Why are brides so selfish?

Question

I am a Certified Wedding Planner and I read these boards and listen to brides ask questions like

"Is it ok to ask for money?"
"How do I get the most gifts presents at a shower?"
"How can I get around feeding my guests?"

Traditionally in the Victorian Era weddings were held in your home and as our circle of friends and families got larger weddings moved to banquets halls outside of the home.

You are still to treat your guest as if they were in your home. So you don't ask them to pay for drinks, or cheap out on food or ask for money.

They your wedding guests not sponsors they are not there to pay for the event.

If you can't afford a big wedding than have a small one.

PS. To the person who suggested that I would not pass this on to my clients.

I do not take weddings with cash bars and other bad etiquette.

I would rather take a bride who has a $5000 budget who only invited 50 ppl and shows them a good time with great food and open bar. - then a bride who has 20,000 who tries to spread it among 300 people and ends up serving a lousy cheap meal and has a cash bar.

It is my name on the line and I don't want to be associated with bad etiquette. It is the people who have smaller budgets who need my services more because I can take a $5000 budget and turn it in to a 10,000 budget.

Answer 1

I just saw a news program about "Generation I " (and that is the letter i") or "the Trophy Generation". How teens and 20s think they are entitled, and that everything is about them.

check out: "Why College Students think they are So Special" http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17349066/?GT1=9145

It seems that parents have gone overboard with trying to boost self-esteem - awards for effort, etc. that it has created a generation of younger adults that think the world revolves around them. Have you see "My Sweet 16 on MTV" ?

I can only assume that this is contributes to the "it's about ME" syndrome. It's tacky and unbecoming. Don't these girls have parents? Whatever happened to the social grace of being a good hostess regardless of the situation. It doesn't mean you have to provide open and bar and a fancy sit down - but you should look at your guests as YOUR GUESTS and their comfort and enjoyment is a reflection of you. There is a difference between cutting corners, which is tacky, and working within your budget.

PS - I do have to disagree with you on your cash bar policy. I do not think that alcohol is necessary for a good time and I would choose not to provide hard liquor for my guests. I would be happy to provide all the sodas, tea, coffee (and for an evening event, perhaps beer and wine for a bit) for free, but neither would I deny them their right to drink - hence the cash bar. And I consider myself very etiquette driven. It's also a liability issue as well and I've been to too many Open Bar events that end up feeling tacky because too many people over indulged.

Answer 2

I kind of take offense to this guestion being that I am a Bride 2 Be (June 23, 2007). Not all of us are selfish and whiney and just want gifts. But in a ways I also completely understand. I know all about wedding etiquette. I have done my homework. I know what I can do and what I can't do. What is looked down upon but still accepted. Everything! It is irritating to hear alot of brides only thinking about themselves and being ridiculously cheap. I do agree that if you can't afford a big wedding then have a small one. But please don't place all of us other brides that are trying to do the right thing into that same category. But very good question! I'd love to know why too.

Answer 3

I completely agree that many brides are selfish I can't stand when I see people asking "does anyone want to sponsor my wedding" and "who should be paying for this and that". People don't understand that most brides and grooms have to pay for everything themselves. You should never be asking for anyone to pay for anything for you. If someone wants to pay for something, then they will OFFER. I am planning my own wedding now, and at this point I have not asked anyone for anything, and my parents had just offered to pay for the open bar as one our wedding gifts. Again, I never asked though...What I am concentrating on for my wedding is spending the most money on the things I find most important which are the food, drinks, and dj. But for most everything else, I found ways where I can make things myself to save on lots of costs. I don't think many people have the reality of how much things cost for a wedding. If you know where to spend more money and where not to waste money, then you can plan a fabulous wedding with a smaller budget.

Answer 4

I know it is rude to ask for money, I agree, and it is bad that people expect gifts. I would NEVER ask/hint for money, and we have everything, we don't expect any gifts at all.

However, you are still stuck in Victorian times, great for you if you only take weddings that don't have a cash bar, some people can't afford to pay for their guests to drink all night, I have seen guests order triple spirit measures, just coz the bar is free, that to me is also appalling manners, for people to deliberately exploit their friends. And just coz you are a "planner" who says you are right???? I'd never hire a planner, complete was of time and money, why should you get rich from my wedding eh??? And besides, I want to be involved and plan my wedding with my fiance, I don't need an outside person telling me what to do, what is right or wrong etc, if we all did that every wedding would be the same, with added extras that just benefit the planner. Girls, I say PLAN YOUR OWN WEDDINGS!!!!!!!! I've been to hundreds of weddings with a cash bar, and have never ever once felt it was rude to buy my own drinks, if I was going to a party I'd take my own alcohol along with me anyway, so what's the difference?

Answer 5

you know, i agree with you on some points. but for you to imply that people are cheap is absurd!!! maybe not everyone can afford a $100,000 wedding. as for cash bars. i had one at my wedding and not one person made a comment. sorry if i couldnt afford an extra $40 per person for alcohol. we paid for soda, jusice and water. a guest should NEVER expect to have an open bar at a wedding. ive actually been to a wedding where money was no object to these people and they had a cash bar. they even had a 5 course meal!!! i had a buffet. which people enjoyed!!!! i recieved not one negative comment, even to this day i still have people telling me how great the food was and how everything about my wedding was well thought out and they wished they could have done the same. i was in a wedding that had an open bar, spent waaaay more money than i did and people who attended my wedding and her wedding, sid mine was way better, and enjoyed my food better. people actually partied at my wedding, unlike the stuffy uptight one i was in as a maid of honor. I planned my wedding with out some stuck up person telling me that i was cheap!!!! you can not go around judging people on how much they can afford for a wedding.

I hope to god you are not really a wedding planner. and if you are i seriously feel dorry for people who are stupid enough to pay you!!!!!!

Answer 6

Ok most of the things you mentioned I agree with but I will never agree that a cash bar is wrong if I'm not gonna drink I'm not gonna pay for everyone else to get drunk. I do not buy liquor for everybody else when I have a party they are byob so my wedding is buy your own booze too. Besides if someone has a budget of only $5000 spending any of it on a wedding planner doesn't make much sense anyway if they cut your costs out in the first place they could afford to pay for peoples booze.

Answer 7

If they don't have the money to spend then they should not be hiring a wedding planner. It is OK to think about how you can get the most gift, but not to say it out loud. It is OK to have a money dance, in fact it is tradition in the south. If you can't afford to treat your guest then you need to elope. That's what my hubby and i did. We were broke so we ran off to the beach and got married by a justice of the peace. I still had a dress and photographer and cake so we spent the money in the important parts and it was so romantic!

Answer 8

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I know every girl wants to have the wedding of her dreams, but reality has to set in. Most parents now just don't have the money for a huge extravaganza. I say, pare down the list. You'd be amazed at the number of people who don't really care if they are invited or not. I know I'm scared to death about when my daughter tells me she wants to have a huge wedding. We've scrapped our whole lives to give our kids a great private education, and never saved for our retirement. All the money went towards them, and we had 5 kids. We didn't mind spending it, because we thought it was worth it. Now we have to make up for lost time. If brides get anything out of this, please scale it back. On the other hand, grooms, it's time you guys kicked in and helped pay for this. It's your ceremony too.

Answer 9

I got married recently and I did not cheap out on stuff like food. I wanted the most for my money and was very picky when it came to reception venues.

I am just saying that weddings in general tend to be very expensive abd people are constantly looking for ways to cut costs and to get as much as possible out of the expereince.People should not spend what they do not have and work within a set budget.

Answer 10

Why is it always the bride's fault?

I wanted a small, intimate wedding with not a lot of people. Unfortunately, my father is one of eight and my mother is one of six. Every one of my aunts and uncles have at least one child. Can't invite one and not the other, I was told. I was given a budget to work with and a list of people I had to invite. That actually was not that bad. Then my fiance's parents gave me their list. Most of them I've never even heard of, let alone met. I wanted to get rid of most of them. "These people absolutely can not be cut" Well, then, you'll have to give me more money. Nope, can't do that. Well, then, we're cutting them. Well, then, we'll take back the money we are giving you. Well, then we'll elope. Well, then, we'll disown you.

Since that was not an option, we had to go with a cash bar. Sorry to offend you. If you are upset, don't come. I am more happy with that than you can ever imagine!!

My fiance's parents actually told me that I had to have a large shower because, "we give and give to all of these people and it's our turn to get it back." Yes, notice the quotes. As far as I remember, the shower gifts go to the bride and groom to be, not the groom's parents. AND they're not paying for any of the shower, so they decided to invite a monstrous number of people.

Not exactly a happy moment for all brides.