My child does not get along with one other child?

Question

My nine year old has a problem with one other child in her class. My child says this other girl is annoying. My child just can't stand the girl. My child has been caught twice drawing pictures of this other child (like falling off a mountain, burning in hell and crying). The girl is in no way an innocent victim according to the teacher and provokes a lot things like this. I have punished my child because I think her actions are very wrong and she needs to learn tolerance. I believe she does not htink it is wrong unless she is caught. What should I do.

My child was suspended from school this morning because of this. I saw the pictures she drew of the other child and she wrote that the other girl should be executed.I am about beside myself.

Answer 1

This is a very touchy subject for me. I don't think I can give you a right or wrong answer. We had a similar experience last year.

Our daughter and another girl in her class shared a best friend that lives close by. This girl in her class was always talking and walking around the classroom, which she never got in trouble for. This irritated our daughter because our daughter would lose recess and stuff for talking in class, which she only did because she was so bored (she was done with her work well ahead of the other kids). We asked the teacher to make things fair in class and her answer was to seat the 2 girls next to each other. Our daughter then got in trouble for the other little girl talking on top of her own talking from boredom. Our daughter complained that the little girl stunk all the time and was full of cat hair which would get on her. When we mentioned this to the teacher, we were told we should feel bad for her that her mother didn't take better care of her. Things just progressed through the year with the teacher refusing to seperate them and we continued to tell our daughter to be tolerent and to respect the little girl. However, by the end of the year, the other little girl started getting jealous of the friendship with the girl that lives nearby. It got so bad, our daughter started coming home with marks on her from the little girl hitting her on the bus. The teacher and principal refused to do anything. We insisted our daughter ignore her the best she could and continue to tolerate her and respect her. It finally came to a head and this little girl threatened to kill our daughter. Finally, the teacher seperated them in class, but the principal refused to do anything about the bus issue other than them not sitting near each other. We ended up having to take our daughter to school each day because she was so scared of this girl. The principal said that the girls were too young for such a threat to be carried out. We even asked the counselor to talk to our daughter to make sure she was ok, but they proceeded to call this little girl into the session with the counselor where the little girl was allowed to talk and not our daughter. (This all happened at than a 4th grade level.)

Our biggest regret is that we told our daughter to tolerate this girl and show her respect. We know she did because the teacher told us she did and kids on the bus did as well. We had plenty proof that our daughter didn't start any of the tension between them. Now, we fully believe our daughter should have stood up to her more and we should have forced the school's and teacher's hand. We've also been told by professionals that if that girl was capable of making that threat, she was also capable of carrying it out. We've since changed schools. We've told our daughter that she'll never get along with everyone, but she still has to tolerate and respect them. However, she's allowed to defend herself as well. It's important for them to know that things are hard in this world and that they have to learn to get along, but they also shouldn't become victims.

Obviously, your daughter and this girl don't get along. Everything in your power should be done to handle this situation before it gets out of control. Be happy your daughter is releasing her anger in the pictures. Maybe you can get the school counselor or another professional to talk to her. If at all possible, they need to be seperated in class, if not different classrooms.

Sorry I don't have the answer, but we wish you luck with this situation.

Answer 2

Turn this into a lesson on life skills! Since this girl is in your child's class and there is still more time in the school year, your child will have to learn tolerance no matter what because your child needs to deal with this other girl one way or another. I feel that it is important to focus on discussing with and teaching your child the best way to deal with others that he/she may not like. It is important to focus on respect despite how annoyed we get with others. I always explain to my students that you are not going to like or get along with everybody you meet in life, but you need to always be respectful of others. Discuss what you do when you have had to deal with people that annoyed you and collaborate on a plan. Besides drawing unkind pictures of this other child, has your child done anything else? Because drawing pictures can be a type of therapy for many kids. It's a great way to get things off their chest. I would advise that your child does it in private so that this girl's feeling don't get hurt and perhaps further escalate the ongoing problem. If your collaborative strategies with your child don't work, get together with your child's teacher and figure out what can be done. As a teacher, I always want to know and help if one of my students is having a problem. These types of conflicts can affect the learning environment and the progress of the students involved. Good luck!

Answer 3

Is it a possibility to invite the child over for a play date? Getting the children out of the classroom, and alone in a fun setting might make your daughter realize , the annoying one is not so bad after all. My daughter would not hang out with our neighbor because she was intimidating, since we have only lived here a year and she did not really know the neighbor and I had met the family, I invited the girl to go on a bike ride with my daughter one day. My daughter was pissed at first( she's 10 , that happens a lot) but once I explained that if she still felt uncomfortable after a few minutes , to come home and I would never set her up again.They had a great time and even though , they do not hang out, they do greet each other at school and wave when we meet in the street. My daughter is no longer intimidated by her. The girl's mom thanked me, neither of us could understand why they were both being so awkward about each other but yet both bored at home.

Answer 4

I used to do things like that. My dad kind of encouraged me when I got caught. He said,"Well if thats truly what you want you can get cought and do whatever you want to that girl but you will be facing the concequences when they come." And so I thought about it and then I stopped and it turns out I am the persons best friend now. We still laugh about all of that today. So if you say something like that then I think that will make her think about it a little closer. And to show that it's not the nicest thing put a picture of her on the refridgerator of her falling off a mountain or something and see how she feels about that.
Good Luck!

Answer 5

You need to get to the root of the problem. There has to be more to it than "she's annoying". I would maybe talk to the girl's mom and find out if the feelings are mutual, or maybe talk to the school counselor about what would be appropriate for the two of them to work this out. It's important to address this now because when your daughter is a teen and has these feelings towards a girl, she may make a choice that has serious consequences.

Answer 6

This may sound odd but please hear me out- I think I can help you and your daughter.

What your daughter is doing is a good thing. If you make her stop drawing these things it won't make her stop thinking them. Since those thoughts are still going to be there she needs a way to get them out. Drawing mean pictures of this girl is a lot better than your daughter going up to the girl and telling her to "Burn in hell". Also, if she doesn't get these frustrations out by drawing, they will come out eventually in another form.

Your daughter does need to learn to be tolerant of annoying kids but that tolerance can only go so far. Have a set of reasonable rules such as: Don't go out of your way to be mean to someone you don't like. Don't tell the world that you don't like this person. Don't gang up on a person you don't like. If they are a turd to you, go ahead and give it back to them. If you have bad feelings about a person you don't like, express those feelings in an acceptable way such as talking to mom and dad, writing in your journal, or (in your daughter's case) drawing pictures.

As long as your daughter isn't passing these pictures around the class, let her draw them. Like I said, keeping her from drawing them won't make her stop thinking about them, if anything she may think about them more because she isn't getting them out of her system.

Answer 7

can you say you get alone with everyone you meet

she has a right to her feelings

but you are right she can not draw the pictures that is wrong its like talking badly behind someones back and then making sure they hear you

as far as punishment first i would try talking to her second have a meeting with the other child's mother and have the girls talk to each other

it may come to having one of the children moved out of the class

Answer 8

good on you for punishing your child. Provocked or not this is not the way to behave. Explain to her that there wil always be people in life you don't like that you have to deal with and she needs to learn now how to deal with it. It's good you are talking with the teacher and she is being helpful. Continue to punish the bad behaviour and encourage her to stay away from this child. It would also be worth requesting they are not together next year in class (or if your kids go up mid year where you are then , then)

Answer 9

You are right in trying to teach her tolerance - there are a lot of annoying people out there, she has to learn to deal with it. I would ask her teacher how she suggests you handle it - I'm sure this isn't the first time something like this has happened.

Answer 10

Do not pay attention to the behavior (huh yeah i know keep reading) the more attention you pay to a behavior the more likely it is to be repeated. Her and the other girl just want attention. The next time that your child draws her burning in hell, tell her to draw something that is truly negative burning in hell. Tell her to draw the big bad wolf crying. More than likely both children see something in each other that they like and our jealous of it.