My girlfriend and her mom planned a wedding behind my back. What do I do?

Question

I was in the military and thought about staying in. Because we would need to be married for her to go with me, we talked about getting married. She asked me if it was ok if she could book a photograpgher just in case I stayed in the Air Force, and I said sure. I decided not to stay in and just finish my enlistment. So I thought that since I was not staying in we did not need to get married. I want everyone to know that I love her very much and that we have only been together for 18 months but, total time spent together is only 6 months. Anyway, I come back from Louisiana to find out that her and her mom have booked a reception hall, church, wedding date, put a guest list together, and told me where we are going on the honeymoon. The problem, is that I have never even proposed to her. She has no ring and I have been yelled at by her and her family about why she does not have a ring. I NEVER PROPOSED TO HER! I'm not ready to get married. What do I say so her family won't hate me? Thanks.

For all the haters in here. She brought up the entire conversation for the wedding, NOT me. You don't have to have a wedding date to reserve a photographer if the photographer is a family friend. She told me that she would not lose any money on the photographer. I said yes because I did not want to be mean. Once again it apears that my good nature has got my butt is a sling again. The only thing that I may have done wrong is to not say anything sooner. I let her mom get out of control. Oh, I forgot to mention that she was previously engaged two years ago and the wedding was called off. I never asked her why or for any details about it. To the person that said I left alot out of my story, they were correct. I left out stuff that would make her look even worse. I did not want to attack her to make me look right. She is 23 and I am 25 yrs old.

Answer 1

Don't be such a wa nker. Stand up and be a man. Tell the family what you just wrote down here. Tell them that you want to make sure that everything with your relaltionship is going wonderfully before you jump into marriage. Of course if you have been living together, they may find this hard to understand. The fact is, you're not married now, and it's your free will to make decisions for what's best for you.

Answer 2

It looks like you guys' wires got crossed somewhere. I think she jumped the gun way too soon. I don't think it's your fault at all. Even if you had of proposed, she still should have included you in the wedding plans (date, location, honeymoon, etc.) I don't think she should have planned a wedding without a ring. That's kind of crazy.

I think the best solution for this problem is to say something before things get further out of hand. Tell her just because you discussed it did not mean you were proposing. Reassure her that you love her but that you're just not ready to get married just yet. And the family is naturally going to be mad at you because they're going to believe whatever she says because that's her family but if I were you I wouldn't too much worry about what the family is going to say or think about you. Just hope she understands and will continue a relationship with you but if she doesn't she wasn't the one for you to begin with.

Oh and I were you I'd look a little deeper into why the first wedding was called off. It may be something you need t know.


Good Luck

Answer 3

I haven't read other people's responses yet, I wanted to add my input based strictly on what you wrote, including the additional details. The thing is, there isn't enough space on answers for you to tell the whole story, so I'm sure there is a lot left out. We also don't know her side of the story, only what you tell us here. So based on only what you wrote here, I think you've been ambushed - partly your fault and partly over zealousness of her (and probably more her mom). This happens a lot to guys in the military (remember Officer and a Gentleman? You may be too young but might consider renting the movie) they see a man in the military and see a perfect dollar sign and a bright future (well with your chances of going to Iraq, that future is more dim now than before). You should have never agreed to make any moves toward a wedding - photography, nada. Going into the military is NOT a reason to get married! So many of those marriages fail because the coulple think this way - if we marry I can go with him. Now, I'm quite sure that even though they probably just got way ahead of themselves, there was SOME communication between you and your psuedo-fiance about wedding plans? I'm constantly calling my fiance about this idea or that appointment - albeit he's not away. But still, some kind of mentioning of "real" wedding plans have to have been made. Perhaps you felt you were stuck and had no choices since you were away and now that you are back home - and have freedom - you don't want to be tied down? Who knows. The bottom line is if you don't want to get married, then don't get married. Yes, you are wrong for leading her on (or letting her lead herself on) so you aren't totally innocent. But prolonging the "I don't want to get married" conversation will NOT help. They are going to be mad regardless but if she loves you she'll wait until you are ready too. If not, you break up and life goes on. I wish you both luck becaue you are in a tight spot. Just get it over with as soon as possible, the longer you wait, the worse it will be.

Answer 4

Granted I can't decide this for you, I'm not so sure you two should be getting married. I mean, how could you two not have communicated in the least bit about this over the past months? I feel like there must be more to the story here.

But let's take a step back and look at this situation as objectively as possible. First of all, don't think about the events that have transpired as a conspiracy, but rather as one big decision--made alone--that got out of hand. To book a photographer, of course she'd have to have a set date--I'm assuming you two would have at least discussed a range of dates, right? It follows that in order to book a date for the photographer, she'd have to make sure the church and reception site were available. I am in the process of currently planning a wedding, and I can tell you that booking one aspect of a wedding does not happen in a vacuum. Every decision depends on something else....which is why you're seeing the domino effect right now. Now I'm not defending the fact that all these decisions where made in your absence. Just trying to point out a bit of the rationale as I can imagine none of this was done to intentionally go behind your back. No girl in her right mind would go to the lengths of spending all the money it takes to reserve receptions sites and photographers AND involve the family if she was just trying to deceive you into marrying her--I'm sure she loves you very much and honestly thought her desire for marriage was being reciprocated.

As for what to do, you two need to sit down and talk--long and hard--about your communication skills and how they will affect your marriage. That needs to happen first and foremost before a decision is made to cancel the wedding (you should also take into account the imminence of the date that was chosen and whether or not all those guests on the list have been invited yet). Talk to her about the gaps in your communication thus far--make sure she understands your frustration, but try to acknowledge your own shortcomings in this department, too.

The next step would be to decide on a joint plan of action to address the family situation. I can definitely see that her family might be a bit frustrated at a lack of wedding ring if they've already shelled out the money to reserve all these spaces. But they need to understand that a marriage--at it's core--is about a lifelong commitment between two people (who happen to be their children). I'm sure they can see that this is a huge decision to make if one or both parties weren't committed 100% from the start. In the end, I'm sure the lifelong happiness of their daughter will enable them to move past the events of the past few months (so don't let them pressure you into a marriage you're not ready for).

Just remember: photographers and caterers can be easily canceled--marriages cannot (or should not).

Answer 5

You may not have proposed marriage, but you definitely implied marriage. Unfortunately, I don't think there is any good fix to this, but you need to think about what it all means for your life, and not how she and her family will feel about you. I think it can only end badly if you go ahead and marry her to keep peace.

I see 2 options: 1). if you are pretty sure you will want to marry her in the future, buy a ring and propose (for real) on the condition of a long engagement - then have the wedding when you are ready or 2). tell her what you said here, that you thought about marriage before so you two could be together, but that you aren't ready yet. With option 2, be prepared for her to be really mad because she will see it as you were only willing to marry her before as a convenience.

Good luck

Answer 6

First... it would be my guess that the mother jumped in when she shouldn't have. Her family needs TO BUTT OUT!!!!
Second... This is what your life would be like after you get married. You would come in last place next to her family.
Third... her family NEEDS TO BUTT OUT!!!!
Fourth... You didn't mention your ages. She sounds very young. If she can't act like an adult in this matter then she is too young to be married.
Fifth... You are 100% right when u admit that 6 months is not a long time.
Sixth... If you are certain that you want to be part of this family, arrange to be alone with her... NO FAMILY.
Let her know your concerns. Tell her that you want a longer engagement to get to know her better; that is what engagements are for. Let her know that you love her and you want to postpone the wedding. Let her know that you will not be herded into a marriage by her family as this will always leave you feeling bitter and resentful. You worry about what it would do to your relationship together.
Let her know that you love her, that you want to officially ask her to marry you, be engaged for ONE YEAR, pick a date together.
Seven... Army life would have been benificial as it would probably have taken u away from her family. Distance yourself from them.
Eight... Give her time to think about it. If she won't agree to this, I would question her love for you, her maturity and the grip that her family has on her.
Nine... You deserve a good life.

Answer 7

I think if you don't go through with it, she and her family are not going to be happy with you. By you telling her she could book a photographer, it was as if you proposed in her head, at least, you gave the marriage idea a go ahead. If you seriously don't want to get married you have to tell her, because with all these things booked, I'm sure money has been put down to reserve these things and who ever paid the money might lose it, because you don't want to get married. Isn't there a way to compromise? Tell her you'll engage her, but you don't want the wedding to be until June 2008 or a later date. Could that work? Then the date will be pushed back, you'll just have to get her a ring, the family will still be ok with you, and you just bought yourself some more time.

Answer 8

this was unfair of the family to do to you you have been put in an awkward situation so what you need to do is set her down, take her out to dinner or something so your alone together alone. explain that you love her very much and how this whole thing was a big surprise to you, tell her that you didn't expect nor plan on getting married her so soon Tell her you rather get married when you are more ready. You also might want to say sorry her family has gone through so much trouble that you still want to be together and someday marry her just not right now. She most likely get upset this is unavoidable, so be honest be sensitive and gentle, good luck.

Answer 9

Oh my goodness! You need to speak up... this is your life too. Although she may be upset for the moment, you have to tell her. Explain to her exactly what you said here, how much you love her, etc. and tell her that you don't want to rush... What's the hurry? You're both young. Can you see yourself marrying her? Why not talk about maybe getting her that engagement ring, but having a long engagement so that the two of you can spend more time together before making such a big commitment. Best of luck to you!!!

Answer 10

Wow.. this is a pickle. I know it will be difficult, but you need to sit down and talk with your girlfriend. Tell her you didn't mean to mislead her and that you do love her and that you're hoping that a marriage will come in the future, but that right now you want to spend time getting to know her better now that you are in close proximity. Assure her that you care deeply for her but that you aren't ready for a wedding.

It could cause the end of the relationship and it's certain to embarrass her. Be sensitive and caring. It is possible the mother will want you to pay all the non refundable fees... so be prepared for that, even though legally you wouldn't be responsible for them because you didn't put the deposits down.

Oh, wait, I have another idea. How about you propose to her now, and ask for a LONG engagement. That way you're not telling her to call it off, you're just asking her to postpone it... Just another idea that came to me. This could also help with the non-refundable fees. They could be just put off. Then if it doesn't work out in 3-6 months, you can back out without looking like a complete heel.

It's a pickle.. I wish you the best.

Answer 11

My friend this is hard , I can see you love this girl but if her family is intent onn this wedding I can say this : RUN LIKE HELL . If her family is exerting this much control over your life now then just imagine , it will be 10 times worse after a marriage . Make it clear that you never proposed and you will not have other people running your life , but no matter what , RUN away as fast as you can . oh be ready for her to say " I ' m pregnant " the first time you try to set things right, shes not pregnant , just a old trick used by some woman to controll a situation .