Could I still be suffering from PPD even though my son is now 2 years old?

Question

I was never diagnosed with PPD but alot of people told me I had the symptoms of it. I can't really afford to go to the dr. So I just bared with it and tried to make it through hoping that it would just go away.

I have been, recently, having more and more disturbing images pop into my head for no reason and they are so bad that I just want to throw up. For instance today I was out side with my brother holding a gun because he was cleaning up around my mom and my families house and the gun was for protection against venimous snakes that might be under some of the things he was moving around and hauling off.

Well I looked over at my son, who was in a play pen on the pourch so he would be safely out of the way and still be in eye view, and for some reason the image of him with a bullet hole through is forehead popped into my head and him lieing in the play pen with blood all around him.

(contiuned in additional details..please don't answer yet)

I looked away from him as quickly as I could with my stomach churning. I just wanted to drop the gun and run away from my brother and from my son. ..This hasn't been the 1st image I have had either. They seem to pop up alot. Like when I am doing laundry and I picture my son being in washing machine.
All of the images involve alot of blood and gore..Also I don't picture killing him..just the after effects after he has been killed. He also isn't the only one that I have pictured either..Today I also pictured my brother being shot and dead as well.
I hurry and try to change my thoughts and they do change but there is like this burnt after image still stuck in my head that won't go away.
I also have been crying for no apparent reason and I feel werid like...I am not normal.

If I am still suffering from PPD what should I do? Should I go to a dr and if I should what kind of dr should I go to. Would a family type dr work?

Ok, You can answer now.

Well it's not like I go around moping all the time or anything. I run around and play with my son constantly. It's just for no reason at all these images just seem to pop up in my head and I can't get rid of them.

It's like "oh hey her gaurd is down." and BOOM there it is and I have the hardest time making it go away.

It's sorta like if someone shoved a disturbing picture in front of your face and you have to look at it because it is right there and you can't turn away with out seeing some bit of it and then the image just stays with you through out the day because it disturbed you that much.

No no, Some of you are taking what I said all wrong. I am not seeing hallucinations..I know what they are..what I see is just an image. I am not the one that is doing the killing or harming. I would never harm myself or my child in ANY WAY!!! I will make that very clear right now!

I am not wanting to kill anyone or myself and when these "pictures" as I call them appear I try to stay positive and "think happy thoughts" but it is a bit hard because the image is burnt into my mind.

This doesn't just involve weapons either..IE the gun, For instance some of them involve cars and such...I never see the harming take place..Just the after effects of it..when these images appear I feel horrible. Most of the time I just want to scream to make the image go away because it is one of my loved ones and I don't want to see them like that.

Before I got pregnant I didn't value my life as much as I do now. Mostly because my son depends upon me so much that I couldn't imagine my life with out him or any one of my loved ones. Also I would just like to say that I am poor...I have no nest egg...My family lives from pay check to pay check.

Answer 1

What you are describing is beyond PPD and is called "puerperal psychosis".

From http://www.obgyn.net/femalepatient/default.asp?page=leopold :
"At the other end of the spectrum is the truly devastating puerperal psychosis. A comparatively rare disease, it complicates only 0.1% to 0.2% of deliveries--but this is 12 to 14.5 times the prenatal incidence of psychosis. Symptoms generally present within the first 4 weeks postpartum, when the risk of hospitalization is 22 times greater, but can manifest up to 90 days after delivery. A second, smaller, peak in incidence is evident at 18 to 24 months. Patients suffering from puerperal psychosis are severely impaired, suffering from hallucinations and delusions that frequently focus on the infant dying or being divine or demonic. These hallucinations often command the patient to hurt herself or others, placing these mothers at the highest risk for committing infanticide and/or suicide."

Yes, it can continue on and on if it goes untreated, even two years after the child's birth. And it can also start more mildly and get worse over time.

For your safety and for your child's safety, I strongly suggest you consider this an emergency and use some of your savings to pay for treatment. This is more important than your nest egg, because you will not be able to use your nest egg if you are dead or in jail.

There is no shame in needing psychiatric treatment. So many of us do! It is the fault of the chemicals in your brain -- not your fault -- and it can be treated. Your life will be so much better after completing treatment, trust me.

Best of luck, and good for you for admitting that there is a problem! That is the first step towards being cured.

EDIT---------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
I just saw your additional statements, and I was thinking:
Perhaps you had one such image once and it really disturbed you, so you started worrying "I hope I will not have one of those images again!" all the time. And because you are so worried about seeing another image, you DO see another image. Understand what I mean?

Here is a classic example: Try NOT to imagine a pink hippopotamus wearing a tutu and dancing ballet.
You saw it, right? You saw it because you were concerned with trying NOT to see it.

So perhaps it's the same story with the images you have been seeing. Maybe if you relax about it a bit, you will stop seeing them.

If not, and since there is no nest egg, try to find out what free services are offered in your city.

Answer 2

You really should wish the bad thoughts away and start thinking of positive happy things... how often do you get them?... First you should try to help yourself in getting rid of these thoughts before you go see a doctor... your images could be from your fear of your loved ones getting hurt... Maybe your mind was going through a thought process of what could happen with this gun around, and your baby close by... I know I wouldn't want a gun anywhere near my kids... and yes it's easy to picture what can happen with a gun around... you should see a doctor if you feel you can hurt someone... If you know you can't hurt anyone, then just try helping yourself first...by getting rid of these thoughts

Answer 3

Do you have state mental health outreach where you live? This sounds a bit different from just depression. The mental imagery sounds disturbing and must cause anxiety. Can you afford some fish oil supplements and magnesium? Both these things could help you, but you should find someone to talk to who can help to modify your thinking so it doesn't run to such morbid thoughts. Moms of little kids do best when they are playful and happy, too.

A family doctor should be able to direct you.

Answer 4

PLEASE GET HELP IMMEDIATELY!!!!!

Even though you are not having thoughts of suicide, you are in a critical state. Your action could be a form of suicide that wants to take others with you. GET HELP!!! Call the following number NOW!!!!

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. If you need help, please dial 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You will be routed to the closest possible crisis center in your area. With over 120 crisis centers across the country, our mission is to provide immediate assistance to anyone seeking mental health services. Call for yourself, or someone you care about. Your call is free and confidential.

Answer 5

JUST FORGET ABOUT PPD SINCE THE DURATION AND THE PRESENTATION OF THE PROBLEMS U FACE DOESNOT HAVE ANY RELATION WITH PPD BUT YOU NEED TO HAVE A PSYCHIATRIC ASSESSMENT TO KNOW WHETHER U HAVE FEW DEPRESSIVE COGNITIONS & TO RULE OUT ASSOSIATED PSYCHOTIC FEATURES. SO MEET A PSYCHIATRIST. PLEASE NO HOME REMEDY