Moving out of parents' house soon; how do I deal with anger now?

Question

I'm moving out in a few months, but my parents are treating me harshly/unfairly now. I'm 20 yrs old and not a partier/druggie or anything crazy, so they have nothing to worry about but they worry anyway, and their anxieties are driving me insane.
Also, I've read that kids lash out in anger when they're moving out in a subconscious effort to ease transition or something... Because I know my parents would hold that against me, I have been really careful with my attitude and everything, but they still treat me like I've done everything wrong.
An example is that I tried to help with unloading groceries one day and instead my dad just told me nastily to go away. They're constantly treating me like that with that attitude and I never get any apologies. They just assume that the problem has gone away since THEY got over it and if I haven't, it's because I'm grudge-holding or overreacting.
Any advice appreciated. I need to talk to them or I'll go nuts, any clues as to what I should say?

re: moving out, I'll be more clear: It's understood that I'm moving out, that is totally settled, but the move-in date isn't for another couple of months. For the time-being, the environment is hostile (I think so anyway, I'm not sure if they've picked up on it), so I want to clear the air before I leave. I'm looking for things, statements, etc, whatever might best express how I'm feeling while remaining respectful to my parents. I'll probably confront them with this matter within the next week, so I'm just looking for helpful things to say for both parties.
Also for the record I just turned 20 two months ago.

Answer 1

I am a mother, of a child whom is leaving home for the first time, she is 19, and I admit I have been short with her, and maybe a bit angry, I am having trouble dealing with her leaving, and I think I have dealt with it very wrong, The closer it gets to her going, the more anixous I get, the more worrisome I become. Personally, for myself, It is my fears that I did not teach her everything she needs to know to begin her life's journey without my guidance, did I teach her all she needs to know to protect herself, and to be a productive, happy adult? I have wrongly projected my feelings to my daughter. I want so much to just tell her, that the anger is my fault not her's I have not found the way to tell her these things. I have confidence in her , but I am having trouble dealing with the fact she is no longer my little girl, but my young adult child whom is beginning her adult life. I will always be here for her, and I also fear she will no longer need me. I am sure that your parents do not realize that they are even doing this, it could be them just trying to make your leaving easier on themselves, or your leaving easier for you. I know that in analyzing my situation, I am the one whom is trying to make it easier for myself, selfishly, I am not saying that it is ok to do this, and, trust me I hate myself for it. I would try to find a way to communicate with your parents before you go, I know I am going to talk to my daughter soon! I never want her to think she cannot come to me for help when she needs it. Talk to them soon...

Answer 2

It sounds like you're a better objective analyzer of the situation than they are. I hope this won't be a case when the kids outgrow the parents and the child never gets closure over the situation but sometimes that happens.

To try and open up a conversation, you might try it over a sit down dinner when you know they'll be obligated to stay put for a little while and discuss their feelings over your leaving, have them identify exactly what their worries are, etc.

"Mom, Dad, I'm about to move out as you know and I'd like to make sure everything is out in the open before I do. I can tell y'all are still upset (or worried) over some things and I just want to know what they are so I can work on them. I feel like I've been doing a good job with things and that y'all have been getting upset over nothing lately. Maybe I'm missing something. What do you think?"

Answer 3

use this as a learning tool as what not to do to your kid if you have one.
your parents are upset that they are losing most or all control over you and they resent this but maybe not on a conscious level.

just grin and bare it and remember they are your parents and when you are gone out of their house they probably treat you better when you are on your own..thats if they still want a relationship with you..if they don't change their behaviour for a more mature outlook toward you...then just gently tell them you will not tolerate being their whipping boy or girl.
Whenever you do this pick your battles and don't lash out at them when they are upset as you will only add fuel to the fire.
Just wait until everyone has calmed down..even if you have to walk away until this happens. Sometimes you have to be the parent to your parent.

Answer 4

Just sit down and ask your parents why you are being treated the way you are, and ask them if it has anything to do with you moving out? Tell your parents they need to trust you and not worry, that you have given them nothing to worry about. Tell them you love them and want them to still be a part of your life, but that the way you are being treated needs to be resolved.

Answer 5

its hard for parents to watch their children move out even though this is what we have been moving towards since the day we brought you home.they might not even know they are coming off as hostile they are worried i am sure i was when my son moved out and i told him so and he told me something that eased my fears and made me proud he said mom i am the man you raised me to be i am smart,strong and ready to show you what a great job you have done. he was right and he did just that, he showed me that the man he has become was ready. good luck on your move alway be safe and try to make good choices and remember your folks have put alot of time into holding you and protecting you so its going to be hard for them to let go but they will and you will show them it was a job well done

Answer 6

Come on Emma, they want you out. It is all natural, you are grown up, they know it is time for you to face the world. What is holding you, they have their own life, they spend all their life growing you up now they want some time together.

Take their attitude positive, i don't say don't talk to them and leave but treat them as matured friend. Start with your mom first and later talk to your dad. Tell him that you want to move and see what they have to say.

Sooner the better, i should say you parents are real smart.

Answer 7

My parents were the same..... it's because it is their last chance to tell you off..... once you are gone they wont be able to threaten to kick you out or send you to your room .... they lose all power over you....and they dont like it....
The only time they will ever get it back is if you borrow some money from them....then you will never hear the end of it....

Good Luck.....by the way it is kind of expensive living on your own.... lots of bills and mortgage payments....X

Answer 8

If you're an only child or the first child to leave home.I can almost see them feeling worried,maybe its making them realize just how old they are by you being old enough to be on you're own,they are worried about you're well being,and that would cause them to be harsh with you.But,is no excuse for them to treat you this way.You need to talk to them about their behavior towards you and let them know that you are an adult and need you're Independence and to experience things on you're own.I think it's hurting them that you want to leave home.But,it's time to cut the apron strings.

Answer 9

Emma,

Seems to me you're a responsible young lady who will do just fine on her own. You're not a 'kid,' and should not refer to yourself as such. Your transition will be as smooth or as rough as you make it...don't concern yourself so much with what you've 'heard' or read.

If you're lucky enough to have your parents around until you're going gray, they will still see you as their child. Just as you're going to need time to adjust to a new lifestyle, just remember that it's going to be new to them as well. Any overt anger or 'nastiness' on their part, though severely misdirected is probably their first steps in realizing that transition that is now inevitable...and it probably angers them that there ain't a whole helluva lot they can do about it.

The best thing you can do is to keep doing right. Go make it on your own and have them over for dinner at your place every once in a while, and make it known to them that your door is always open for them. Once they see that you're doing fine on your own, they'll relax...a bit.

Answer 10

1st of all how old in your 20's are you? Maybe it is time you got out. Just like the animal kingdom the parents kick out the young when old enough to fend for themselves, Unlike my brother-in-law who wouldn't get out my in-laws moved away themselves. I was out on my own at 21. Think real hard on how you would feel if in their place.