why do i feel like i have done something wrong?

Question

i was sexually abused by my stepdad between the age of 3/4 and 9 my parents split up just after my mum realised something was going on but she never reported it i am now 37 with 4 kids of my own and i made contact with this man a few months ago i wanted to ask him why but couldnt find the courage though i dont know why as he is living in new zealand for last 15 year anywa yesterday i had a row with my sister as she is going to live with him in september with my 2 nieces and even though she knows what he did she is still going ahead with the move anyway she told me that i was a liar and should of would something about it years ago if it was true,so today i e-mailed him and told him i remember everything, what i have gone through over the years because of him and how much i hate him but now i feel as though i have done wrong by sending this e-mail (he is remarried and has step grandchildren and i dont' think he would of told his wife) i felt so much relief while writing the email

the row between me and my sister got quite heated so good job it was over the phone, she is a cokehead and drinks every night so there is no reasoning with her, for years she has said he was out of order now she has changed her mind i think she has told him about what i have said and he has made out i am a liar , i have made my mums life hell because of this and that B***ard has gotten away with it well not no more i don't think he will reply to my e-mail but my god if he does he is going to get my full feeling's thrown at him ..i have 4 kids and 3 of them are girls they have asked me about him and i have told them as much as i feel is ok to tell them and it is sad that he is going to miss out on having 4 lovely grandkids, now my only worry is when he tells family over here in england what i have accused him of they will hate me (but i have been honest)

BARRY (i know erana will read this and i am sorry i didnt't want to hurt her)
I was only young when you did things to me that a dad (stepdad) should not do and i have waited years to say something to you but never had the courage even though you are miles away, I know that i was not your own flesh and blood but what gave you the right to do it to me you took away my childhood, i only contacted you again not because i love you but because i wanted you to say sorry but you never did, i have nothing to gain or lose by doing this so here goes , when you sneaked into my bedroom even knowing that i shared a room and asking me not to say anything to mum and when mum had a suspicion something was going on you told me i didnt have to say anything and i never did ( i was a youngster and didnt know it was wrong) it was your dirty secret , i grew up hating men because of you unlike our jackie i didnt sleep around i didnt trust men but i met paul and told him after a while what happened to m

me as a kid and it was hard for us both especially when i had lisa i was terrified of him touching her but i knew deep down he would never touch her , i have 3 daughters now who i have tried to warn of naughty men but i know they will suffer because of the way i have been trying to protect them , they don't know you and never will until i draw my last breath they will never have anything to ever do with you, as for jackie moving in with you i have said my piece to her about it .. she has always said she knew about it but now has changed her mind she probably only wants to know you as she heard you have made a good life for your self, i have begged her not to take them girls anywhere near you but she won't listen, I know you will deny all this because what man wouldn't , jackie didnt tell me you came over for nicola's wedding because i told her if you ever came back to england i would get you for what you did and i meant it i have never had so much anger and hate towards anyone as i h

as i have towards you i hope god has made you suffer over the years for what you did as i have suffered for what you did to me but i have come through it with councilling and love off paul and my kids , my mum has suffered as i couldn't take it out on you so i took it out on her i was angry with her because she never reported you to the police , you once told me in a phonecall that they say a leopard can't change it's spots but you have well i hope to god you have because i would hate any other child to have suffered at your hands , i am sorry but i had to do this as i just cant face talking to you on the phone that is why i didnt say much when you phone last time i have cried so may tears over the years because of you but now i want to put all that behind me and i only could if i told you how i felt . you can tell erana it's all lies but you know it isnt and you should me a real man and admit it , i am sorry to erana but she doesnt know half of what went on and i just hope she does n

not think it's all lies as it has taken a lot of courage for me to do this

this is the e-mail i sent my stepdad i could have been a lot more graphic but i have pride and wouldnt want anyone to know too much about what went on

Answer 1

Good for you for confronting him about what he did to you! You have done nothing wrong! As for your sister, she is too messed up to even be thinking straight. I can't believe she would put her children in danger like that. I think all she's thinking about is a place to stay. I would continue to try to get through to her and try your best to protect your neices. You have suffered a lifetime for what this man did to you. You have done everything you can. Just keep in touch with them and look for anything suspicious. Never be afraid to speak up or speak out about a child molestor. I wish I had a solution for you, but all you can do is hope and pray for those childrens safety.

Answer 2

How horrible for you! Child molestation does so much damage to a child, and they almost always feel like it is their fault. If you haven't gone to counseling yet, you really need to find someone who specializes in this. As long as you hold on to the anger you so rightfully own, your life will never be at peace. You are wasting energy on this man that did these terrible things to you. You will never forget, but you can learn to release it and to go on with your life.

As for your nieces, all I can say is, if anyone told me a man did this to them, my children would NEVER be around that person, EVER, for any reason. But you can't control their lives, only your own. I'm glad the email made you feel better. Write a journal. Just open it, start writing about whatever is going through your head at the time and let it all out. I had to do this, and after a few months, I really did feel better. I never let anyone read it, but I have it hidden and when I take it out and read it, it makes me so sad to read the things I was feeling and thinking. But I am so much better now.

Honey, best of luck to you and your family.

Answer 3

It seems such as you fairly love your son... or you does no longer even care adequate to enforce self-discipline... and your obtrusive undertaking or a hazard experience sorry approximately is a trademark which you deeply love and care approximately your son... Kudos to a parenting interest properly performed... your son gets excitement from your efforts interior the very close to destiny... i'm 26 years old. I very infrequently (perhaps 2 circumstances in my finished existence) replaced into spanked. between the an prolonged time of roughly sixteen and approximately 22 or so, I went thoroughly greenback wild. intercourse, drugs, alcohol, the full 9 yards... I now and back ponder whether i could have made greater advantageous judgements if I had mum and dad who placed the phobia of God in me. My mum and dad are marvelous christian people, are not getting me incorrect, yet i'm going to have prevented a great sort of anguished years had I been precise disciplined... I have been given away with too plenty, and that i made some stupid judgements... (no fault yet my very own finally, I do comprehend this)... i think of what you probably did is commendable and there is not any longer something incorrect with it. you be responsive to the type between self-discipline and abuse.

Answer 4

I have been abused to by my dad don't feel guilty love for sending the e-mail they say your past comes back to haunt you well his just did and you had every right to do what you did he has got off scott free you were only a babes, i did one better and told all of uk on vanessa feltz show,if anyone gives you any grief over this like your sister or someone else he mentions it too stand your ground because you did nothing wrong i hope you go on ok and feel your sister making wrong decision moving there to him all the best in your future and loads of love from one survivor to another :)

Answer 5

hi just thought i would like to say that YOU are the only person suffering from this it never affected him he seems to have got enjoyment out of what happened and now he is still gaining from all that went on so why peopl turn a blind eye to that happening in the family i dont know but now you can see someone else is being drawn into his web and you done what you thought was best so what more can you do just pray that she finds out what he is really like and when she sees it perhaps she will be just the same as you and people will not listen to her the same as they are not listening to you does that help

Answer 6

Like you, I suffered abuse, but mine was by an aunty, and I didn't tell anyone until i was 21. I think people dont want to believe what has happened, because they feel guilty that they didnt know, so therefore couldnt do anything to help. I am really pleased that you felt relief when you wrote the e-mail, you should be really proud of yourself!!!

Answer 7

Good for you his wife should know its a shame you can't report it now he'll burn in hell.There must be some kind of social services in new zealand contact them and tell them your fears for your nieces all I can say is shame on your sister and pray it does not happen to her children you have warned them what more can you do good luck get some counselling and enjoy your own children

Answer 8

You and your sister need to sort this, u sure he never went near her too she could be blocking it out. You need to get it through to her she is endangering her childrens well being. I would go to authorities with this and then maybe she will believe and remember you have nothing to feel guilty about. with a bit of luck he will go hang himself because of his own guilt theres no place on this earth he can get away from what he has done. I have every sympathy with you, and am glad you feel a release writing about it .Good luck for you and yours with all my love and thoughts

Answer 9

I can't understand your sister at all - theres no way I'd go anywhere near him.

You did the right thing by e-mailing him and telling how you feel and what you remember about that awful time - your relief is justified.

Answer 10

You did nothing wrong, you were the victim here. Your sister is not that smart, Even if she found it hard to believe you I would not chance it with children.