I'm new stepmom and newly married for the 1st time!!! help!! *crazy X wife too?

Question

I need some help from you guys who understand my sit. I've been married 1 year I'm 23, I have no kids and never lived with kids my husband, just recently gained custody of his 6 year old son, b/c his mother is a corrupted alcoholic/druggy with a severe bi-polar disorder, and loves to screw with peoples head and make ky life a living hell!!! We are a Navy family we transferred to bangor washington just to get the hell away from her!!! she's only allowed to call 2x a week and when she does she starts so much drama gets my husband on the phone and rowled up and and tell my stepson to never listen to us and to be mean to me, it breaks my heart!!! my stepson always has a bad attitude with meafter he talks to his mom and I feel as if half the time me and my husband are on two different ends of the spetrum and always fighting! I try too withstand a lot of this stress and be a good wife and step mom! I've never been married or have kids???? I feel like I'm going to have a nervous break down!

Answer 1

I really feel for you. I hate my husbands ex wife too.

Answer 2

I am a step parent also of a 9 year old girl. It is difficult to say the least. Remeber to seperate the child from the situation, it would help to go to a step mom group or something of that nature. It hard to be a step mom because you have all the responsibilities as a mother but really don't get the credit you deserve. Nor can you really take credit, I do feel for you. It is going to be a process. Make sure you keep communication with your husband. Make sure you make plans for you and your step son like go to the movies or museum. I bought my step daughter book about having two families. You are putting way too much stress on yourself. Don't get overly involved in what happens during the phone conversations your husband is feeling pressure from both angles. Don't let the ex-wife win. Support your husband and just listen to him. You guys have to set boundries with the ex. Let her realize that she can not huff and puff and blow your home down.

Answer 3

I watched a former CO of mine go through the same thing. He got custody of the 2 boys for about the same reason your husband got custody.

When his ex-wife would start that stuff on the phone, he would politely tell her to either calm down or he'd hang up.
Oftentimes, he would hang up, not even allowing her to talk to the kids. If you will, he would filter, seeing to it that she was being civil before she was allowed to talk to her boys. My CO often times listened on an extension. If she got out of line, he'd end the conversation. Eventually she learned that he would not tolerate that behaivor and eventually she became more civil when she called. It didn't happen overnight, there is no quick fix here.
There is nothing in the divorce decree or in the child custody ruling that says your husband or the child must endure that kind of abuse. From what you say, she is only allowed 2 calls a week, eventually she will learn to make the best of it or lose the privelege. And I'm sure there is nothing in the custody decree that says he can't listen in on an extension.

If it gets really bad, you could explore the possibility of doing what my niece did with her ex-husband. She took her kids to a counselor, the counselor interviewed the children, and decided that they needed to be with her as primary care person, and limited the time with the ex-husband. She had a similar situation that you had and this really helped with keeping the ex- husband from "rowling" up as you put it. In this case, he would threaten them with severe beatings.

I see your husband did what my former Commander did, you moved to get away from her. My former CO had his car keyed a few times and she would drive around the house almost in a stalking fashion. He ended up getting a restraining order. Hopefully this hasn't happened nor does it come to this.

I do not know what the conditions of child custody are between your spouse and his ex wife. However, some things you both can do is what my former CO and niece did:
Keep a journal of what happens. Keep receipts, keep records of phone calls. Your spouse is a Navy man, he knows that if it ain't documented, it didn't happen. If it gets really bad, perhaps a trip to the IG, or the JAG will be in order to explore options, especially if she is being mentally abusive to your husband and the boy.
Yes, what she is doing is considered abuse.

Answer 4

We are currently stationed at Bangor. Welcome! May I seriously recommend family counseling. The chaplains on base are great. Also, family resourse can help a lot with this. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You might be surprised at how many of your neighbors are facing the same/similar situations. We all feel like we are going to lose it sometimes, just breathe. Try to remember that your new stepson is going through a lot right now too. In his mind he was just ripped from his Mom. She might have been the worst mom in the world, but she was still his mom. He feels that if he is nice to you then he is being disloyal to her.

I know for a fact that the military provides some excellent juvenile counselors over at the Brem hospital. My son has ADHD and they help him cope with things that he just won't talk with me about.

Best of Luck to you, we are a pretty close nit community around here. Make some friends. Show love in spite of meanness. Oh my one true word of advice... DON'T EVER LET YOUR STEPSON SEE YOU CRY (at least not over something he said or did)! That is really difficult to do, but trust me even biological children will use that knowledge of power against you.

Also, I know (gawd do I know) this one is hard, but try not to allow yourself and your husband to fight/argue with one another where the child can see or hear. Not always easy, but he is very fragile right now. Even if he may seem like satan's spawn.

Answer 5

I'm also a step parent, to an 8 year old boy. I've been in his life since he wabout 4 years old. I don't have any kids of my own. I understand where you are coming from. His mother is a nut too.
First, calm down.
Second, talk to your husband and agree on a plan. You and he need to act as a team and deal with the problem together. You do not, ever, want to present as anything but a unified front - especially in front of your step-son.
Third, deal with the issue with the ex-wife in the most positive pro-active way possible. never speak poorly of her to your step-son. IYour husband shouldn't either but that's his responsibility if he does. Ask your husband to monitor the phone calls and be mature about what happens. The minute that she begins to get inappropriate he can end the phone call. Period. He has to be the adult and not react to the situation; he needs to act instead. Have him place bounderies on the her and your son. Once the bounderies are set you can contribute to their enforcement.
Fourth, get a community going. You can't deal with life alone and you need someone to complain about things to - it cannot be your husband.
Fifth, try to develop a relationship with your step-son outside of the one he has / had with his mother. find out what he likes, learn something about it and share it with him. by taking the high road, NOT attempting to be "super perfect step-mom" and setting stable, appropriate bounderies in a consistent fashion you wil provide him with the loving foundation that little boys need.
Sixth, talk to your husband about maybe doing family therapy and your step-son seeing someone. He just lost him mom. That is tragic and he is hurting. You can't replace her, don't try. You will have a different - maybe even better place soon, but it won't necessarily be hers. He needs help in understanding that a professional could do the job. Suggest it gently without insinuating in any way that something is wrong with your step-son.
I know this sounds like a lot - and it is. but you need to keep your side of the street clean b/c your step son will remember how you handle these moments. Later he will be grateful if you handle them with grace. He will never let you forget it if you don't.
Good luck!

Answer 6

Well, take it from a dad that married a woman who had to take on the responsibility of my son. NEVER, no matter how bad she is, try to turn your husband's son against his mother. AND THAT GOES FOR DAD TOO. I know it is tough and there are times you want to call her every name in the book, but remember, THAT IS HIS MOM. I always kept my ex out of any conversation and expected the same from her when my son was with her. That way, it was two completely separate lives. (by the way, I am from Washington state too) Be there for your stepson, help him when he needs your help, but never tell him you are replacing her, because you can't. You will always be his dad's wife, and as such, he needs to honor you as his dad's wife, but his mom is his mom, no matter how screwed up she is. You should push him towards understanding and compassion, for not only his mixed up feelings but for a wounded mother, because someday, he may help her - understand you!

Answer 7

Oh honey! That is so hard! My husband's ex, while sometimes rotten to him has never been horrible to me. And I have always been able to reason with her.

The boy should be in counseling. And get some family counseling too. It stands to reason that the boy is a mess..and your hubby too..having dealt with a bad, bad woman, they are going to be a little gunshy. I know that my husband stil compares me to her, even after five years.

She's jealous of you and trying to destroy your family. Don't let her. Don't fight with your guy. Find some common ground and don't let the woman into it. Don't ever let her into your bed. Focus on what's good and build from there. Good luck, sweetie. Hang in there.

Answer 8

I would talk to whoever is handling the ex wife and child such as the social worker who is allowing her to speak to the child and tell her what is going on, she may be able to make it so the calls are supervised and if the mom starts anything the call will be ended immediately or she will not be able to contact him for a certain amount of time.

Answer 9

The biggest issue here is the mother and how she is minipulating your step son. Imagine his situation: mother who he loves, but cannot trust's loyalty versus new mom that he doesn't know so well and took his old mom's place. I suggest going to councilling or therapy as a family to come up with strategies to deal with what is going on in all of your lives. My best friend was in the situation of your son and she hates and loves her stepmom because they never dealt with their issues. One minutes she wants to kill her and the other she wants to run into her arms.

Get it fixed while the problem is still new!

Answer 10

Honey, you are just going to have to ride this out. He has lost his mom and had to move away from her, his dad has just got married and his whole life has been turned upside down. Give him time, but don't be afraid to discipline him when he starts getting stroppy and pulling that 'You aren't my mom' rubbish. And make sure your husband backs you up too.

You all need time to adjust to this new situation is all.

Let him see what a fun loving mom you can be, and let him understand that you aren't trying to replace his mom, but you hope that he can find room for you in his heart...

Answer 11

ok I have the same problem my husband has 2 ex's though never married though b4 me anywayz try having to deal with a ghetto black girl (which one of his ex's is) his little girl I have been raising her since she was 5 months old and she hates her mom but her mom still has cusidy of her because she wants my hubbys money never spends a dime on the litte girl anywayz what I have done recently about the attack of the psyco ex's is ignore them!!!!!! Its not our job 2 talk to them think about them blah blah so now if anyone says her name I leave the room even my mother in law goes and hangs out with the ghetto ***** so i dont talk to her either anymore and if your step son is rude to you ground him till he stops I am also 23 and I ve been married one yr so if you ever need some one to talk to about this e mail me at [e-mail]