In what specific way is your child's friend "undesirable"?

I'll check back on this question again and add more if you add more details to your question.

Answer 3

I have found that the more your kids know you dislike something... the more they will hold onto that something.....

I would invite the friend over for a family night...

There could be a lot of reasons for him being "undesireable" ...
Bad home life, learning disability..

Make sure that you have those new DVD's that your son has been begging you to rent.. and all that "crap" that you don't usually allow him to eat... that should be handy too. The things to do should be in the main part of the house... NOT in your son's room.. Make the other kid feel involved in a family.

Then you can make an educated assessment of the situation.

BUT.. if I were you and you were me... lol... I would stick to my rule... homework is done first. That always told me a lot about the other kid.
And don't be afraid to help both with some homework.

Good luck

Answer 4

I guess it depends on the age. My daughter is 5 and she too has an undesireable friend. I discussed it with her teacher and asked if they could seperate them in the next school year and the teacher agreed. When they get older, unfortunately, I do not think there is much you can do. The more you tell them to not hang out, the more they are going to want to. All you can do is be open and honest with your child. Give them the reasons why you don't want them to hang out and give your child guidance about that they have their own mind and just because so and so is doing bad things, doesn't mean you have to. You can always tell them what my father used to tell me "You are known by the compnay you keep". This is so true and unfortunately when I was a teenager I didn't see this, but it is true. Just being open and talking to your child and trusting that they are going to hear your voice in the back of their minds when they have a decision to make is all you can do.

Answer 5

At school there is not much you can do unless the other child is proving to be a bad influence and disrupting your child's school day, in this case inform the teacher. If you really don't want your child to be around this "undesireable" child then don't encourage them to see each other outside of school. But please examine your reasons closely. Is the child really a bad influence or just not to your liking?

Answer 6

What do you mean by undesirable? Everything you teach your child now will influence the child's future. You should let your child chose their own friends, but it is up to you to explain the right the wrong, the desirable and undesirable.

Answer 7

i would say that you are doing a good job so far by not talking bad about the kid and asking your child why he/she dont play with the other kids. If i was you i would go to the school and ask the teacher what she/he could do to help keep them apart during school time (ie. put in different groups, ask your child if they would like to play with someone else for a little bit)thing of that nature
good luck

Answer 8

Here's a little secret about kids...
If you talk bad about the bad friend, your kid will resist (even subconsciously) and try harder to stay friends with them.
If you show that it doesn't bother you, hopefully your positive influence up to this point will take over and your child will see for themself that they are no good.

Answer 9

I went thru this with my son At first I tried to pull them apart, this only brought them closer. I decided to start inviting the person to do things with our family and visit us at home. It took about 1 month for my son to realize that this person wasn't for him . Bring the "battle" to your turf. You can have more of an influence!

Answer 10

I gave you a star for this one good question; I have the same situation going on with my fourth grader and never thought to ask about it on here, so I cant wait to read the suggestions you get and put them to use.