what do you say to a mom who has never been there?

Question

My mom has never really been a part of my life, i always wanted the hole mother daughter thing but it just never happened. Now im a mom with a set of twins. they are 6 mo's old and she has not seen them she called me and said she was going to come over on sunday, i waited all day she never showed, or called. Im tired of trying to make a realationship with her, I want to tell her how much she hurt me, but i have never been good with words. I have done everything to make her proud of me, i have a great job. im the first one in my family to get married, and have a nice house. what can i say to her to make her see, what a great daughter she is missing out on knowing?Please help me find the right words.Please.

i like both off the answers i have got, I might just write her a letter and then go on with my life, and i have promisid to be a better parent to my kids so they never know how much it hurts for a parent to hurt you that away, thank you.

Answer 1

You say you are not good with words however there seems to be no problem expressing yourself in writing. I can't advise you with what to say but I would suggest to write her a letter outling everything you've just put in your question but in more detail.

Answer 2

My dream was to have that Mother/daughter thing as well. It has never happened...and at this point I have given up the dream. I have never been sure if she ever loved me, much less liked me or was proud of anything I have ever done...

I have three beautiful girls of my own and they KNOW that at all times no matter what I LOVE THEM, AM PROUD OF THEM AND WILL BE THERE FOR THEM ALWAYS. As the old saying goes....The buck stops here. I refuse to be the same parent that my mother was. And every morning when they kiss me good-bye as they go to school & every night when they kiss me goodnight I know that I am not.

I don't know why my mother is the way she is, but I don't care anymore. She made her decisions....and she can live alone with them. I will never have the chance to tell my Mom anything about how I feel or what she has done to me....as far as she is concerned she is a great mother and I am the awful daughter. Oh well, sometimes I guess you just have to turn and walk away.
Your mom may never give you the chance to say "Look at me! See what I have done! Love me, be proud of me! Accept me!" Writing a letter may help, or it may not. Do whatever it takes to find some peace....but don't let it become an obsession that comsumes you and keeps you from moving on with your life.
Good luck & Best wishes.

Answer 3

Wow, I am sorry to hear about your situation.If you have a hard time getting the words out, or are afraid to risk what she may or may not say once you do. Then try writing it out on paper and hand deliver it to her, and wait for a response. Or you could just drop it in the mail. Whatever you choose to do just remember that sometimes in life there are people who just CANNOT be pleased.
I have a similar situation in that two of my family members are only pleased with me when I'm doing something for them. When I say no or that I cant, they talk about me to my children or wont have anything to do with me.....that is until they want something from me again. There is nothing that you can do, except let her know how you feel.
Focus on the positve with her, meaning...tell her that you love her and desire a closer relationship with her. Tell her that the distance you feel between the two of you hurts you. Dont mention the specifics of what she does that hurts you, unless she ask's. First make sure that you and her are on the same page. If she is, there is plenty of time to mention what things you find are hurtfull to you.
If this does not promote a change, avoid like the plague being bitter. Instead walk away from this experience a better person and mother. I make sure that my love for my children is unconditional, and unmerited. My children do not need to perform for me or meet my expectations. I tell them that if they choose to be a street sweeper or a doctor, I'll be no less proud of them.
And one final thing, my grandmother was the youngest of 13 children. She was given to her aunt to be raised, at birth. After her aunt died she found out her aunt was not her mother. Long story short...she found her real mother when she was in her 60's(my grandmother), and contacted her. My grandmother told her mother how happy she was to find and speak with her, she requested to meet her.
Her mother than told her that she didn't want to see her, wished she never had her and that she hated her. My grand mother was quiet and then responded "well, I still love you". My grandmother then hung up the phone. Her mother died a week later. My grandmother died last year, and I will never forget the kindness, love, and strength that she showed to her mother.
I can only hope to live my life with such grace and mercy. Good luck sweetie, and God Bless. Missy

Answer 4

Hey! my mom has never been a part of my life either she is in my life now as I am 33 but it's not like a mother daughter thing either, I feel pretty uncomfortable around her really. I don't even know her and she tells me alot of times that she will come and visit me and her grandson's but she never comes but I am an adult and I learned to just live my life and if she wants to be a part of us well fine but if not I'm not going to die right. I don't make it a chore to let her see what a great daughter I am, I raised myself so she really has nothing to be proud of other than the fact that I forgave her for not being there for any of us when we were kids. Best I can say is don't wear yourself out trying to show your mother a dam thing, you got where you are today by being strong and getting through your battles in life, just enjoy your family and if she wants to be a part of yours well right on cool but don't keep hurting yourself trying to prove anything to her. Your a wonderful mother to your children and your there of them and that's what counts.

Chow.

Answer 5

This is like a retrospective.
When I was growing up, I never was able to "feel" my mother's love either. She may have been there physically, but I never felt her love, not in the way I needed it anyway.

So I grew up and married, had my own children and still missed that mother-love. I searched for it many a year, went through therapy and finally, in my late 30's discovered (much to my own amazement) that I had consciously decided that if my mother couldn't give me what I needed then I needed to become my own mother and give myself all the love I missed. It was my epiphany! Since that time, I've learned how to love myself completely, warts and all as well as learning how to love others deeply and unconditionally.
When I became my own mother, I became a free woman with nothing clouding my vision and nothing to hold me back. I also realized then that my mom had loved me, but because she was one of 7 children that her own mother might not have been able to show each child that same love each needed. So my mom never learned even how to say, "I Love You." My sister and I taught her to say it finally before she died. I've never stopped saying it to myself, my children, my relatives and my friends.

You've been badly disappointed and left bereft of mother-love. There seems little you can do except express to her, in writing I suggest, what you feel like you've been missing. Once that's done, try putting the whole thing out of your mind and moving forward with your own life, not having to "prove" to her (or anyone)how much of a loveable woman and mother you are.

She may one day have enough insight to her own life and what's she's missed to make some radical changes to bring union between you, but I wouldn't count on it, you know what I mean?

If she comes around, so be it. You'll always love her because she is still your mother. Don't shut yourself off from that but just keep moving on with your life, lovingly.

From my own experience I can tell you that because of the lack in my early years, I decided it would be different in my life and I've overcome that missed connection; it's made me stronger and if possible, more understanding and compassionate and certainly more sensitive to other people's feelings good bad or indifferent.

You'll find life is wonderful even without that lady you wish you could impress. You needn't compete with anyone...just be your own wonderful self. Your twins will love you all the more for what you've learned to give them. And...you've broken a pattern and started a new cycle of loving. Isn't that great. Aren't you wonderful?
Of course we are!
HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE !
A Mother

Answer 6

I hear you totally. When it comes to raising my own kidz - I use "she who bore me" as an example - of what NOT to do. You are a great person - I am an alright person too. For years I tried to win her acceptance but it was never enough for her. I stopped and felt SO much better when released from that burden - write that letter - let her come to you now - I doubt she will though. YOu will know you have done all can - hold your head high. You have suceeded inspite of her treatment of you.
I am not quite to the point of walking away and not looking back but I'm getting closer
Surround yourself with loving people who care for you.

Take Gentle Care

Cyn

Answer 7

Well the best thing to do is meet with your mother,sit down with her,and talk.If she can't meet up with you then tell her over the phone how you really feel.Holding all that anger inside is just gonna make things worse.And if she's not trying to hear that then let it go.You said you turned out great without her.So therefore you don't need her...

Answer 8

i went through the same thing and i cut her off and never looked back,ya know.but thank her because you will be a better parent in spite of her.i am