Am I being a fool?

Question

OK, I kinda posted my story as an answer to someone else's question this morning about her boyfriend not sleeping in the same bed with her. Anywhoo-Here's what I want to know-Is it foolish/naive of me to not be suspicious of my boyfriend of 7 years? He has his own business and often comes home late, or comes home for a few hours and is then out all night. This morning he came home in time for me to leave for work (5:30am). This is not an isolated incident. I trust him, but am I being blind and foolish? We have two kids together and like any relationship we have had our ups and downs, but there are other things that concern me like the fact that he has been sleeping on the couch for over a year. He gives excuses for why he doesn't like sleeping in the bed with me but definitely finds me when he wants sex. Sometimes I feel like a fool and other times I just feel like that's how he is and that's how our relationship is. Am I nuts? Does anybody else live this way?

Thanks to all of you that have replied so far. Great feedback. Yeah, I definitely know that something is amiss. The poster who commented on me and my kids being cheated was RIGHT ON! That is exactly how I feel. He is a good guy in so many other respects. To the poster who said I sound like a cool girlfriend, I am. I work full time outside the home, cook, keep the house reasonably clean (as clean as possible with a 4 and 5 yr old), I am ALWAYS at home - not the street running type, don't leave my kids with sitters after work. Once I get off work, I pick up the kids and get home to start on homework, dinner, bath and bed. I do everything I can to simplify. I pack lunches before I go to bed, I lay the kids' clothes out for the next day, etc. The more I read the replies, the stronger I feel that something is not right and I have to get to the bottom of it. Even if it's not an affair, it needs to stop. I wonder if it could be gambling or something. What else could it be?

Answer 1

Well you said that maybe that's just him, and that's how our relationship is. Is that how you want it to be? Maybe he isn't cheating, but I would definately look into it. What reason would he have not wanting to sleep in the same bed as you? Not a good one, I believe. It seems like your relationship is headed in the wrong direction. Obviously you two don't have good communication, or else you would have more insight into why he's coming home when the sun is coming up, and why he chooses to sleep on the coach. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to be in that type of relationship.

Answer 2

Ok if my BF, we live together, if he did that, I would have a serious problem with that. I would definitely be very upset, if not angry. There is no reason why he should stay out all night, and come home late all the time. Ok maybe he works a lot that's ok, but then leaving and staying out all night. No way Jose. How did he sleep if he worked so late? Is it the mattess he doesn't like? Then get a new one. With all that hard work he does, and if he curves his all night outing, which would not fly with me and many many other people, he could save some money, and get a new mattress. I don't think it's normal, unless you've been together 50 years, adn Im sure you haven't. I'm just saying, if you were my friend, I would say look into it. It's not normal. Whether it's ok, that's up to you. If you're happy, that's ok. Maybe you need to revitalize your relationship. Find your way back to each other. You seem like a really cool girlfriend, if I were you he would have had an earful by now. So whatever the REAL problem is, I am sure you can fix it. Everyone grows appart in some ways, but you can always find each other again.

Answer 3

If you have kids together, why haven't you married? If your alarms are going off, (because you asked the question - I would say they are) you need to pay attention. Our instincts are there for a reason. He hasn't bought the cow since he has had the milk for free all these years with you. I would find out where he is until 5:30 in the morning. Don't you feel a little cheated, even if there isn't another woman? What could be so important at work to keep a dad away from his family all night long?

My husband was a workaholic when we first got married and it almost ended our relationship. He actually slept at the office one night. There was nothing going on except that his priorities were screwed up.

Find out what is going on and let your man know you are not going to put up with it anymore. Either way, you and your kids are being cheated out of his time and attention. I would also get to the bottom of his sleeping on the couch. Do you snore?

Good luck to you. I hope this works out well for all.

Answer 4

It's probably nothing to worry about. Things like this happen all the time and it's very understandable if he needs to work a little more in order to pull together the loose ends and support you and your children. If he were really cheating on you, I'd have to say (in my opinion) that it would be unlikely he'd still try to get sex from you, because he'd want to be able to impress his new tramp. It's PROBABLY nothing to worry about, but, just in case, here are a few things you can do and hope he drops some clues for you.

"Surprise" him at work with coffee or something, saying how you were worried that he didn't get enough sleep.

Ask him to take you along with him sometime when he leaves for work at strange hours. If you have a certain number of allowed sick days at your own workplace, this might be a good day to use one. If he gives you a nervous reaction or makes up excuses why you shouldn't go, he might be up to something. Make sure that you are fixed and ready to go by the time he's about to leave so that he can't use the "but you just got out of bed" or "you're not ready yet and I really can't be late" excuses.

Good luck, and I wish you the best!

Answer 5

WOW, thats tough. any man of mine that didn't take me out to town with them, or any man that slept on the couch when there is a cozy warm bed to sleep on...... that makes me wonder. You are in the steps of being suspicious. I would question him and see how he reacts. If he's casual about it, than maybe it's nothing, if he gets into a rage, he is up to no good. If you are content with whats going on, than keep it this way.

It could be possible he is having an affair and it is simple for him, maybe you can make it difficult for him, by calling more, checking up on him, going with him and having a sitter for the kids and he'll love you the more for it or end up leaving you.

Answer 6

No it sounds to me like hes living a double life. You've got two choices, either discuss with him how you feel as after all he is your husband or you follow him one night or just turn up where he is supposed to be and make sure he is there alone! Dont let him just find you when he wants sex, tell him hes got to earn it first by spending more time with you and showing you love and sleeping in the same bed as you.

Answer 7

I guess this might just be me, but I would be seriously thinking that he was cheating on me. My husband cheated on me but it was like nothing changed between us during that time. We would sleep in the same bed, have sex like nothing changed and everything else was the same also, but yet he was with someoen else also. I would just trust your gut feeling...that and talk to him about it and I mean really talk about it, get EVERYTHING out that you are thinking, don't hold anything back. I've learned to do that over the years.

Answer 8

This is definitely suspicious behavior. Where does he go when he goes out all night? He doesn't act like he is in a committed relationship. You are settling for very little from him.

Answer 9

Sorry dear, but no one should have to live this way. I think you're blinding yourself to the facts before you. You're there for his convenience, that's how he treats you from what I can tell. He should show you more care and concern. I think it is time to move on.

Answer 10

Girl, I think you know the answer to this one already. He is Cheating on you and you are allowing it. Men will do to us women what we allow them to do..Kick his A** to the Curb and if you do not have a job, its time to get one and support yourself and your kids. He WILL have to pay you child support, so get a lawyer. Get rid of him before he brings a STD or even worse AIDS home to you..